Momentous

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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Daniel-book
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Momentous

Post by Daniel-book » 10 Jun 2018, 07:10

Grab,
Not by the pussy,
But by the collar
The opportunity,
To become a scholar.

Grab,
Not squatters’ land,
But the chance,
To command,
And be in control of the circumstance.

Grab,
Not the microphone
But their attention,
It might be your last attempt,
To impress the audience.

Grab,
Not everything,
But just enough,
Let others also get their share,
Because it is just fair.

Grab,
Not her ass,
But her hands,
Accompany her in life,
Do not let go.

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palilogy
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Post by palilogy » 10 Jun 2018, 22:29

I love the idea of the poem.
I love the words that arn't cliche that shock me a little while reading "pussy, ass" .
Your strength is in those grab moments.
Consider your strength and maybe condense the lines or alter the ending. In comparison your last two lines are obvious and unoriginal - they are not as strong as you are as a writer!!
Think about it...it could even end with but her hands.

Daniel-book
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Post by Daniel-book » 12 Jun 2018, 04:18

Mmmh, I can see your point. Thank you for the observations. I will definitely do something about it.

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