Feast on Famine

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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Carissa Myung
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Feast on Famine

Post by Carissa Myung » 08 Mar 2018, 20:25

Leaves crunching
under my feet.
I hear
the hammering,
the heartbroken habitat.
I see
the bluebirds
pecking at skinned sorrows.
I feel
my roots
anchoring me deep.
My legacy cannot fly—not when it is asleep.
I am testament to my words:
my soil weeded,
my seeds reaped.

A blank slate—
That is the mind upon creation.
What grubby hands slather grime onto your plate?
Who nourishes your nurturement?
Watch your food contaminate.
Dust and ash in our minds, swept away. Dirt and mirth in our blood, sucked off. Darkness and madness, sinned on.
We exist. We live.
Humans, accordingly, act human.
That is a lie. We are not—
Humane.
We eat the flesh of fear. We consume companionship and devour desires. We feast on the folly of the mouth, famished. We swallow and spit sorrows. We rest on rancor. We choke on culled cynicism.
We are cannibals, monsters—
in the flesh,
ripe for harvesting.
Drunk on the taste, lick your lips. Consume human companionship:
leave her alone, swallowing acrid foulness,
leave him alone, sucking on embittered regret.

Both hungry, famished. Both thirsty, insatiable. Do not think: merely drink.
It is acidic.
Eat up.

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DustinPBrown
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Post by DustinPBrown » 09 Mar 2018, 04:58

This was really fun, like to read, not necessarily the theme. You really know how to use language well. I love the way "dirt and mirth" sounds, and "we swallow and spit sorrows". Good ear. I do think it would be stronger if you focused more on images rather than sensations. Like, instead of "we choke on culled cynicism", it would be a stronger moment to use an image that represents that. Maybe we choke on plucked chicks only recently born, or something like that. The ending too is great. Don't get rid of that Eat up, although maybe play with other phrases for it to see how it sounds, just for you. Bon appetit and enjoy your meal and all those. Thanks for sharing!

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