The Truth

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
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srm628
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The Truth

Post by srm628 » 10 Feb 2019, 20:51

You circle around me, acting
as the demon I always knew you were.
Green eyes bore though,
staring into me.
The others think of
you as a saint, as a source of comfort,
but I know the truth. My heart
speeds when you are near me. Discomfort
burns strong. They will never know
what you are capable of, what
you can do.
You seem to know your effects,
evident by the fact, you stop with
a smug smile painted on your perfect skin.
"What's wrong?" You ask with a
sickly sugared voice. I'm left quiet,
unable to speak. Your question will
forever be left unanswered.

_Delly_01
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Post by _Delly_01 » 15 Feb 2019, 17:34

This has an eerie vibe that I love. I like the way you have introduced the person by calling them a 'demon', then focusing on the colour of their eyes, using the strong verb 'bore' to give the sense of feeling vulnerable and menaced by them.

The entire poem reads like a mix between a short story and free verse poetry, which is an interesting choice of style. I'm not all too familiar with poetry, and I haven't seen this before.

I feel the strongest part of this poem is where you have placed a particular line break:

"burns strong. They will never know
what you are capable of, what
you can do."

You have an element of mystery of what this menacing person is capable of by emphasising the word 'what' while staying focused on the person themselves, as indicated by the 'you'. It creates a strong emotional atmosphere of tension that draws in the reader.

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