"The Mine Shaft" by Esther Young
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"The Mine Shaft" by Esther Young
"The Mine Shaft" by Esther Young
Running! I didn't know where I was going. All I could hear was the sound of my feet as I bounded through the woods. Maybe I should rewind a bit. You see it all started the day I first met Sean. He messed up my life and now all I could do was run. Sean was my best friend. We met on our first day of college and were pretty much inseparable after that. The only time we weren't together was when we went to sleep because girls and boys couldn't share the same dormitory. He was the one person who could make me smile when I was sad, distract me when something was on my mind, and keep me sane when all I wanted to do was scream. I was so sure we would be friends for life.
We would often go out together and it had become a routine to go to the same club every Saturday. One particular night out Sean had a bit more than usual and when he fell over in the club I decided enough was enough and got us a taxi home. Walking him to his dorm, he turned round hugging me. As he pulled away he looked me in the eye and said that he loved me. I stood there frozen until I felt his lips pressed against mine. I pushed him back and tried to laugh it off saying he was drunk. He just looked at me smiling softly before he went in. He was my best friend and I loved him... but not in that way.
The next day I met Sean in our usual spot by the college doors and he asked if we could talk. Of course I said yes and we strolled down the pathway sitting down on a nearby bench. I looked around at all the people. It was a warm summers day and everyone seemed to be enjoying the great weather. I smiled to myself thinking things couldn't get any better. Life was perfect. Then someone cleared their throat next to me and I remembered Sean sitting there. I smiled at him asking what was up. He took both of my hands in his and smiled. I looked at him oddly and then he said it. This was the moment that changed my life forever, "Anna, I'm so sorry about last night. I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that. But I meant what I said... I am in love with you Anna, I want to be with you."
I squeezed his hands and smiled sadly at him. He smiled back at me widely and leant in. Before he could kiss me again, I placed my hands on his chest and stopped him. "Sean, I love you, but not in that way. I'm sorry but I can't be more than your friend. I hope you can understand and that you believe me when I say that I wish I didn't have to hurt you like this." It was like I could see his heart break as pain clouded his eyes but it didn't last long as the pain I had seen quickly turned to anger. He snatched his hands away from me as he stood up glaring at me. He stormed off towards the college ignoring my calls. He didn't look back at me once as he disappeared inside.
After that Sean never spoke to me again. I gave up trying after weeks of him not even looking my way when I spoke. As college went on, the only acknowledgement he gave me was when he would glare at me if he made eye contact with me... Which was rare considering he hardly ever looked my way. He would walk past me in the halls without a glance and he moved seats in every class so he was as far away from me as possible. To say it hurt would be an understatement. Every day I wished he hadn't felt that way, wished I had felt like that for him, wished that he would just walk up to me and hug me telling me how stupid he had been. But it never happened.
When I got a boyfriend things just got worse. Sean started spreading rumours around the school, saying I was pregnant and a drug addict. What's worse was people actually believed him. Why was he doing this to me? I cried to myself at night because of what he was doing. He was ruining my life. Was this his way of getting back at me for not loving him? Thankfully I had a great group of friends and a boyfriend who loved me and they all stuck by me. Sean obviously wasn't happy about that because he soon started to physically hurt me.
He would make a point of walking past me and shouldering me hard as he did while staring daggers at me. If I was standing somewhere he would push me and then walk off like nothing had happened. It got so bad that one day, all I did was look at him and he stormed over slamming me hard into the lockers. Thankfully Craig, my boyfriend, was nearby and he hauled Sean off me before belting him in the jaw. Although I had moved on with my life, it seemed Sean just didn't know how to.
About a year after me and Sean had stopped speaking, me and my friends were organising a project we had to do for our history module. It was on the history of our city and so we had decided to do something exciting for it. There was an old mineshaft not far from the city that ran underneath it. We decided we would go down there and take pictures of the conditions people used to work in. It had been sealed off but people would often go down there drinking and so we knew the entrance was open. We knew it would be safe because it had steel reinforcements put in a few years before hand so that it would collapse under the city. In our group going down into the mine there was, me, Craig, my best friends Hayley, Damien, Lucas and Diane, and Craig's friends, Jamie, Ben, Michael and Sonia. We all got along well and we were always together. We decided we would go down for the weekend and on the Friday beforehand everyone was excited and couldn't stop talking about it.
Saturday morning at 6am, we were all outside the entrance to the mine. Excitement buzzed like static around us. Everyone was prepared holding a backpack with food, water and a sleeping bag. We all gathered round as Craig pulled out the map he had gotten from the library. He explained where in the mine we would go and then we all put on our hard hats. Craig went to the door and pulled at the handle. Lucas and Jamie joined in as they struggled with the heavy iron door. Eventually they had it open enough for us to slip inside. Flicking on our head lights Craig and Jamie place metal rods across the opening securing the door in place so it would close. We were on a platform and at the end of it was a gate leading to the ladder that lead down into the mine. Ben went over pulling the lever down on the generator and the place was illuminated. The ladder down seemed endless and I could just about make out the bottom.
After discussing the plan once more we set off down into the depths of our history. Me and Craig lead the way as we took photos of the area around us. The mine was dark and dank and as we ventured further into it, there was no doubt that our excitement was now mixed with fear. This place was creepy and after discussing it we decided rather than set up camp inside, we would go back to the entrance and sleep near the door. As we looked through the pictures we had so far the lights started to flicker. We all looked around us confused and suddenly there was a loud bang! Everyone jumped and most of us screamed, including me. Hayley launched herself at me, landing on top of me shaking with fear. Craig tried to lighten the mood, laughing about the situation saying it was normal for old places to make noises like that and play tricks on your mind. Although we were trying to keep our minds off it, it was clear that everyone was on edge so we decided that we would call it a day and head back early. We checked the map before setting off towards the exit. The next thing we knew we were swallowed into darkness. It was darker than the night sky without a moon. I couldn't even tell if my eyes were open or closed as I started to panic. Someone grabbed my hand and I screamed as Craig switched on his headlamp revealing to me that it was Hayley clinging onto me. I slipped my other hand into his as he squeezed it tight flicking my light on for me. Everyone else followed suit and soon we could all see each other. Fear was evident as we all tried to calm down. Craig did a headcount making sure everyone was there before taking the lead as we headed back to leave. There was no way I was coming back down here tomorrow, and I think everyone else had the same thought as me.
As we turned the final corner, relief flooded through me seeing the ladder that lead to our freedom. Craig began climbing up and as he reached the top he gasped. I followed him quickly and craned my neck to see over his shoulder. "Oh my God!" "What the hell is this?" Everyone else had climbed up and Jamie stepped forward pulling at the heavy chains that crossed over the door we had come through just a few hours before. 3 huge locks sat across them and even with all of us trying, they wouldn't budge. "There's a note guys, look." I picked up the piece of paper.
"One way in, no way out."
Everyone was freaked out and as I looked around I spotted Craig sat on the floor. I bent down close to him and rubbed his shoulders, "it will be ok hun, don't worry." He looked up at me with fear written all over his face. "No Anna it won't be. Don't you see..." He stood up raising his voice so everyone could hear. " whoever or whatever has locked us in here... They locked the door from the inside, meaning they are in here with us."
We all looked at him as the realisation hit us like a truck. It has to be a joke. That's all I could tell myself as I tried to control my breathing. Everyone was terrified as we all contemplated what to do. Nobody knew where we were and so no one would come looking for us until at least Monday. On top of that, the mine would be the last place they would look since we had told noone of our plan to go here. Our phones didn't work in here so we had no hope of calling anyone or receiving any calls. Looking through our bags we had enough water for a day and very little food between us. We were not prepared for this. Everyone was trying to stay calm but looking around me, I could see the panic coursing through my friends. We decided the only thing to do was try and get some sleep. Maybe our heads would be clearer after. We all huddled together and drifted into a dreamless sleep.
I awoke to the sound of Diane shouting Jamie's name. Soon more voices joined in and I prised my eyes open to see what the commotion was. I looked over and Sonia was in hysterics while Damien tried to calm her down. Craig, Diane and Michael were hanging over the ladder looking down and looking around I realised Lucas, Ben and Hayley were gone as well as Jamie. I rushed over to Sonia as tears streamed down her face. "He just disappeared, I could hear him screaming... Something's really wrong Anna." The others must be looking for him. Me, Craig, Michael and Diane climbed down and went to help search for him while the others stayed with Sonia. They were hoping he might come back. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach as I ventured into the mine once again. My head was swirling with thoughts as I got lost in my own world. The sound of Hayley's blood curdling scream brought my out of my thoughts and without a second thought I ran towards the haunting sound. I stopped dead as I stared at the scene in front of me. Tears welled in my eyes and poured out as I dropped to the ground next to Jamie.
Hayley clung to him as she sobbed uncontrollably. Her clothes were stained red from the blood that flowed from the deep gash that crossed over his head. I knew instantly he was dead. There was no life in his wide open eyes. I looked around me as I struggled to get up, trying to figure out what he could have hit his head on. Only then then I notice the glint of the knife that lay next to him. I saw it then, the massive slit across his throat. I cried out as the realisation hit me. My shaking hands picked up the note that lay next to the knife. It was covered in Jamie's blood. I couldn't control the sobs that racked my body as I read what it said,
"This is only the beginning..."
After eventually prising Hayley off Jamie we went back to the others. Craig closed Jamie's eyelids as we walked away from our lifeless friend. Everyone was silent as we walked back. I was in shock and so was everyone else. We solemnly climbed up the ladder.
Sonia was staring at us and the others had their heads down. Hayley sat down rocking back and forth as the tears continued to fall from her eyes. Diane and me wrapped our arms around her trying to comfort her. "What happened?" Sonia whispered. The others sat up realising we were back and waited for a response. When no one answered Damien stood up, "Where's Jamie?" Ben explained what had happened and everyone was in tears again. Suddenly Craig jumped up, "Where's Michael?" We quickly split into groups as we went down once again to search for Michael. The mine seemed endless as we searched in every corner and round every turn. Me, Hayley and Lucas went one way. Diane, Craig and Ben went down another and Damien and Sonia went down the last. Reaching yet another dead end we turned around and me and Lucas realised Hayley was gone! I raced back up the tunnel we had come down screaming for Hayley. Lucas was close behind me as we searched for our two friends. I collided with something and it screamed along with me as we both toppled over.
Looking down Diane lay under me. Her face was stained with tears and I gave her a questioning look. She moved her eyes in the direction of the wall. I followed her gaze and noticed the opening in the wall. I stood up looking in and gasped. Michael hung from a beam holding the mine up. His lifeless body was still as I stared in horror. Craig pulled me into his arms as fresh tears started to fall. Why was this happening? Everyone was there by now and Damien quickly grabbed the note stuck to Michael. He stuttered as he read it,
"Two down, eight to go."
Sticking together in one big group we searched for Hayley. We all held hands in a line determined not to lose anyone else. After hours of searching we came to the conclusion that she would not be coming back. We walked back to the door to sleep and we all huddled close determined that no one else was going to be hurt. Fear and shock coursed through us as we all struggled to sleep. Thoughts flooded my mind. 'Would we find Hayley? Would she be alive? Would we ever get out?' The worst question though, the one that was at the forefront of my mind, I just couldn't get it out of my head... 'Who was next?'
Waking up from a restless sleep, I counted the sleeping bodies around me and breathed a sigh of relief. Six plus me is seven so everyone that was left was still here. Just as I was about to go back to sleep I spotted a note next to Sonia. Walking over to her I picked up the note,
"I see you when you're sleeping..."
Pulling back her sleeping bag all I could hear was a horrible scream. It took me a minute to realise it was me. A plastic bag covered her face as I clawed it it trying to get it off, Craig pulled me back and slowly removed it. I cried into his chest. Her face was lifeless and claw marks surrounded the gash on her neck from when she had tried to pull it off. Everyone had awoke when they had heard me scream and we all just sat there. She had been killed right next to us and no one had even noticed. It could have been anyone of us. I was terrified. We needed to move, and we needed to move now.
We jostled through the mine, not knowing where to go, or how to get there. All we wanted was to get out of this horrible nightmare but with the only exit being blocked off, there was no escape. Lucas and Ben lead the way with the map in hand. We still had no clue where to go but following a map would mean it would be easier to find our way back if we needed to. All I knew was that I did not want to lose anyone else but in my mind I knew that wouldn't be the case. I was lost in thought and I bumped into Ben who had stopped abruptly with Lucas next to him. I looked around them and saw a note hanging from the roof. Ben pulled it to him to read it.
"Splish, splash!"
"What?" Lucas exclaimed yanking the note out of Bens grasp. In turn that pulled the string attached to it off the roof. We all looked at the space it had occupied and then we heard a splash.
The note being pulled had cause the floor underneath Lucas and Ben to collapse. As quickly as Lucas had taken it, the boys had disappeared down. Throwing myself to the edge of the hole, I peered into the darkness. Their gasps were distant but it was the only sound I could hear as my friends struggled for air. We screamed at them trying to figure out what to do but they were so far down, there was no way of getting them out. Time seemed to go slowly as we all stared over the edge. We all sobbed as the gasps and splashes from beneath the ground slowly stopped. We knew they were gone. Damien, Diane, me and Craig all edged around the gaping hole and continued on. After what seemed like an endless journey, Craig suggested we rest. We all nodded solemnly. I was numb with the pain of losing my friends and terrified for those of us who were left. After a brief talk we decided to sleep in shifts. We didn't want what happened to Sonia to repeat itself. Me and Craig took first watch and I looked at my friends as they curled up to sleep. I struggled to stay awake as Craig sat silently beside me.
Eventually, after what felt like years, it was our turn to sleep. As soon as I lay down, I slipped into unconsciousness.I woke with a start as Diane screamed my name while she vigorously shook me to wake me. I looked at her with wide eyes. Her face was destroyed in tears and the pain in her eyes seemed immense. Looking at her closer I saw the spatters of blood that covered her and sat up quickly checking every part of her for the source. I held her close as she let everything out as Craig rubbed her back. "It's my fault.... He jumped in front of me.... I should have done something." I silently cried as I realised Damien was gone. Eventually she calmed down and was able to tell us the full story. She had been leaning on Damien's shoulder when he noticed the red dot that hovered on her. He had known instantly it was a gun and he dove in front of her. She described the slow motion feeling as a bullet hit his chest and he dropped down on her still and lifeless. There was no sound so there must have been a silencer on the gun. I looked at his lifeless body and sat down pulling my knees to me. I rocked back and forth. I give up. There's no way out. No point in fighting anymore. I watched as Diane stroked his cheek, kissing him lightly before sitting next to me."We need to keep moving." Craig broke the deafening silence that had overcome us. I slowly rose pulling Diane with me. Knowing we had to leave another friend behind was just horrible. Knowing there was no way out was excruciating.
Further up the tunnel we found the gun that had taken our friend from us. Another note was on it and although I dreaded the slips of paper, I had to read it,
"Bang, bang....."
Why was this happening to us? Who was doing this to us? Would any of us survive? The questions never left and I had lost all hope. I was losing my mind, going insane. I just wanted to get out. Escape from this hell. A never ending nightmare that I would never wake up from. I was losing everyone I loved!
After walking down tunnel after tunnel we reached another dead end and with a heavy sigh we turn to go back the way we came. As we turned around Diane tripped over a rope that crossed along the ground. As she got up, we heard a weird wooshing noise and the next thing a large blade swept across the tunnel. Grabbing my arm Craig pulled me to the ground and I hit it hard with a massive thud. Diane didn't manage to duck in time and I will never forget then sound of the blade hitting skin and the crunch as it sliced through the bone. I screamed as her severed head rolled towards us. Craig pulled me against him, blocking the sight in front of me. Tears fell silently from him as he tried to be strong for me. Practically lifting me Craig pulled me around the body and under the blade as we ventured back into the centre of the mine. As we passed the blade I saw the note on it.
"Watch your step."
Dropping to the ground I pounded my fists against it as I cried out in frustration, "what kind of sick game is this?" Craig tried to calm me down as he held my arms in place but I screamed and cried harder then I have ever done before. He held me in his arms until I passed out exhausted.
I don't know how long I was asleep but when I woke I was on the ground in a different part of the mine. Craig's jumper was draped over me and as I sat up I noticed he wasn't there. I sobbed uncontrollably as I broke down. I was alone. My best friend and the love of my life had been torn from me. How could I possibly go on? I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped up swinging round to hit whoever it was. I geared up even more as relief flooded through me and I flew into his arms. "I thought... I thought you were...." "Shhhh, it's ok, I'm ok." He rubbed my back soothingly as he rocked me back and forth like a baby. "I found something" he stated when I eventually calmed down. "I was checking round the corner for signs of anyone and there was a room hidden in the wall. I found this map and according to it, there's another exit!" He held it out to me and sure enough another door leading to freedom was shown on it. I stood up. "Let's go!"
After working out where we were, we followed the new map through the hidden room. For the first time since seeing the chains on the door, I felt hopeful. The tunnels narrowed drastically as we delved deeper into the unknown section of the mine. Craig held my hand as he lead me through the dark and dank path. We heard movement behind us but seeing nothing, we continued on as Craig pulled me closer to him afraid of losing me. We quickened our pace as we turned a sharp corner and then I felt someone grab me. I screamed as Craig launched himself on top of them. I heard a squeak and then we heard a familiar voice, "Craig stop, it's me." He stood up as Hayley gasped for breath. Immediately I hauled her up pulling her into a tight hug. Craig joined in as happiness overwhelmed us. I was so relieved. She was dirty, bruised and her clothes were in tatters but she was alive. That was all that mattered.
Hayley explained that she had ran a different direction to us when she had stopped for a minute to see if she could hear anything. She had ran through the mine searching for us and calling out but eventually collapsed from exhaustion. She had given up hope and stayed where she was thinking she would die, until she heard us and had used the energy she had left to run to us. I couldn't believe how brave she had been. I hugged her again, pouring all my love into it and never wanting to let go. Thankfully for her she had survived because her helmet had fallen off meaning she was in complete darkness. Whoever was doing this wouldn't have even known she was there and if they did, probably thought she was dead or close to it. I clung onto her as she relived her nightmare until eventually Craig said we should keep moving. I knew we needed to find the exit. Hayley looked like death personified and we needed to get her out.
As we pushed forward, the tunnels became even smaller, forcing us to walk in single file. We held on to each others arms for dear life. We were slow walking. Everyone was tired, dehydrated and each step felt like climbing a mountain. It felt never ending as we pushed our way into the darkness. Hayley didn't utter a word as we walked and so I squeezed her hand reassuringly every now and then. I was guessing she was just in shock and relieved to have found us. That poor girl had it worse than we did, being all alone, not even able to call out for help. I couldn't even imagine what she must have felt. It seemed as though the tunnel was getting lighter the further we went, but I thought it was just my eyes adjusting to the darkness. That was until Craig shouted that he could see a light. Looking over him, excitement coursed through me as we walked towards it. The door was open. A door! I could have cried, I was so happy. We were going to make it. Finally we were free from this place. When we were just a few feet away, Craig stopped. I could see the trees outside, feel the breeze coming in. Why had he stopped? He pointed to the wall and stuck on it was a note. My stomach dropped as a feeling of dread washed over me. I looked at the one word that was on it,
"BOOM!!!!!!"
My ears felt as though they would burst as a massive bang sounded behind us, followed by a loud rumbling noise. Turning around I could see the mine caving in. We lurched forward but I could feel it getting closer. Stones dropped around us as we ran for our lives. As we reached the door, Craig swung round, grabbing me and practically throwing me out. I hit the ground and turned around to see Craig doing the same thing to Hayley. She landed next to me as the entrance began to collapse. Craig looked at me and mouthed 'I love you' before disappearing into the rubble. I screamed as I rushed towards the remains of the mine, clawing at the dirt and rocks. I repeated Craig's name over and over until Hayley pulled me back saying it was too late. "No, no, no, no.... It can't be" I just kept repeating it to her as she attempted to console me. I felt broken. The biggest part of my life was gone. My heart, my soul, my life, it all belonged to him. Why couldn't it have been me? Why Craig? I didn't want to move. There was no point in living anymore. I refused to keep moving. I looked up at Hayley and noticed the note on a tree behind her,
"It's all your fault Anna."
I shot up, rushing over to it. I yanked the note off the tree and ripped it into pieces as I yelled in frustration. Hayley just sat there looking at me. She didn't know what to do. Suddenly I felt bad. This wasn't fair on her. I needed to get her to safety. Craig wouldn't have wanted me to give up. Pulling her up, she looked at me before her gaze fell behind me and she looked petrified. "We need to run Anna!"
Glancing behind me, I saw a hooded figure standing in the distance. A sledgehammer was clutched to their chest and as I stared at them, fear and shock rooting me to the spot, they began to walk towards us. Hayley hauled me in the opposite direction, bringing me out of my trance as I matched pace with her. Running! I didn't know where I was going. All I could hear was the sound of my feet as I bounded through the woods. Hayley had my hand in hers as we ran as fast as we could. The trees flew by endlessly as branches scratched my face and roots threatened to make me fall. I pushed on desperate to escape out of this hell. I could here the footsteps behind me now. They were getting closer and closer until suddenly Hayley changed course and veered to the left. I followed her lead as I looked ahead. She was running to a cabin. It looked run down and old but the door was still intact. Having no other options we rushed inside, slamming the door shut and sliding down the inside of it. We breathed heavily as we dared to glance outside. There was no sign of the person. Hayley stood up and looked at me seriously. I had never seen her look like that so I gave her questioning look. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. I took it from her and opened it. It was another note,
"Surprise!"
I looked at her and then the back door of the cabin burst open. The person who had chased us was standing there. I screamed and Hayley looked at them. She then started walking towards them as I clawed at her arm trying to stop her. She walked right up next to them and pulled down their hood before giving him a long, lingering kiss. I stared at them both in shock. "Sean?!?!?" I choked out. He sneered at me and wrapped his arm around Hayley while she smirked towards me. What the hell was going on here? "Long time no speak Anna." His voice sent shivers through me as Hayley laughed at my reaction. She came over and crouched down next to me as she smiled evilly. She stared at me as I dared to break eye contact with Sean and look at her. "Why?" That's all I could stay as fresh tears formed in my eyes. She laughed before calling me pathetic.
Sean laughed too and when he had calmed down, he began to explain."Anna, when you rejected me, you broke my heart. I had never been in love before and you took my heart and crushed it. When you started going out with Craig, it was like you were rubbing it in my face. I swore to myself that I would get revenge. Pushing you around didn't seem big enough so I started thinking about other things, bigger things. I met Hayley and we started going out and when she told me of your project, she agreed to help me get even. I mean when she heard what you had done to the love of her life, she thought it was a great plan." I just looked at her in shock. "Yeah Anna, I know everything so don't even try and deny it. How could you be so heartless?" Sean walked towards us. I shared in fear. "But now, my dear Hayley, I no longer need you." With that he swung the hammer and it crashed onto Hayley's skull.
I was horrified as her body collapsed onto me. Sean laughed as he pushed her off me. He pulled the hammer up again but the adrenaline kicked in and with all the power I had I tackled him to the ground. He groaned and shouted as I rose to my feet and rushed out the door. I ran as fast as I could. I looked back and he was behind me. He didn't have the hammer with him anymore and so I quickened my pace running as fast as possible. He was gaining on me. I thought my nightmare was over but obviously the end wasn't even close. He wasn't going to stop until I was dead like the rest of them. I racked my brain, trying to figure out some way out of this. As I looked around me, I had no idea what to do. All my thoughts had distracted me and I felt a body fly into me as I dropped to the ground. Sean rolled me around as I quaked in fear under him. He put his hands on my neck as he slowly began to tighten his grip.
Air struggled to fill my lungs. He smiled at me as he blocked my airways. I clawed at his hands but it was no use. He leant down and kissed me. "Your last kiss will be mine." I turned my head to the side trying to get away. That's when I noticed a rock lying nearby. I stretched my arm towards it. I was so close. I could feel myself slipping into darkness as my hand reached closer and closer to the rock. Just as I was about to lose consciousness, I felt the smooth surface of the rock. I clutched it in my hand and swiftly brought my arm up to Sean's head. I hit him with all my might and he landed in a heap on me. I pushed him off as I gasped. Air filled my lungs and I panted trying to regain control of my breathing. I looked at Sean as he lay still beside me. His hair was matted with blood and his eyes bore into me, still and lifeless. I cried in a mixture of relief and sorrow. He was gone. It was over. I looked at him again. He would still be alive if he had just left things as they were. They all would be. He was a smart boy and was destined for great things but his life was wasted now, all because he wanted revenge for a broken heart. I sobbed quietly as night fell. Leaning against a tree, I wrapped my arms tightly around me. I heard them then.
Voices in the distance, calling out our names. The names of everyone I had lost. I started screaming and shouting making as much noise as possible as I saw the lights come my way. Someone crouched down telling me it would all be ok now. My ordeal was over but it was not ok, I had lost everything. The guy picked me up and I realised he was a policeman. I couldnt deal with it, I had killed someone, my friends were dead. Pulling his gun from his holster I put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
- DATo
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This is quite a thriller! I enjoyed reading it and I think you constructed it very well. It is obvious that you put a lot of work into this and overall I think you did a very good job. I have only one point to criticize and that is that a dead girl is talking to us. Do you see what I mean? The logic does not work. How can she be telling us this story if she is dead? Don't feel bad because I have seen this done many times before with other stories and have read other critiques of these stories which echo my point.
I think you can save this by having the story end with a declaration that what the reader has read is from a notebook which was found in the cabin which appears at the end of the story. This would produce the same effect as the amateur movie found in The Blair Witch Project. This ending could be a postscript told by the policeman/detective who found the notebook during his investigation of the crimes. The notebook would contain this story as written by Anna who had killed herself (AFTER she wrote the story) with a gun she found in the cabin along with the writing materials - the same gun used earlier in the story. So it would be told as a story within a story which, as a literary device, is called a Mise en abyme.
Good job though Esther!!! I liked it a lot.
― Steven Wright