A Nursery Murder

[smiley0905]

A Nursery Murder
“You are very sleepy.”
“I know, I am. It has been a long day. I wish I could just lie down on the floor and fall asleep.”
“You can.”
“Ha ha. Very funny.” We are inside a dark vacant lot. It smelled musty, and I felt my foot step on something soft and dead.
This morning, my friend Sondra, whose dad is an astronaut had it in her head to seek an adventure today. And lucky me, because I had no choice but to come. She practically dragged me from bed and brought me here. She thinks that because her dad has enough adventures of his own, she need to be adventurous too.
We brought nothing but a backpack with two bottles of water, two sandwiches, and an extra pair of clothes for the two of us. Of course, I’m the designated carrier. I can already feel the drops of sweat trickling from my forehead down to my neck, and my shirt is stuck on my back drenched.
In our hands, we shone our flashlights in front of us. We walked to the next room. There was no door. There standing in the room is an old bookshelf. The bookshelf is empty but for a book lying face down. On its spine is written the word “CENSORSHIP.” Well, that explains the empty bookshelf. I opened the book. The first chapter started with a dialogue, “I will never forgive you.” A girl with long, brown waves said that, standing on the ledge of the rooftop. Another character answered, “Please don’t do this.” The girl with the brown hair jumped off the building. I didn’t find out what happened next.
“What’s that noise?” Sondra suddenly said beside me.
I can hear a door creak, and then footsteps, coming towards us.
Then I hear Sondra laughing softly. I asked, “What are you laughing at?”
“Oh, nothing. I’m just happy. It’s so strange. It’s just like the movies.”
“This is not the time to compare real life with movies.” I then grabbed her hand and we both crouched in the corner beside the bookshelf. We held our breaths and waited for the footsteps to stop. We turned our flashlights off.
The footsteps stopped. And then more footsteps. There were two of them.
We heard their voices, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I could only hear my fast heartbeat and Sondra’s soft breathing.
Then we hear a shot, a small gasp, then the sound of a body hitting the floor. Someone killed someone else. I don’t know which of the two people killed the other. I’m not sure I want to know.
Then the footsteps resumed, this time going away. Sondra and I didn’t dare move until it died, and we hear the engine of a motorcycle and the sound of the motorcycle speeding off into the distance.
We were supposed to be scared but we turned on our flashlights and shone it in the face of the dead man. His face was thin and hollow. His hair was long and his beard overgrown. It seemed as if he lives in a cave. Well, he lived in a cave.
I shifted my light from the face of the man into the opposite corner of the room. There, a crib stood, leaning against the wall. We are standing in a nursery.
It is strange that where usually a new life begins, today, someone’s life ended.

[rachel_bruhn]

I want to know more! I am such a sucker for mystery and suspense and this definitely left me wanting to know more about the killer and the dead man. I also want to know what abandoned/vacant place the girls (it's not clear what gender the main character is) are at and what drew them there. At first I was hoping this was going to be about a haunted location or something, but I was not disappointed to be wrong.

I recommend having someone read this story to you or read it out loud. There are points where the sentence structure or paragraph structure just doesn't flow well. There are also a few errors that would be picked up on with a reread. I hope you plan on continuing with this idea and delving more into the plot and the characters. You have a great knack for writing and you could easily turn this into something bigger!

[Vivian Paschal]

Just like rachel_jacks, I want to know more. The title alone captured me. I knew there would be some sort of murder in some sort of nursery, whether literal or figurative, but the idea even made me more interested. I found it very interesting, especially the fact that it sounded like horror at some point (and I almost felt betrayed cause I don't like horrors) but I still don't want to pull away. Of course, proper editing is needed but I see potential in this work. I'd definitely buy it if it was a complete novel.

[vaz222]

I love this! Thank you for sharing!