Opinions on my poem

[Layne81]

Please tell me what you think about my poem. Thank you.

The Stranger

She is devilishly staring directly at me.
Frightened, yet confused, I lean closer to
see.
When she notices she has my attention,
her expression seems to change.
The everlasting look she gives me,
seems just a little strange.
I cannot help but notice,
a tear falling from her eye.
Her face is so expressionless,
yet she begins to cry.
She looks as though she needs
the touch of a caring hand.
I want to console her and let her know
that I would understand.
As I start to get up and reach for her
I realize something severe.
This girl that I so long to help,
is just me looking into my mirror.

By: Bonnie Wilson

[OpenBook]

Your poem is so sad. Having to accept and realize your own sadness might open doors for healing.

[Layne81]

Acceptance of oneself, as well as realizing you need tend to your own wounds to begin to love yourself again is definitely behind this. Do not become a stranger to yourself in a way. I wrote it as a young, teenage girl while my mom was in a coma. I was also dealing with an eating disorder, as well as other very overwhelming things thrown at me too early. I venting in my writing.

[Lincolnshirelass]

That is a sad and beautiful little poem. The mirror is a physical reflection of oneself, just as thoughts, wishes, fears, etc, are the emotional image. I wish you well.

[ReyvrexQuestor Reyes]

Reminds me of Snowhite's stepmother saying "Mirror, mirror on the wall. . .. " Kidding aside, you have an interesting poem, and since your style is not along the rhymes of Shakespeare or Poe, then it seems you have Neruda or Bukowski in mind. Keep writing.

[DATo]

It is a nice poem Bonnie. It is a story which completes its thought well. I am particularly fond of twists in stories so I especially enjoyed the "reveal" at the end.

My only criticism would be in regard to the last four lines. I think you were reaching for a word to rhyme with mirror and I can see how that would be difficult to accomplish well, but the word "severe" sort of grates on the ears like an off note in a beautiful musical composition. It doesn't quite work. One must not sacrifice the quality of word choice simply to make a suitable rhyme. Perhaps if you restructured the last four lines in a manner which would not require you to need a rhyming word for mirror it might come off a bit better and easier.

Example:

Original:
As I start to get up and reach for her
I realize something severe.
This girl that I so long to help,
is just me looking into my mirror.

I'm not saying this (below) is good, I offer it only to show you what I mean by approaching the rhyme problem differently.

Retouched:
I reach my hand to touch her face
And then realize with surprise
In the reflecting glass confronting me
I am staring into my own eyes.

See what I'm saying? If "severe" poses a problem to the rhyme scheme reconstruct the stanza and choose another set of words with which to rhyme.

Hope you may find this useful and thank you for sharing your beautiful poem with us.

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