First Short Story - Thoughts/Critiques?

[MaestroJay]

It had been another grueling day in the office. As he walked into his small one bedroom apartment, he wondered how he ended up like this. Looking around his surroundings, he saw a flickering light bulb up above and a small table which would be covered with his evenings work in any moment. Barely able to survive financially, he used a worn out cot as a bed.

The only form of life that showed any promise, was a hamster spinning his days away on a hamster wheel. The man sighed, and placed his briefcase on the barely sturdy table. In his coat pocket was a bottle of scotch, which he had stolen just to feel alive even momentarily. He poured himself some and was lost in the work for the evening.

He looked up from the paperwork many hours later. How many? Well that he didn't know. If his bloodshot eyes and empty scotch bottle were any indication; chances are, it had been another all-nighter.

He yawned, and fondly looked over at the hamster. Wondering what it would be like to be free. Not having to answer to anyone, having someone to feed you, and get to lie around all day. Instead, he had to wake up from his stupor and go to work.

As he got home that night from a double shift. He couldn't help but wonder if humans had it all wrong. Wondering, what purpose is it just to work in hopes of getting by. Pets never having to work much beyond pleasing their master.

Walking inside, he repeated the same pattern he had so many times before. This time however, something was different. As he looked over to the hamster cage, the only thing he could see was a corpse laying eerily still.

If what had happened registered, it wasn't showing on his face. Instead, he just simply sighed. Throwing the glass overhead, opting instead to drink straight from the bottle. He gulped away, and sat there hoping this bottle would be the end of his pain.

[Faythe]

I think it shows great promise. I like the hamster. I think having the hamster there reflects how our character feels in that he is spinning his wheels - day in and day out. It seems to me that even in the "freedom" the character finds in the hamster, still it dies, caged and not attaining more in his life than spinning in his wheel. There's some great symbolism there. It's great!

Please feel free to toss out anything that sounds ridiculous to you, but I would like to see a bit more motivation coming from our character; not necessarily in his life but - why is his life so empty. I want to relate to the character. Why is he so consumed with is work? Why does he live his life this way? Perhaps you can allude to it with some ordinary household item or scar he carries emotionally or physically.

Again, I think it's great! I'd love to see more.


Have you thought about posting on fictionpress.com?

[MaestroJay]

I tried to use the fact that the character had to work double shift, after double shift and even then have to work from home as the actuality of what the hamster symbolizes.

He was so consumed with work, that he didn't have the time to take care of things at home.Such as feeding the hamster, his drab and dull living arrangement.Almost as if all this work has made him forget there is another way in life.

[ceve4life]

It's not bad! Everyone has there own style though. I would like to see a little more connected-ness. For example"He looked up from the paperwork many hours later." How did he feel during those many hours of paperwork? I would probably write from more his view than from a 3rd person view. But thats my opinion and a different style.

Good Work!

[MaestroJay]

The character in the story really is no longer connected with himself, or with the life around him.I wanted to try and write in a way that conveyed that.Doesn't really make much sense for the story to be connected if the character himself isn't.

[BowlOfCherries]

Hi, MaestroJay! From the beginning, the story and your way of telling it drew me in. I like the way you set the mood. I read replies about what you intended the hamster to represent. When I was reading it, what came across to me was that the character didn't have anything he felt was positive in his life except for his hamster companion, then even he died. I thought he felt isolated and did not have any hope that tomorrow would be any better for him than today was. He was surviving and that took all his energy.

You're very visual in your writing. I can see the character's face and the room and its atmosphere.

All in all, it's great so far! Keep going.

[speechless]

It's a bit cliche. It's well written, but it's been written before. I think the hamster is a nice unique touch. Try adding a few more things like that to make your story stand out from others.