Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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Gifty Gifty
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Post by Gifty Gifty » 17 Apr 2018, 21:45

The cell door bangs so hard in her face, she felt dizzy and went over to sit at the lower part of the bunk bed, since it wasn't occupied and the only person in the tiny cell besides her was fast asleep on the upper part, she reasoned that was her side… she had read old newspapers about prisons.. and was not the least, frightened to be in one… her brother had been her source of information about prisons, she thought about him, and her vision shifted focus to the morning of his death, he had said something about giving her what she deserved. He had explained and she had listened attentively to the details, and had executed it to the perfect end..

After months of haunting by the police, she surrendered to them defending herself without a lawyer, having accomplished all that she set out to do.. her dream will be realised and besides she also got a sentence cut off for surrendering, she will play the good girl and eventually get out.. maybe write a book about her life.

Her life, a very sad one, never an iota of happiness, except now in prison where her mind is at rest
She had been born to wealthy family, a dad who was a lawyer, a mum who was a minister of the state.
She had a biological brother and an adopted brother and a half sister out of her mother's side, a betrayal which caused her father's death after he found out for his heart was broken… her mother had taken ill just as she was going into the senior high school and had died suddenly, Then her adopted brother took to drugs, and begun abusing their half sister, who took matters into her own hands and poisoned him, whom till date she has no idea the whereabouts of her… 
It became a family issue and no one reported the case.. a silent murder… eventually her father's family took everything belonging to her and her biological brother and sent them away to their mother's family

Everyone welcomed her brother and treated her unkindly, she had to find out through a stranger she was not a part of the family, has never been and will never be… she had shed tears of sorrow day and night and whilst her brother was sent to the best university she had to pry the streets for ends meet
She did all the odd jobs… from drugs to prostituting for big men…getting raped sometimes and abused she got a job as an escort… and never passed her school exams..she holds no certificate and has lost memory of what the classroom looks like.

She avoided her brother in order for him not to worry too much about her, but kept an eye out for him, fighting battles he did not know, his kind of unseen angel, she was three years older than him, and in the cause of the months her brother reveals he has cancer and had to go into chemotherapy, she gave all her money to him, and did more odd jobs to see him through, it was on his dead bed, in her arms he had told her of how to get back their parents wealth, , since her brother was the only one who could contest, they voiced their concern to the family lawyer who rewrites the will in her favor… after his brother died, she got her family's wealth back, sells everything and put it in a safe bank…in other to avoid an attempt at her life, she pleads guilty to an offence she never committed…which was the murder of her adopted brother after the head of the family pointed accusing fingers at her.… when they realised she was well off and they had nothing!!

She had to run at first, but she needed to seal the many cracks in her wall!!

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Post by aghedo » 28 May 2018, 23:48

it is an interesting piece great work

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Post by AnnieRoonie1 » 29 May 2018, 07:46

Too many rambling sentences. It could be more interesting if it didn't throw so much at you at one time. You don't have to wonder about anything. There is no surprise. Too much drama to quick. The information is good, but what else could you say now that you've said it all.

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Post by GKerr » 30 May 2018, 09:18

Within this piece there is a lot of repetition both with sentence structure and words such as cell. The punctuation could also be improved as there is an excessive use of ellipses.
However the setting you have built is interesting to read and you have begun to develop a complex character.
Keep going and improving your work !

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Lizzie Robinson
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Post by Lizzie Robinson » 31 May 2018, 20:44

I love all the ideas here. There’s a really interesting scenario and backstory set up, and the beginnings of a fascinating and complex character.

It falls down in the structure, though, with too many run on sentences and too much information being thrown at us all at once. It’s all interesting, but it’s being delivered as an exposition dump rather than a story. It just needs tidying up, with the sentencing varying—and not switching between past and present tense.

This seems like the cool beginning of something. So you better keep writing!

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Post by liftedbooks » 01 Jun 2018, 10:23

This is a very interesting story, but within this piece there are many errors. It needs some editing. If I had to critique the story, I would say it has great potential to turn into something amazing. As someone else mentioned, there's a lot of drama all too quickly. You can make a bit longer by not introducing all the elements at the same time.

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Post by Charmayj » 01 Jun 2018, 10:29

I like where the story is going. It’s just it doesn’t talk about one specific event it jus tells a little bit and keeps going on with the story. So,with that being said it needs a little more detail.

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