Once upon a time, author Caul Grimes Goodall took the short story The Three Little Pigs and contorted it into an extraordinarily verbose and convoluted chronicle that he christened Severely Embellished Tales: Volume I, A Critical Essay on the Inherent Risks of Using Substandard Construction Materials, a title that leaves one almost as winded as the big bad wolf.
As a fiend for re-creations - especially twisted ones - of classic fairy tales and nursery rhymes, I was immediately drawn to this retelling. This "Untold Version of the Story Originally Entitled The Three Little Pigs" did not disappoint. Using the original as his jumping-off point, Goodall cannonballs into the deep end, embarking on a literary triathlon like none I've ever read before. Starting the narrative with human editors and assistants, who’ve been enlisted to help the author character wrangle the fiction into a more concise narration, the yarn expands into a nearly unrecognizable foray through an ocean of anthropomorphism, anachronism, politics, extensive wordplay, satire, parody, relevant secular and biblical quotes, and many interruptions of the action.
Setting the garrulous tone with the title, the rest of the novel follows suit. In this version, the three swine are named Moses, Lawrence, and Jerome, all with the surname Littlepig, and the wolf goes by Wolfgang Von Huff. As in the fairy tale, the brothers leave home, saying goodbye to Grandporker April and setting off to live their lives. Jerome makes his home of straw, Lawrence uses sticks to build his abode, and Moses creates a house of stone. Soon enough, Wolfgang arrives for his meal of pork roast. Then the story continues playing out, using the circuitous and serpentine route denoted in the title. Other citizens of Ewing Forest are also involved in the tale, including a Saint Bernard priest, a soothsaying goose, and a witch's feline familiar. Goodall even manages to throw in a minor love story. Due to the lengthy narration, most characters receive a decent backstory and unique personality. The Littlepig brothers, in particular, each have their own idiosyncrasies; my favorite characteristic was Lawrence's tendency to speak with alliteration. Meanwhile, the wolf is a fun villain, trying hard to come off as cultured while also suffering from gout, asthma, bunions, halitosis, and more physical ailments as well as a horrific case of body odor.
As much as I enjoyed the elaborations and secondary storylines in this epic, I also found myself growing slightly weary at times. The massive amount of asides for further explanations via the editor characters, while fun at first, grated on my nerves after a while, as they would often break in during a suspenseful scene, thereby ruining the progression of the narrative. Since their removal would diminish the embellishments, I encourage the author to instead pen less frequent, more informative interruptions.
As noted earlier, the book often waded into political tangents with the author character railing against the left. When I selected the book, the provided description did advise, "A non-conservative reviewer or reader could experience difficulty getting through this book," but after the four years we Americans suffered from 2017-2021, I took everything with a giant grain of salt, laughing at the hypocrisy of the author character's views of the left in light of #45's "legacy.”
As befitting such a tome, Severely Embellished Tales is laden with extensive and complex vocabulary. While I was often able to divine the words I didn't already know based on their context, I admittedly did need to visit Webster's place more than once. While it may rankle others, I enjoyed learning new words. I also really liked the multiple dialects used in the book, most notably Brogue, Yiddish, and Germanic. Goodall's inclusion of background music suggestions added yet another fun layer to my reading. However, while readers may find it necessary to consult a dictionary and songbook, it was obvious that the writer did not consult a professional editor, as the book was replete with grammatical errors, including punctuation faux pas, issues with capitalization, and several misspellings.
I wish that I could give this long-winded tale a 2.5, but I rounded up instead, as the fictional report truly was entertaining and quite a feat on the part of Goodall. Therefore, I grant this Three Little Pigs embellishment a rating of 3 out of 4 stars. I have no hesitation in recommending this fable to fans of contorted classics, readers who enjoy nonlinear stories, and bibliophiles with an interest in expanding their vocabulary. On the other hand, people suffering from hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia or sesquipedalophobia (the fear of long words) should give this tome a wide berth. This story also isn’t meant for children.
- Williams, Severely Embellished TalesThere is nothing that could render this... this apocryphal tale any less “standard,” any less “English” or any less “fairy.”
******
Severely Embellished Tales
View: on Bookshelves
