From The Girl That Left

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
Post Reply
User avatar
qsusan
Posts: 182
Joined: 13 Jun 2017, 02:19
2018 Reading Goal: 100
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 63
Favorite Book: Reaper Man
Currently Reading: Gone Girl
Bookshelf Size: 68
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-qsusan.html
Latest Review: The God Debate - Dawkins in Denial by Terry Higham

From The Girl That Left

Post by qsusan » 02 Mar 2018, 06:14

From The Girl That Left
I try to say I am me
But to you it seems I am Barbie
A little less prettier
A little bit shorter
Hair not as blond
Eyelashes not as long
A maiden trapped in a lair

To you I must be Barbie
Mistaken as the betrayer
A beautiful heroine
That leaves to save her lover
Making the altruistic choice
Hurt princess faking her poise
With heavy feet she walks away
Hiding the tears that say nay

To you I must be Barbie
Tho’ I selfishly chose to stab thee
Leaving for my own interests
No matter your protests
But you, still chasing, still believing
These decisions were for thee
Still searching, still waiting
In your eyes I must be Barbie

A little bit smarter
A little less dumber
My blond hair streaked with rose
Skin a touch of bronze
A maiden who dares
But tho’ I scream I am me
To you it seems, I must be Barbie

User avatar
Libs_Books
Posts: 750
Joined: 13 Feb 2018, 12:54
Favorite Book: The year of the flood
Currently Reading: Witness of change
Bookshelf Size: 272
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-libs-books.html
Latest Review: Dont Panic Its Organic by Dr. Andy Lopez
Location: UK

Post by Libs_Books » 20 Mar 2018, 13:49

There are intriguing hints of a story behind the poem, and also hints of timelessness with the use of words such as 'maiden' and 'princess' (though I'm not so sure about the use of 'thee'). I like the use of repetition with some variation: " I am Barbie... I must be Barbie", particularly at the start and the end. Good job.

User avatar
Kvapil
Posts: 2
Joined: 21 Mar 2018, 03:52
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by Kvapil » 21 Mar 2018, 04:12

The use of repetition was good, I just wish you had kept up the metaphor of being Barbie longer. Even in a convoluted way, you could twist around some sentences and give it more of an artisic feel with just some similes about plastic skin or something. Also, the whole thing feels way too polite. And too proper. Are you mad or are you sad or are you content? I can’t tell.

User avatar
qsusan
Posts: 182
Joined: 13 Jun 2017, 02:19
2018 Reading Goal: 100
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 63
Favorite Book: Reaper Man
Currently Reading: Gone Girl
Bookshelf Size: 68
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-qsusan.html
Latest Review: The God Debate - Dawkins in Denial by Terry Higham

Post by qsusan » 01 Apr 2018, 06:36

Kvapil wrote:
21 Mar 2018, 04:12
The use of repetition was good, I just wish you had kept up the metaphor of being Barbie longer. Even in a convoluted way, you could twist around some sentences and give it more of an artisic feel with just some similes about plastic skin or something. Also, the whole thing feels way too polite. And too proper. Are you mad or are you sad or are you content? I can’t tell.
It is polite. She isn't mad just a little sad that despite what she does or says he cant seem to see her for who she is. She's saying, "I'm not as nice or altruistic or angelic as the girl in your imagination, but why can't you see me as me."

User avatar
DATo
Previous Member of the Month
Posts: 3729
Joined: 31 Dec 2011, 07:54
Bookshelf Size: 0
Location: U.S.A.

Post by DATo » 01 Apr 2018, 08:11

I like your poem, especially what it implies. When people fall in love they see the object of their love as an ideal and not the flesh and blood person standing before them. They are often really not in love with the person but rather in love with Love itself. Though many poems are written by confused lovers few are written by the frustrated recipients of that love who only want to be seen as the people they really are. You captured the essence of this idea very well.

The "Barbie" repetition works to a certain point by reinforcing the concept of an object rather than a person, but it teeters on the brink of being overused. Other than that ... very nice poem!
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright

Post Reply

Return to “Creative Original Works: Poetry”