First Short Story - Thoughts/Critiques?
If you have spelling or grammar questions, please post them in the International Grammar section.
If you want feedback for poetry or short stories you have written, please post the poem or short story in either the Creative Original Works: Short Stories section or the Creative Original Works: Poetry section.
If you have a book that you want reviewed, click here to submit your book for review.
-
- Posts: 6
- Joined: 25 Apr 2009, 13:06
- Bookshelf Size: 0
First Short Story - Thoughts/Critiques?
The only form of life that showed any promise, was a hamster spinning his days away on a hamster wheel. The man sighed, and placed his briefcase on the barely sturdy table. In his coat pocket was a bottle of scotch, which he had stolen just to feel alive even momentarily. He poured himself some and was lost in the work for the evening.
He looked up from the paperwork many hours later. How many? Well that he didn't know. If his bloodshot eyes and empty scotch bottle were any indication; chances are, it had been another all-nighter.
He yawned, and fondly looked over at the hamster. Wondering what it would be like to be free. Not having to answer to anyone, having someone to feed you, and get to lie around all day. Instead, he had to wake up from his stupor and go to work.
As he got home that night from a double shift. He couldn't help but wonder if humans had it all wrong. Wondering, what purpose is it just to work in hopes of getting by. Pets never having to work much beyond pleasing their master.
Walking inside, he repeated the same pattern he had so many times before. This time however, something was different. As he looked over to the hamster cage, the only thing he could see was a corpse laying eerily still.
If what had happened registered, it wasn't showing on his face. Instead, he just simply sighed. Throwing the glass overhead, opting instead to drink straight from the bottle. He gulped away, and sat there hoping this bottle would be the end of his pain.
-
- Posts: 14
- Joined: 26 Apr 2009, 17:22
- Bookshelf Size: 0
Please feel free to toss out anything that sounds ridiculous to you, but I would like to see a bit more motivation coming from our character; not necessarily in his life but - why is his life so empty. I want to relate to the character. Why is he so consumed with is work? Why does he live his life this way? Perhaps you can allude to it with some ordinary household item or scar he carries emotionally or physically.
Again, I think it's great! I'd love to see more.
Have you thought about posting on fictionpress.com?
-
- Posts: 6
- Joined: 25 Apr 2009, 13:06
- Bookshelf Size: 0
He was so consumed with work, that he didn't have the time to take care of things at home.Such as feeding the hamster, his drab and dull living arrangement.Almost as if all this work has made him forget there is another way in life.
-
- Posts: 44
- Joined: 25 Feb 2009, 21:18
- Bookshelf Size: 0
Good Work!
-
- Posts: 6
- Joined: 25 Apr 2009, 13:06
- Bookshelf Size: 0
-
- Posts: 5
- Joined: 09 May 2009, 08:55
- Bookshelf Size: 0
You're very visual in your writing. I can see the character's face and the room and its atmosphere.
All in all, it's great so far! Keep going.
-
- Posts: 29
- Joined: 03 May 2009, 16:44
- Bookshelf Size: 0