Flagged as wordy sentence

Some grammar rules (and embarrassing mistakes!) transcend the uniqueness of different regions and style guides. This new International Grammar section by OnlineBookClub.org ultimately identifies those rules thus providing a simple, flexible rule-set, respecting the differences between regions and style guides. You can feel free to ask general questions about spelling and grammar. You can also provide example sentences for other members to proofread and inform you of any grammar mistakes.
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Rain18
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Flagged as wordy sentence

Post by Rain18 » 31 Aug 2018, 09:30

The following sentence was flagged as wordy and pointed were deducted from my review.
The feedback received was that the sentence could be 2 sentences.

The one negative critique I have is, I felt that the delivery of the background information and the pertinent facts regarding how the supercorporations came into existence, should have been written into the storyline.

Please share your opinions or expertise, so that I can understand the suggestion a little better.

Thanks to all in advance.
Rain18
“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.”
– Frank A. Clark

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jgraney8
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Post by jgraney8 » 01 Sep 2018, 23:00

Rain18 wrote:
31 Aug 2018, 09:30
The following sentence was flagged as wordy and pointed were deducted from my review.
The feedback received was that the sentence could be 2 sentences.

The one negative critique I have is, I felt that the delivery of the background information and the pertinent facts regarding how the supercorporations came into existence, should have been written into the storyline.

Please share your opinions or expertise, so that I can understand the suggestion a little better.

Thanks to all in advance.
Here are my two cents.
The one negative critique I have is the background information and how the supercorporations came into existence should have been written into the storyline.
I would remove the I felt because your use of critique already tells the reader it is an opinion. There is no need for the delivery of unless you are going to critique how it was delivered. Also, pertinent facts can be assumed to be part of the information regarding how the supercorporations came into existence unless there are specific pertinent factors you want to discuss.
“On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.”
― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

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Rain18
Posts: 54
Joined: 26 May 2018, 21:09
2018 Reading Goal: 25
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 24
Currently Reading: Concealment
Bookshelf Size: 20
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-rain18.html
Latest Review: The Embalmer by Vincent Zandri

Post by Rain18 » 02 Sep 2018, 08:24

Jgraney,

Your suggestions are good ones. Sometimes it takes that extra set of eyes. Thank you for taking the time to assist and remind me that the "K.I.S.S" principle still applies in some circumstances.
Rain18
“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.”
– Frank A. Clark

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