She’s Dead

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London734
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She’s Dead

Post by London734 »

People say you will start to forget an event after an extended period of time. I could never forget that night though. Every detail was burned into my brain, haunting me every second of every day. I didn’t mean to kill her. I swear. It all started when my “friends” and I wanted to prank this girl. The plan was to tie up and kidnap her to give her a scare. We’re teenage boys. We do stupid things. We weren’t planning on hurting her. But, some plans don’t work out. This plan, in particular, ended badly. I just couldn’t control myself. I felt as though I was on autopilot. We were in the secluded part of the woods by the creek. We had taken her out there so no one could hear her screaming. Her screaming was so loud though. I couldn’t take it. I grabbed the biggest rock I could find and kept hitting her and hitting her. I didn’t stop until she was too unconscious to fight back. Unfortunately, that point was her death. The rock suddenly felt heavy in my hand. All I heard was it drop from my hand with a thud, but her blood felt warm on my guilty hand. She didn’t deserve this. It was supposed to be a joke. Only a joke. I took it too far though. It’s all my fault. The boys just looked in horror as her bloody face was etched into our brains. I still see that face every night in my nightmares. It felt like an eternity before someone said something. “She’s dead. Jace, you killed her,” said one of the boys. I just stood there, not saying a word. I had to get rid of the body. I started pulling her towards the creek. Staring up at the rest of the group, I silently begged them to help me. One by one, the three boys helped me carry her dead, limping body to the creek. After pushing her out as far as we could, we washed off in the water. No one spoke. I finally said, “I’m sorry. I hope you guys know that is not how I really am. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I really didn’t.” All of them nodded as though they weren’t terrified of me. I knew the truth though. They thought of me as a monster. Was I? We walked back to the car and drove home quietly discussing our alibi, hopeful no one would suspect us. I went to bed that night with the worst nightmare I have had, waking up in tears and covered in sweat. Two days later, the search party for her started. Police declared her a runaway. No one knew where she was. Expect the four of us. The four friends who could never look at each other again. We all did something horrible that night. It wasn’t my plan. I just went along with it. But, I’m the one who killed her. I’m the one who ended her life. Three weeks later, they found her body, but police couldn’t figure out who her killer was. Every night, I went to bed thinking the next day they would come for me. I thought they had somehow found out, or worse, someone would snitch. Six days later, the first day of junior year started. All I could hear was students talking about her, talking about her horrible death. Little did they know, the killer was among them. The monster went to their school, lived amongst them. My head was pounding as I walked into first period. Something caught my eye as I sat down. It couldn’t be. How? How was this possible? I remember the blood. The warm blood was on my hands. She was there. She was sitting right in front of me. Was I dreaming? I pinched myself, and realized I was awake. Was I going crazy? No. Other people greeted her, not even acknowledging that her body was just found. She turned around, leaned over her desk with an evil smile to tell me: “Remember me, Jace?”

ThomasTheAttorney
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Post by ThomasTheAttorney »

Good story. Now the positive criticism. Rarely, if ever, repeat anything in a short story. When you repeat it is because you distain your reader as an idiot who has to be lead to the idea. Redundancies do not advance the story and must be removed from short stories
Therefore, trim these parts as redundant:

'We weren’t planning on hurting her. But, some plans don’t work out. This plan, in particular, ended badly. I just couldn’t control myself. I felt as though I was on autopilot."
" We all did something horrible that night. It wasn’t my plan. I just went along with it. But, I’m the one who killed her. I’m the one who ended her life."
Unless you are going to add an ending of his dumping her body was a dream, remove " I remember the blood. The warm blood was on my hands."

This is looking for an actual ending. Hi Jace is not enough. Do like Ray Bradbury lectured. The ending is the most important. I think you should try at least 3 different endings.

CYSON DOROPH
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Post by CYSON DOROPH »

Its sounds sad and touching, but a very good idea. Proofread so as to make corrections where need be according to you.

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mary-annef
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Post by mary-annef »

Excellent! I really love the ending. At first, I was put off by the lack of paragraphs but I think it added to the tension to have his thoughts just run on. Two small errors I picked up,

1) "too unconscious to fight" Being unconscious is like being pregnant, you either are or you aren't, there are no degrees.
2) "No one knew where she was. Expect the four of us" should read "except the four of us" I think?

Look forward to reading more from you.
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