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POETRY

Posted: 26 Jul 2018, 20:32
by knet32
MALEFICENT(for a friend dying of HIV)
'
Vexed, those blood harassing his veins.
Unsexed, those accursed essence of his life.
'
A death sentence with no crime,
A blood-gore with no scarification,
Decadence smeared in freshness.
Pain plagued, retched in harmless flowing poison
Cursed for eternity.
'
For he is a walking corpse
Certified dead on August in the year 2009
But patrolling the earth like a vampire,
Tormenting none but wastes of himself.
The world shared not his grief.
'
Wedged, in wasted womb-ways of woes.
Sledged, in slime slug slewed of sorrows.
'
A skyline of lips smeared in darkness,
A fence of cheek begging to dry.
A frame mocking robustness of a man.
Raised dust from desecrated dust,
Filth air from wilted air.
'
Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes...
On his bier, through life and after life
Press upon slaughtering laughter,
His offence; "he stayed alive".
� K~net�
#ghost_of_reflection

Re: POETRY

Posted: 05 Aug 2018, 10:39
by palilogy
I would consider condensing this poem.
Stay away from cliches.
"Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes..."

Re: POETRY

Posted: 07 Aug 2018, 05:14
by JudasFm
I think even for a poem, the language is too flowery. If you want the reader to sympathize with a bleak subject, then short, blunt sentences are best.

I also agree with palilogy that you should avoid cliches.

Re: POETRY

Posted: 07 Aug 2018, 18:18
by knet32
Thanks, I will work on the observations.

Re: POETRY

Posted: 10 Aug 2018, 21:52
by Dinah just chillin
I thought it came from the heart. A deep place no can know till they have experienced it them self's. It had a. Message and it went deep to the heart and soul

Re: POETRY

Posted: 09 Sep 2018, 15:33
by Opemiajao99
palilogy wrote:
05 Aug 2018, 10:39
I would consider condensing this poem.
Stay away from cliches.
"Dust to dust...
Ashes to ashes..."
:techie-reference:

Re: POETRY

Posted: 11 Sep 2018, 20:03
by Floxxy01
I read a message directly from the heart here. But your readers would be from anywhere. Yes you want to pass a message but mind your english please. I will advise you use simpler words for the sake of readers. Well done the Sky is your starting point