hunting for gold

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
Post Reply
User avatar
Opemiajao99
Posts: 7
Joined: 09 Sep 2018, 15:10
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 3

hunting for gold

Post by Opemiajao99 »

Sleepless nights
Restless days
Hustling continues
Cancelled are holidays
Struggling all the ways
No time for nap
Feeding on pap
Working non stop
Burden on top
Reaching for top
To feed the kids
Lame they are
Bend back bones
With tattered shelters
Wearing of rags
Feeding on rottens
Drinking stagnants
From hand to mouth
Clearing the path
no time for tush
making way in thick bush
all blockage must be push
mouth left unbrushed
everyone in rush
In hunting for gold
the priceless treasure
_Delly_01
Posts: 276
Joined: 23 Jan 2018, 20:43
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 14
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-delly-01.html
Latest Review: Sigfried’s Smelly Socks! by Len Foley

Post by _Delly_01 »

The topic seems to be about the struggles of parenthood, but there were a couple of times I felt a little lost, and questioned my interpretation of it. This is probably because I'm not a parent myself, but I didn't quite understand what you meant by "drinking stagnants" and "making way in thick bush/all blockage must be push". I get the feeling the second one is about the process of conception to childbirth itself, but it took a bit of time to consider that because I didn't expect a euphemism. If I am wrong about this, I'm sincerely sorry for my crude interpretation.

My favourite part about your poem is the use of alliteration for the letter 'b' in "bend back bones" and sharp 't' in "With tattered shelters", which speeds up the rhythm of the poem when emphasising the difficulty of being a hard-working, low-income parent. It reads powerfully.

"Bend back bones
With tattered shelters
Wearing of rags
Feeding on rottens
Drinking stagnants
From hand to mouth"

I enjoyed reading this portion of the poem, because the final line breaks up the monotony of rhyme throughout the rest of the poem. I think this shows forward-thinking in your writing, and I admire that.

In regards to the poem as a whole, perhaps if you considered elongating some of your sentences or restructuring them, it would strengthen the poem's overall impact.

Thank-you for sharing your poem.
User avatar
Opemiajao99
Posts: 7
Joined: 09 Sep 2018, 15:10
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 3

Post by Opemiajao99 »

Stagnant water; no recycling and either oxidation or reduction may takes place hereby polluting the water and making it undrinkable. But we tend to resort to the left option when we have none that's pretty better.

Making way in thick bush; using a bare hand to push the grasses when there's no footpath to trail.
Post Reply

Return to “Creative Original Works: Poetry”