Little vampires

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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Nwa
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Little vampires

Post by Nwa » 04 May 2018, 10:16

Darkness falls, the sun is gone. Our senses sharpen knowing our work has begun. Our homes has been defiled and our friends, gone! But no matter, our eggs live on.
White and tiny they are, stuck to their hatchpoint, waiting... Gradually growing, hiding in plain sight till that moment we live again.
We are young, we are here, we are breathtakingly beautiful. Translucent in the sun and golden in the shade. It is also a sign, we are not full.
Hmmm, what's that smell? My, what's that sound? Is it a river? Is it thunder or is it both? This is not as loud. No! Whatever it is, our mouth salivates. Our senses are succumbing, ever drawing us nearer to that flow.
The journey is long but we are strong. We won't back down till we are done.
Ahhhh, with a sigh. We are gloriously high. It's salty, it's warm and it has a funny taste... iron? But it's just the meal that we want, none other. It's satisfying.
Now we are red, now we are stronger. Smart enough now, we are faster. For just as long as we are fed so beware, we might come back for another.
Oh no! Now you know. We tried to be discreet but still you felt our weight and our sting. Try and catch us, you can't. We are fast and smart to go places where you can't reach. And when you do catch us, we stain you and fill your nostrils with a sour sweet smell. We make you burn your things and yet we remain. It's such a shame.
Your stories are myths. You have fangs, you have extraordinary speed and strength and what was it again...sires? *LOL*
They are supposed to be immortal yet they are not here. You call us bugs yet your sprays don't work. No matter what you do, we live on. We insist... We are the little vampires. :twisted2:

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DATo
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Post by DATo » 05 May 2018, 01:48

A very nicely personified, or perhaps vamparized, description of blood sucking mosquitoes.

An enjoyable read! Thanks for sharing!
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JayJoseph
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Post by JayJoseph » 05 May 2018, 10:06

Loving the story. Although to me it sounds like a poem, it's entertaining and I just had to read up to the last sentence. Great work.

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ccranston
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Post by ccranston » 08 Jul 2018, 22:29

I agree this sounds more like a poem with its rhyming lines. I really enjoyed it though!

This is the only part that confused me a little. The first "you," or "your" rather, refers to humans, but you continue to say "you." Then in the next paragraph, you refer to the mythical vampires as "they."
Nwa wrote:
04 May 2018, 10:16
Your stories are myths. You have fangs, you have extraordinary speed and strength and what was it again...sires? *LOL*
“You know you’ve read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend." –Paul Sweeney

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Nwa
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Post by Nwa » 12 Jul 2018, 17:37

Thank you @ccranston for the review
'You' or 'your' refers to people and 'they' which I later used refers to the mythical vampires in the stories.
That's what I meant at the time anyway.

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