POETRY

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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knet32
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POETRY

Post by knet32 » 26 Jul 2018, 20:32

MALEFICENT(for a friend dying of HIV)
'
Vexed, those blood harassing his veins.
Unsexed, those accursed essence of his life.
'
A death sentence with no crime,
A blood-gore with no scarification,
Decadence smeared in freshness.
Pain plagued, retched in harmless flowing poison
Cursed for eternity.
'
For he is a walking corpse
Certified dead on August in the year 2009
But patrolling the earth like a vampire,
Tormenting none but wastes of himself.
The world shared not his grief.
'
Wedged, in wasted womb-ways of woes.
Sledged, in slime slug slewed of sorrows.
'
A skyline of lips smeared in darkness,
A fence of cheek begging to dry.
A frame mocking robustness of a man.
Raised dust from desecrated dust,
Filth air from wilted air.
'
Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes...
On his bier, through life and after life
Press upon slaughtering laughter,
His offence; "he stayed alive".
� K~net�
#ghost_of_reflection

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palilogy
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Post by palilogy » 05 Aug 2018, 10:39

I would consider condensing this poem.
Stay away from cliches.
"Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes..."

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JudasFm
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Post by JudasFm » 07 Aug 2018, 05:14

I think even for a poem, the language is too flowery. If you want the reader to sympathize with a bleak subject, then short, blunt sentences are best.

I also agree with palilogy that you should avoid cliches.

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knet32
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Post by knet32 » 07 Aug 2018, 18:18

Thanks, I will work on the observations.

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Dinah just chillin
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Post by Dinah just chillin » 10 Aug 2018, 21:52

I thought it came from the heart. A deep place no can know till they have experienced it them self's. It had a. Message and it went deep to the heart and soul

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Opemiajao99
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Post by Opemiajao99 » 09 Sep 2018, 15:33

palilogy wrote:
05 Aug 2018, 10:39
I would consider condensing this poem.
Stay away from cliches.
"Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes..."
:techie-reference:

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Floxxy01
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Post by Floxxy01 » 11 Sep 2018, 20:03

I read a message directly from the heart here. But your readers would be from anywhere. Yes you want to pass a message but mind your english please. I will advise you use simpler words for the sake of readers. Well done the Sky is your starting point

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