Sweet ‘n Precious

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Kris5911
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Sweet ‘n Precious

Post by Kris5911 »

Sweet ‘n Precious


Once upon a young morning, a strawberry sat in the middle of a cool, asphalt road. Golden sunlight broke open a casting cloud and sprinkled through a light mist, causing the small fruit to gleam with a look of red, juicy inimitability. A truck rumbled over it. The quick passing shadow and turbulence tumbled the yet fresh strawberry a few feet along the highway. A turtle happening along that way was entranced by the strawberry’s luminous shine as it rolled to a stop.

The turtle put a foot on the road to approach, but quickly jerked back as two other vehicles sped by. This time the strawberry was only slightly shaken. The turtle felt for it. The poor, sweet thing! Sitting helplessly in the middle of a busy highway, expecting to be squished flat and probably stuck in the treads of a tire, rolling round and round for miles on end, never getting to know what it was like to be appreciated and eaten.

Another car roared by, spinning the strawberry like a top. The turtle had cringed, fearing the worst, but when he opened his eyes, the strawberry was still its beautiful self in all its alluring radiance. Looking both ways, and seeing the road was clear for the time being, the turtle made up its mind to rescue the strawberry from a prolonging death by vehicles, and honor it by consuming its deliciousness.

One inch, three inches, five inches, seven. In seconds he was in the middle of the road and reaching out to grasp the strawberry by its stem and tote it to safety, when a semi-truck blasted by; the turbulence bounced the strawberry into the further lane and some feet down the highway from the turtle.

Relief came with a large sigh when the turtle saw he and the strawberry were unharmed.
‘Don’t worry my sweet, precious strawberry, I’ll eat you soon enough.’ Thought he, and advanced to the fruit of his heart. Oh, no! Another truck was coming! Hurry! Hurry! The turtle raced his stumpy legs across the asphalt, but didn’t reach the strawberry before the truck passed over them, causing the red, perfectly ripe fruit to roll to the crest of a hill.

‘No!’ The turtle froze in horror as he watched the strawberry tip over the edge.
Roll, tumble, bump, bump, bump, rock. The strawberry stared, looking up at the top of the hill. Its rescuer, its one hope, so far away now.

The turtle had run to see what had become of his precious. There it was! Safe still! He looked for the traffic of anymore vehicles and there were none. But he wasn’t confident just yet. Those monstrosities of squishing horror could appear any moment. He was anxious now to reach his precious and get off the road as soon as possible. He struttled and slid some all the way down the hill. Almost there!

Two feet, nine inches, five inches. Aaah. He nuzzled his strawberry. Together at last. But still they were in peril as long as they stayed on the highway. A van was coming up the road, but it wasn’t too close to worry about yet. He began to tug and pull. The other lane was closer than the road’s shoulder just now. If he could make it…

And he did. The van zoomed by and the turtle had to collapse from excitement and exhaustion to catch a breath for a moment. Still aware of the danger he and his strawberry were in, the turtle - after a few well needed gasps of air - reached to grab the fruit’s stem again when, from over the hill, rocketed a sports car. And in a streak of blue it disappeared into the highway’s shimmering horizon.

The sun was rising steadily in the sky and looked down on the tragic sight of broken shell and splattered strawberry on the road. The turtle was sadly a failed hero and the strawberry a shamed, uneaten fruit.

End of story.
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Wanja Hannah
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Post by Wanja Hannah »

What a sad ending. I expected the title to consume the strawberry.
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Erin Painter Baker
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Post by Erin Painter Baker »

Constructive (hopefully) criticism:
Nice way to twist the ending to be not what the reader expects.
I really like your visualization of the strawberry and the sunlight coming down. I would have liked to see that same sense of color and visualization extended to the road, and the side of the road. (Not necessarily to the turtle, because it seems like he's the POV, and he wouldn't see the way the sun hit him.)
I was bumped by the strawberry rolling to the top of a hill. I know that's possible with the force from the air trucks passing by, but it bumped me out of the story to have to think about that. Simply changing top to "crest, or hill to "slope", might work better, giving the idea that perhaps the strawberry had been on a flat section of road, but there is a slope.
There is the one moment when you do switch into the strawberry's POV. I might skip that. It brings up all sorts of questions for me - like does the strawberry want to be eaten? Is that really different than being run over? And then, what does the turtle look like?
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Kris5911
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Post by Kris5911 »

esp1975 wrote: 21 Aug 2019, 14:14 Constructive (hopefully) criticism:
Nice way to twist the ending to be not what the reader expects.
I really like your visualization of the strawberry and the sunlight coming down. I would have liked to see that same sense of color and visualization extended to the road, and the side of the road. (Not necessarily to the turtle, because it seems like he's the POV, and he wouldn't see the way the sun hit him.)
I was bumped by the strawberry rolling to the top of a hill. I know that's possible with the force from the air trucks passing by, but it bumped me out of the story to have to think about that. Simply changing top to "crest, or hill to "slope", might work better, giving the idea that perhaps the strawberry had been on a flat section of road, but there is a slope.
There is the one moment when you do switch into the strawberry's POV. I might skip that. It brings up all sorts of questions for me - like does the strawberry want to be eaten? Is that really different than being run over? And then, what does the turtle look like?

Hi, thanks for reading! Very good points you make. A fresh pair of eyes always help, I appreciate it. :)
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Kris5911
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Post by Kris5911 »

Wanja Hannah wrote: 21 Aug 2019, 06:20 What a sad ending. I expected the title to consume the strawberry.

Rather sad. I was sorry when I saw how it would end, myself. Thank you for reading!
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