Hilarious Quotes

suzy1124 · Post by **suzy1124** » 29 Aug 2014, 17:56

A man can sleep around , no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp...

Speedy recovery to you Joan ( Rivers )

dirtsmithy11 · Post by **dirtsmithy11** » 09 Sep 2014, 00:25

Pain was something we were expected to endure. But I doubt very much if you would be entirely happy today if a doctor threw a towel in your face and jumped on you with a knife.

- Roald Dahl

skyfallDancer · Post by **skyfallDancer** » 09 Sep 2014, 10:21

The centaur had also guessed that, because of the universal law of maximum doo-doo displacement—which states that when the aforementioned doo-doo hits the fan, the fan will be in your hand and pointed at someone important who can have you fired—the Sky Window would probably refuse to open at a crucial time.

Eoin Colfer in Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian
(Well, it *is* a children's book, but still!)

suzy1124 · Post by **suzy1124** » 12 Sep 2014, 14:02

R.I. P....Joan Rivers...

Gravy · Post by **Gravy** » 14 Sep 2014, 07:07

Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.
Jim Butcher

suzy1124 · Post by **suzy1124** » 14 Sep 2014, 09:49

" Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. inside a dog it's too hard to read ", Groucho Marx...

Amberbogumil · Post by **Amberbogumil** » 14 Sep 2014, 11:30

You may not get this if you haven't read The Fault In Our Stars but " Shouldn't we do this in the dark?" "It's always dark to Isaac."

It's the fact their committing a crime but their friend Isaac is blind, It's honestly the best.

cyndiha11 · Post by **cyndiha11** » 23 Sep 2014, 16:49

Graverobber wrote:Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.
Jim Butcher

MichaelMcManus · Post by **MichaelMcManus** » 30 Sep 2014, 13:41

Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

suzy1124 · Post by **suzy1124** » 30 Sep 2014, 17:42

" I don't know the question but sex is definitely the answer "............Woody Allen

MichaelMcManus · Post by **MichaelMcManus** » 30 Sep 2014, 18:08

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

lisateb · Post by **lisateb** » 30 Sep 2014, 18:27

“It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

MichaelMcManus · Post by **MichaelMcManus** » 30 Sep 2014, 18:51

"Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip." –Winston Churchill

suzy1124 · Post by **suzy1124** » 07 Oct 2014, 09:48

Definition of an elephant : A mouse built to govt. specifications...

MichaelMcManus · Post by **MichaelMcManus** » 07 Oct 2014, 10:53

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield