Rob Taylor

[smiley0905]

Rob Taylor
He gazed at me for a long time, holding my hand. I held his gaze and looked deeply in his beautiful green eyes. We were both speechless. Feelings rushed through me as I sat there across the table from him. Above us, the glass teardrops of the chandeliers glistened unaffected by the tension below.
Mariel warned me about this moment. The moment when he would hold my hand and we would stare at each other for what would seem like eternity. The moment when I would feel the urge to give in and be convinced by the magical moment. When I would feel convinced the he was the one for me. But she also told me about the abandoned house. Mariel had been there, and she has eidetic memory. She remembered things accurately in visual details, as if she was watching a movie and she was paying very close attention. She watched him unclasp the hands of his wife from his legs and walked away, leaving his wife screaming his name and begging him not to leave. Mariel said his wife wore a plain yellow dress and an apron printed with little strawberries all over. It was their anniversary. He wore a crisp black Armani suit. Rob walked away and never looked back. He got in his new black Volvo and was never heard of again until years later. That day, his wife just cried and had a nervous breakdown. Two days later, she died.
I remembered my conversation with Mariel.
“I have the power,” I said with conviction.
“Yes, you do. But you can never be too careful. If you can avoid him, you must. Promise me you will.”
I promised her. But somehow, Rob Taylor got a hold of me, and charmed his way into my life.
It all started with that trip to the radio station. He had been calling me for days, having gotten my number from my easily charmed secretary, and I finally agreed to meet him at his choice of location. A radio station was odd, but I just wanted to get rid of him, once and for all. And then I saw him from behind the glass, while I heard his voice on air. He sang “You Are The One” while he looked at me the entire time he was singing it. All the females at the radio station were just convinced that anyone who will let one Rob Taylor go and pass him to someone else is utterly foolish. They were also too eager to be that someone else.
At the least, I was flattered. No one has ever done something like that to me before. Frankly, I was delighted. So when Rob Taylor stepped out, I just threw myself into his arms. I was also convinced he was the one. At that moment, I’ve forgotten all about Mariel’s warnings.
It all came back to me days later when Mariel heard about the radio station event. She dragged me into the neighborhood where she grew up. She pointed at the abandoned house across from her old house. She approached an old lady who was watering the plants. The old lady still remembered.
When we got back in the car, Mariel turned to me and suddenly said, “Can you tell me what will happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“With Rob!”
I looked at her guiltily. Mariel had been a good friend. She had always been open to me and I didn’t want to lose her. But I couldn’t control everything. For one, I couldn’t control my heart.
“I don’t know how to answer that, Mariel. I really don’t.”
She shook her head, not believing what I was telling her. “You can’t. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Then she burst into tears.
I held her in my lap and let her cry. I wasn’t sure what to tell her.
Then I was back at Rob’s dining room with him sitting across from me. I took my hands from his and rummaged through my purse for the dice Mariel gave me.
I told Rob that I would accept his proposal if I got a six. He looked at me, confused. I just tossed the dice and I rolled a one. I could not have gotten a six. The dice is a special gift from Mariel after I told her that I hated the number six.
I stood up, and said my goodbye. I knew I’ll never see him again.

[rachel_bruhn]

It think this is a great concept, but it needs some tweaking. The beginning is a bit hard to follow. It would make more sense with a little more clarifying details. I was very lost on who everyone was and what was significant about the past (I realize that her friend must just be looking out for her because she doesn't want her to get hurt like Rob's previous wife had). Also, at the end she refers to a proposal, however until that moment there is no mention of a proposal. Is she referring to an engagement proposal or a proposed relationship? It is not clear how much time has passed between their reconnection and the present moment.

You really need to pay attention to the tense you are using. You switch between past and present constantly (sometimes even in the same sentence). If it already happened it is past tense, even if she is retelling something that happened in the past. Keep your tenses consistent, especially within the same sentence.

I am sure this all sounds pretty harsh, however I honestly think this is a really great start to a full story. I would love to learn more about the characters, especially Rob. This story has the same feel as 50 Shades of Grey with the rich guy with a troubled past, falling for a woman that knows she shouldn't want to be with him. My curiosity wants to know if his intentions were pure or if he was just going to hurt her like he did his wife before. Please keep writing!