Sheep

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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Tiff08
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Sheep

Post by Tiff08 » 10 Jan 2018, 13:48

My world is happiness,
love, faith and gratitude.
Your world is knives, guns,
blood and attitude.

I roll with scriptures
and messages of old,
people who lived
and the stories they told.

You roll with wild music,
fancy cars and expensive clothes.
You roll with silver, diamonds
and every kind of gold.

You claim you no longer live that life,
you say it's sold.
But I think you're a lost sheep,
and not of this fold.

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SPasciuti
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Post by SPasciuti » 10 Jan 2018, 14:29

I really like the story this tells.

Your poem has a really brilliant start and is almost musical in quality. I think you kind of lose your rhythm a bit in the third and fourth stanza in part due to the fact that your rhyme remains the same (old, told, gold, fold) and also because your line lengths varied in an unmatched way, but it's still really good.

Tiff08
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Location: South Africa

Post by Tiff08 » 10 Jan 2018, 15:10

Thank you for your feedback! You've made some excellent points that I will take into consideration when revisiting this poem.

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ReyvrexQuestor Reyes
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Post by ReyvrexQuestor Reyes » 18 Feb 2018, 20:00

Nice rhymed verses, my kind of poetry. This seems a lament on the ways of a special someone, hmm.
Emotions are what make the poem going, or rather, the poet going. Keep on writing.
"In the beginning was the word.........John 1:1"

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Libs_Books
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Post by Libs_Books » 20 Mar 2018, 13:53

A very clever poem - neat, and with some lovely cadences. I feel there could be more - some insight, perhaps, into who this other person is to you and why you are trying to communicate with them.

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