Invincible

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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ReyvrexQuestor Reyes
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Invincible

Post by ReyvrexQuestor Reyes » 12 Jun 2018, 22:43

My love, wake up, the drums are coming near,
Our army waits, their catapults are drawn,
The gate is sealed, the moat's bridge hoisted clear,
Our seers have warned about this blood-drenched dawn:
Should fate be worst, your asp in basket waits,
My page has sword, unsheathed by his side,
Our noble fathers, gloried in these traits,
Not to surrender, but to die with pride:
Now, bid the shepherd swains to come and dance,
The bards, the jesters, spice the merriment,
We'll win, but then, we all can die, but once,
So while this threat, like none is imminent:
......For we're in fortress, safe from all that harms,
......We are enclosed, we're in each other's arms.
"In the beginning was the word.........John 1:1"

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palilogy
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Post by palilogy » 15 Jun 2018, 16:22

The rhyme at the end was lovely and my favorite part - it's very different even the tone from the rest of the poem.
I feel the poem is really about the narrator and their love - but the power and strength of the poem is getting lost underneath all this unnecessary lingo "drums, army, catapults, gate, moat, bridge, sword, noble fathers, shepherd, bards, jesters - all this is taking away from the strength of the poem.

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ReyvrexQuestor Reyes
Posts: 1184
Joined: 28 Sep 2017, 07:38
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Currently Reading: Fish Wielder
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Post by ReyvrexQuestor Reyes » 16 Jun 2018, 02:18

palilogy wrote:
15 Jun 2018, 16:22
The rhyme at the end was lovely and my favorite part - it's very different even the tone from the rest of the poem.
I feel the poem is really about the narrator and their love - but the power and strength of the poem is getting lost underneath all this unnecessary lingo "drums, army, catapults, gate, moat, bridge, sword, noble fathers, shepherd, bards, jesters - all this is taking away from the strength of the poem.
Thank you for your observation. You must be poetically endowed.

This sonnet is a little about the death of Antony and Cleopatra, then the "shepherd swains" came from Marlowe's poem, the "drum" part is inspired by the US cavalry charging, the "catapults" were taken from the Roman army, the moat and bridge from English castles, but the end part is just my invention.

"We all can die but once" an admonition to be brave because "cowards die many times before their deaths" which I can't remember from which poem, was it Invictus?
"In the beginning was the word.........John 1:1"

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palilogy
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Post by palilogy » 16 Jun 2018, 10:05

Your words are more powerful then pieces of other poems that you borrow from.
There is more score in originality.

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ReyvrexQuestor Reyes
Posts: 1184
Joined: 28 Sep 2017, 07:38
2017 Reading Goal: 100
2017 Reading Goal Completion: 12
Favorite Book: <a href="http://forums.onlinebookclub.org/shelve ... 5">Raven's Peak</a>
Currently Reading: Fish Wielder
Bookshelf Size: 164
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-reyvrexquestor-reyes.html
Latest Review: Uncharted by Lyle Sopel

Post by ReyvrexQuestor Reyes » 16 Jun 2018, 18:18

palilogy wrote:
16 Jun 2018, 10:05
Your words are more powerful then pieces of other poems that you borrow from.
There is more score in originality.
You must be right. When Frankenstein assembled his monster it became more than any of the men from where the parts were taken. But that is not to say my poem is a monster lol.
"In the beginning was the word.........John 1:1"

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