Silence

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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VandaQ
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Silence

Post by VandaQ »

Hi, everyone! Thanks for passing by and giving this a read. This is a short story (more like flash fiction) that I recently put together. Let me know what you think and let me know if you'd like me to have a read over any of your beautiful creations.

Silence

You’re sitting at the edge of the bed, head in your palms, skin pressed tightly against skin. Although I can’t hear them, I know sobs are crawling along the line of your tightly pressed lips. They move your shoulders softly from time to time.

I am sat immobile, shoulders propped against the headboard, gaze lost along the expanse of your back. I don’t say anything for a long time. I would feel almost as a thief to rob you of the somehow comforting silence of our bedroom.

Then you stand up and I feel the words erupting out of my chest:

“I’m sorry!” You stop. Take in a breath. Exhale slowly. And continue on your way out, getting lost in the darkness of the hallway.

I am left in the crepuscular light of the evening, attempting to follow with my gaze the contour of the objects scattered around the room. The bed is warm - too warm, suffocating. The curtains sway gently under the push of a soft breeze seeping through the partly open window. Street lights flicker and buzz outside, creating fearsome shadows on the light walls. I can hear the rhythm of my own heart and it rings in my ears with an echo. The sound of my own voice saying ‘I’m sorry’ lingers and bounces softly on the sheets, the lamp, the wardrobe, the laminated floor, the white ceiling.

And then I hear your steps - hurried, decided, loud. Your barge in the room, your skin now painted by the dim glow, patterns in the lampshade decorating your chest with soft shadows. Your face is illuminated by the distant street light. You stare right at me, your glacial eyes pinning me down, forcing a breath to get stuck in my throat.

“You can’t f****g get away with a ‘I’m sorry’. No, not this time. I am tired… I am god damn exhausted. You…” There’s a shiver running along my back now, marching up and down my spine, pinching the skin across the nape of my neck. I can see in your expression the defeat, the exasperation. “You make me this person I hate and I just… Can’t do it.” There’s a moment of absolute silence. Then you lift your head, let your gaze find mine. “Do you understand?” Your voice is now a barely audible whisper, suffocated by the tears that threaten to run down your cheeks.

I nod.

That’s all I can do.

I want to scream and run and punch someone or something, I want to get on my knees and beg and cry and plead, I want to hold you close and kiss the words from your lips and dry your tears and I do… Nothing.

“You don’t.” You speak as if you’ve just given me a verdict. A chuckle escapes from your chest and I can see it comes from a place of absolute abandon and vexation.

“You never do, do you? And I always say this… I say I’m done with you and that you should leave me alone and then… Here I am again, in your f****g room. Jesus f****g Christ, I’m so dumb. So f****g dumb, I’m just stupid, right?!” The letters falling off your lips are painted in a louder and louder tone as you speak and as you do, your expression morphs and contorts and changes and now…

You’re all anger.

Vivid, violent, vicious anger.

I open my mouth. It feels dry, my lips stick together. And before I can say anything you put your arms in the air and gesture me back to silence.

“Please stop. Stop lying.” A pause. You let your arms cross above your chest. “For the both of us, alright?”

I nod - again.

You imitate me and move your head - I’m not sure what that means. But as you do, you step closer to the bed.

You’re sitting at the edge of the bed. And you’re no longer crying now. You’re simply… Quiet - letting the soft hum of the street lights permeate the silence of the dark room.
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Erica8600
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Post by Erica8600 »

Hi!
Honestly I think your story is great! I don’t have anything to give tips on, it’s better then what I could ever do. Keep up the good work!
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Serena_Charlotte
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Post by Serena_Charlotte »

This is honestly very impressive. Every single word is emotionally charged and it pulls you in which makes it so much worse when there is a grammatical error because it disrupts the flow. I was getting more and more intrigued with each line and the assumedly intense backstory behind it. Without saying anything personal about the characters, you still manage to paint a bit of a history and characterization with the sparse dialogue of the angry person and the loud silence of the narrator. If I read this as a prologue in some novel or something like that, I would buy the book immediately.
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Artizi
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Post by Artizi »

It's an emotionally charged and intense. I enjoyed it very much! Congrats.
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Ghost11111
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Post by Ghost11111 »

The only thing I would change is f***k to f***king so that it flows with the dialogue a bit better. It was a very good short story. Without any backstory, you were able to convey exactly what was going on and why it was happening. Excellent job!
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Pradeep VCSSV
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Post by Pradeep VCSSV »

Firstly i would like to appreciate the writer for his depth of description it was very well described and i felt it as i was in the story. But i couldn't catch thr writer thought i.e. what he want to express
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