It's Not Working

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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thisgirl818
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It's Not Working

Post by thisgirl818 » 30 Jun 2018, 07:12

You made me feel that I could do
Anything, the impossible.
Like I was meant to be something
Someone.

Yet you just walked away
Afraid to see me.
Shining more than you ever could
It's twisted and sick.

Why did I ever think I could ever
Escape from you?
You are the past that hunts me
You ripped my soul.

And left me eternally bleeding
Did you know this?
That he can't fix me like ever?
I can't believe this

He couldn't look at me
Without a tinge of filth in his eyes
His disgust outshining love
Because you're my filthy past

Love was meant to be beautiful
Why did I even get here?
Desperately in the pretense of falling
When it's not even working.

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palilogy
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Post by palilogy » 30 Jun 2018, 09:58

I can tell there are some strong emotions behind this poem which creates a very solid voice and tone
I'm not sure about the content - you start off really strong - but then you get into too many cliche's and generic lines
I would be more specific - less vague and you could really have something here =)

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KatSims92
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Post by KatSims92 » 01 Jul 2018, 13:00

You really bare your soul through this poem, and I'm sorry for what you've had to go through to get to that raw emotion. This was very well crafted and I could really feel the emotion bubbling underneath.

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