come to our aid

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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Opemiajao99
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Joined: 09 Sep 2018, 15:10
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come to our aid

Post by Opemiajao99 » 03 Oct 2018, 12:05

Come to our aid!
Children are malnourished
Meal isn't flourished
Body is electrocuted
Lad are shouting
Workers lamenting
Deaf is listening
Dumb replying
Blind inspecting
Come to our aid!
Ribs is showing
Welcoming starvation
Draught battling the nation
Nothing is brought
Nation in draught
Lost is the cater
Femine around corner
Chasing Helter skelter
Shouting in anger
Dying of hunger
Nothing is a banger
Come to our aid
Build our lad
Train our lad
Nourish our lad
Focus they are
Come to our aid.....

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sarahmarlowe
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Post by sarahmarlowe » 17 Nov 2018, 12:16

Hello! Thank you for posting your poem! The more I read it, the more I like it. Of course, a lot of times, poetry has to be read and studied, right?

I like the cadence of the poem. It has a beatnik style to it, but I can also hear it to some drumbeats.

I also like the point of the poem, and that the speaker sees that the "lad" are the answer to repairing the future.

I am curious as to why you use "lad" instead of "lads." And, some of the other vocabulary is odd to me. It may be an international issue? Example: I don't understand "banger" or "Femine." Is "femine" supposed to be "famine?"

Anyway, I like your work. Keep putting those thoughts on paper!
sarahmarlowe
You can spend your time however you want, but you can spend it only once. :eusa-think:

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