Inner Thoughts

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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Serena_Charlotte
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Inner Thoughts

Post by Serena_Charlotte »

The mirror taunts me with my own reflection. The dark circles under my eyes have now become such a permanent part of me that I can’t imagine myself without them. I don’t feel like smiling today. It’s not like I feel like smiling most other days, but I can usually pull it off. I don’t want to be that one downer in the group. Today, though, is different. I just can’t seem to do it. Everyone was looking at me funny at school today, asking me "what's wrong?" or just sneering at me, telling me to get over myself and stop seeking attention. Even if I tell them that wasn’t the case, they wouldn’t believe me.
Don't get me wrong. I’m not a loner. I have tons of friends and my family is pretty much intact. I just can’t seem to get myself to smile these days. My parents have a problem with it too. They reminisce about how I was such a happy child, the kind of child whose smile wakes up before they do. I’m not that person anymore, obviously. They probably wish they had their child back.
I'm not sad. Only okay. I don’t feel like smiling, and have no particular reason for it. It confuses me when people tell me I have to have a specific motivation for my actions. Sometimes, I don’t. I just do things or say things because it happens.
They say it takes 43 muscles to frown, and 17 to smile. They chant it like it’ll make me want to smile, but I can’t. They don’t understand that I’m not using any muscles. Because I’m neutral.
Sometimes, I cry. I have no particular reason to do it, but I cry anyways. I don’t have a particular motive for anything, really.
Well, I'm all dried out. I have nothing else to do, so I guess I'll go to sleep.
Where is the line between insanity and creativity?
Is the reality of the world different from how we perceive and experience it in our minds? Does physical reality exist apart from the human mind?
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DATo
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Post by DATo »

You write very well but I think you missed an opportunity in this story to raise it to a higher level.

It would have put the story on an entirely different plateau if you had hinted in the last sentence what all the sadness was about. Not too much of an elaboration, just a hint, for instance the last sentence --- "Lovely cat she was, and my best friend." Obviously you'd leave out, "I have no particular reason to do it, but I cry anyways." because there would certainly be a reason for crying if you suggested a dead pet at the end.

It's still a very nice piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it and thank you for sharing with us [:- )
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright
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Serena_Charlotte
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Post by Serena_Charlotte »

DATo wrote: 16 Jan 2018, 19:51 You write very well but I think you missed an opportunity in this story to raise it to a higher level.

It would have put the story on an entirely different plateau if you had hinted in the last sentence what all the sadness was about. Not too much of an elaboration, just a hint, for instance the last sentence --- "Lovely cat she was, and my best friend." Obviously you'd leave out, "I have no particular reason to do it, but I cry anyways." because there would certainly be a reason for crying if you suggested a dead pet at the end.

It's still a very nice piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it and thank you for sharing with us [:- )
Thank you so much! I’ll take that into consideration.
Where is the line between insanity and creativity?
Is the reality of the world different from how we perceive and experience it in our minds? Does physical reality exist apart from the human mind?
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Sonam Mahbub
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Post by Sonam Mahbub »

Hmm...liked it.

It's is true, that sometimes we don't even know why we r sad. Or sometimes we can't comprehend exactly why we feel bad. Or we simply don't wanna share our inner desires, dreams, wishes...

Sigh!
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Epuise
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Post by Epuise »

I liked this alot but , toward the end it kind of changed where it was going? It sounded like depression and then you said there was no reason to cry, also said that there was 'nothing else to do'. I think if you would have changed the last few sentences it would have been a higher level story. Her reason to cry would be the pressure for happiness. She's not the same any more she's changed. She's grown, everyone around her hoping for the her who would take everything with a smile. She sleeps because she wants to end the day, the day that keeps repeating its' self.
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