heritage & mothers

[CherylTegan7]

Being left or abandoned as a child would have a profound effect on anyone. You don't know what it's like to have a mom and be parented, so how can 'you' be a good mom? We all have doubts, no matter our upbringing, but hers is worse. Adds more to her character, makes you feel more, especially since we all know how bad self-doubt can be.

[Laura Lee]

How often do we fight our past experiences trying to be free of repeating same old mistakes?

It's an intriguing question. In my experience, it really depends on the person. I think individuals who are empathic tend to, as you say, fight to be free from old mistakes. However, not everyone does. I still remember overhearing a conversation between my mother and one of her friends. The friend had shared a painful experience from when she was a teen and concluded her story by declaring, "I could hardly wait until I was in a position that I could do that to someone else."

As a 10-year-old, I was shocked! If something hurt you, why would you want to do it to someone else?? It didn't make sense to me at all. Now, though, from my own life experience, I have seen that there are indeed people who relish being able to pass on the hurts they've received.

No one is perfect. Certainly Hillary isn't, and (IMO) she makes some mistakes in her parenting but she tries and for that I respect her. It's easy to pass on the mistreatment we received as children. The challenge is to rise above that and determine to do better. And anytime I see a parent seeking to do that, I have respect for them, perfect or not.

[MirageParul]

I often felt inadequate add a mother and I had a happy childhood for the most part.

Me too! In fact, I sometimes I try so hard to be a good mom that I go the other way, unfortunately. And I feel that's what happened with Hillary as well. Her mother leaving was definitely a major negative milestone in her life, and she too tried very hard to overcome that.

[Barbara6886]

Hillary is a mess of contradictions to me. She is worried about being a good mother to Claire but finds her daughters high energy, out going nature to be tiresome. Worries about abandoning her daughter, but leaves her alone and allows her to be with near strangers after Sarah’s murder. Wants to keep her safe but was going to keep her with her in Ireland when Ed returned home. It just seems to me there are too many incidents of her thoughts/worries and her actions not matching.

[ciecheesemeister]

I do hope the author will write further books in this series. I'm interested to find out what happened to Hillary's mother. I think Hillary has done a good job of not repeating her mother's mistakes.

[KDJ]

I think Hillary was a great mother. Constantly trying to understand the motives of her mothers abandonment made her more motivated to make sure Claire never felt how she feels, and always feel loved by Hillary. I also think that having Sarah around as a surrogate grandmother helped, because Claire was also missing out on the grandmother she never knew. Although Sarah was a motherly figure, it would never stop Hillary from constantly thinking about her own mothers abandonment. In a small way it makes Hillary a great mother.

[Tomah]

I thought it was quite interesting how Dermot had an analogous experience with a missing father. It makes you ponder about how people can experience similar things and go through wildly different paths in their lives. Obviously, we all strive to be more like Hillary.

[AntonelaMaria]

I like your question. It shows a lot of insight into human nature. Some people react to trauma in childhood by passing on the same sort of mistreatment that so damaged them, usually through habit, but I've known two people who did it deliberately. Shocking, I know. I couldn't believe my own ears! Why would you mistreat someone else in the same way that hurt you so much?

Hillary seemed to take the second approach: she wanted to protect her daughter from being hurt in the way she'd been hurt. She certainly wasn't perfect, but at least she'd started the process of being a better mother. I always have tremendous respect for any parent who is able to learn from their own parents' mistakes and not repeat them.

Yes, she tries. And in the end that is the thing I respect the most ... her willingness to try to do better and not being perfect.

[AntonelaMaria]

How often do we fight our past experiences trying to be free of repeating same old mistakes?

It's an intriguing question. In my experience, it really depends on the person. I think individuals who are empathic tend to, as you say, fight to be free from old mistakes. However, not everyone does. I still remember overhearing a conversation between my mother and one of her friends. The friend had shared a painful experience from when she was a teen and concluded her story by declaring, "I could hardly wait until I was in a position that I could do that to someone else."

As a 10-year-old, I was shocked! If something hurt you, why would you want to do it to someone else?? It didn't make sense to me at all. Now, though, from my own life experience, I have seen that there are indeed people who relish being able to pass on the hurts they've received.

No one is perfect. Certainly Hillary isn't, and (IMO) she makes some mistakes in her parenting but she tries and for that I respect her. It's easy to pass on the mistreatment we received as children. The challenge is to rise above that and determine to do better. And anytime I see a parent seeking to do that, I have respect for them, perfect or not.

Maybe that is just show off my narrow mind but I haven't even taken into consideration the fact that someone would be not willing to do better or even like your mom friend "couldn't wait to do it to someone else". I know that is an individual thing but again it didn't even cross my mind.
Wow, I can only imagine your 10 year old self being shocked.

I think the mistakes Hillary made only made her more realistic as a character.

[AntonelaMaria]

Hillary is a mess of contradictions to me. She is worried about being a good mother to Claire but finds her daughters high energy, out going nature to be tiresome. Worries about abandoning her daughter, but leaves her alone and allows her to be with near strangers after Sarah’s murder. Wants to keep her safe but was going to keep her with her in Ireland when Ed returned home. It just seems to me there are too many incidents of her thoughts/worries and her actions not matching.

To me, her imperfection made her more realistic. How many times do we ( it doesn't have to be a mother-daughter relationship) make a mistakes but try to do better? Or if we are a mess but trying to present it differently?

[praise+anyi]

When mistakes happen in any area of our lives, we pick up our lessons and improve on them in order to avoid repeating such mistakes. Hillary was abandoned, and with that consciousness she tried as much as possible to build a better relationship with her daughter.

Yes there were times when it seemed like her actions weren't matching her words, but we should understand that we are humans full of imperfections.

[En+kay]

Hillary may not win best mom award, but she definitely pitches in her best in bringing up precocious claire with little support from Ed

[Cynthia_Oluchi]

Hillary had this 'misconception', doubt and fear about motherhood. She didn't want to be like her mother, and I feel this decision of hers produced a better mother in her.

[Namaste23]

I think real moms deal with the same doubts that hillary has. Our moms are our motherly example and where they are deficient, we expect ourself to be deficient since we weren't given that certain thing as a child. How can we give our child something we never got. I understand her doubts and fears. They are totally relatable.

[spencermack]

How do you think that Hillary’s mother leaving her reflected on her own relationship with her daughter? How often do we fight our past experiences trying to be free of repeating same old mistakes?

This book gained depth trough the theme of heritage and family. It made Hillary more real and relatable character to me. Her struggles are realistic. I could understand her issues with being hesitant about more children and feeling inadequate. Those are such human doubts and especially with mothers.
It made her even better mother in my eyes because she tries so much with everything she knows.

Constantly fight our past to try and create what we want. Many people give up the fight and give into a cycle of family and circumstance.