193 days

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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Larae_d
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Joined: 21 Aug 2018, 07:00
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193 days

Post by Larae_d » 21 Aug 2018, 15:01

May 31st was the day you left
We looked for you with hope of theft
From God we prayed
You could be saved

Then came June with 30 days
We begged for you in many ways
Your body found the hope was gone
Yet still my heart hoped on

July came by with 31
My heart exploded as if by gun
My mind revolving around my son
I fought to accept you were really gone

Then it was August and 31 more
How could this be, my mind just tore
I want you back and nothing more
The tears I’ve cried into my pride do bore

September came and went 30 days this month has spent
I sought relief but none came, my heart and soul are bent
I beg, I pray, I plead to each gent
But each day reminds me I can not follow where you went

Then October brought 31
I thought it time my healing begun
There are others here who need some fun
But in my heart there is still just one

November came and 30 passed
I try to smile but it doesn’t last
I think myself brave but please look fast
For soon this smile will have passed

Now it’s December the last of the year
How can I leave it without you here
The calendar pages all soaked in tears
2017 will end but not my fears

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palilogy
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Post by palilogy » 23 Aug 2018, 10:26

Hmmm passed and last is a little too obvious of a rhyme.
Not as strong as your other lines.

I'm also unsure about the ending it falls a little flat/cliche.
I think it isn't as strong as your other stanzas.

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