Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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Well,that was charming. Re your tone, I think if you extended the story a little more and talked about how the characters felt with some detail it might work, but personally I liked it a lot.
"...while a book has got to be worthwhile from the point of view of the reader it's got to be worthwhile from the point of view of the writer as well." - Terry Pratchett on The Last Continent and his writing.