What is the best way to overcome abuse and trauma?

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Kat Berg
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Re: What is the best way to overcome abuse and trauma?

Post by Kat Berg » 30 Apr 2018, 01:02

cristinaro wrote:
02 Apr 2018, 05:33
I agree with most of the things you mentioned. I have only one small remark regarding the difficulty of describing abusive situations. I have in mind Toni Morrison's novels Beloved and The Bluest Eye. In Beloved, a mother prefers killing her child for fear of sharing her fate as a slave whereas in The Bluest Eye, a girl is abused and finally raped by her alcoholic father. I watched a video with an interview taken to Toni Morrison about Beloved - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP6umkgMRq4. What she says is that it was incredibly hard to find the language to describe the story of a mother who was so desperate as to kill her child and that precise moment is so buried in the text that you have problems finding it. For me, Toni Morrison is an incredible writer and she did find the words to touch anyone to tears.
I agree. I think it is incredibly difficult to find the words. There are just so many and not enough. There is also the question of how to write about the abuser. Are they ALL bad? Can they be sympathetic at all? What does to our humanity if they are? What about if they are not? What does it do to those who have experienced trauma and abuse to read those depictions? To write authentically about the really hard things, those things that rip out our heart and stomp on them, and to do it justice, takes bravery, wisdom, gentleness, and so much more.

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Post by BookObsessedJunkie » 30 Apr 2018, 01:31

I personally think that for every person there is a different way they cope and overcome abuse! For some people they need an outlet to release their rage, hurt and resentment! I think talking about is one of the keys to overcome abuse! Finding someone you trust and telling them can help. An activity also helps too. A creative outlet and or sport. After finding the strength and courage to do so, confronting the abuser could be liberating!!

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Post by meadhbh » 30 Apr 2018, 02:20

I don't think there's any one best way to deal with abuse. I think it probably very much comes down to the individual, and what works best for them.

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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 02:41

kwahu wrote:
24 Apr 2018, 08:42
The situation for Natalie is a complex one and really moved by the way she goes through it all successfully. I don't think there is any easier way to deal with an abuse, though it depends with the person in question. We all cope with abusive relationships differently. Moreover, describing such stories ain't that easy.
Natty did strive to change things for the better, but I think she never fully managed to overcome her traumatic experiences.
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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 02:43

BookObsessedJunkie wrote:
30 Apr 2018, 01:31
I personally think that for every person there is a different way they cope and overcome abuse! For some people they need an outlet to release their rage, hurt and resentment! I think talking about is one of the keys to overcome abuse! Finding someone you trust and telling them can help. An activity also helps too. A creative outlet and or sport. After finding the strength and courage to do so, confronting the abuser could be liberating!!
I also think that talking about what happened and keeping yourself active are good ways to start the healing process. Confronting the abuser may or may not work. It depends on the abuser's attitude too.
"The madness of writing is the antidote to true madness." (Hanif Kureishi)

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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 02:50

Kat Berg wrote:
30 Apr 2018, 01:02
cristinaro wrote:
02 Apr 2018, 05:33
I agree with most of the things you mentioned. I have only one small remark regarding the difficulty of describing abusive situations. I have in mind Toni Morrison's novels Beloved and The Bluest Eye. In Beloved, a mother prefers killing her child for fear of sharing her fate as a slave whereas in The Bluest Eye, a girl is abused and finally raped by her alcoholic father. I watched a video with an interview taken to Toni Morrison about Beloved - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP6umkgMRq4. What she says is that it was incredibly hard to find the language to describe the story of a mother who was so desperate as to kill her child and that precise moment is so buried in the text that you have problems finding it. For me, Toni Morrison is an incredible writer and she did find the words to touch anyone to tears.
I agree. I think it is incredibly difficult to find the words. There are just so many and not enough. There is also the question of how to write about the abuser. Are they ALL bad? Can they be sympathetic at all? What does to our humanity if they are? What about if they are not? What does it do to those who have experienced trauma and abuse to read those depictions? To write authentically about the really hard things, those things that rip out our heart and stomp on them, and to do it justice, takes bravery, wisdom, gentleness, and so much more.
I have been asking myself many of these questions lately. Thanks for expressing them so wonderfully. We all have such a good impression of ourselves, but I am wondering if we really know ourselves. You have to ask yourself: how would I react in a critical situation? What you think you know about yourself is not always the truth.
"The madness of writing is the antidote to true madness." (Hanif Kureishi)

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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 02:55

raekelly11 wrote:
27 Apr 2018, 20:05
I think the saddest thing about emotional or physical abuse that a child experiences within the family or as witnesses to one parent abusing the other, is that they really have to find a way to be retaught how to manage anger, grief, personal power and most of all how one can stand up for themselves without being overly aggressive or afraid to even try. Without some form of intervention in their own lives, meeting a kind person who can model for them a healthier relationship role and what boundaries are needed to be healthy, they just pass those dysfunctions on to their own relationships, families and children. I think being in nature and spending time alone to heal is one way people learn internal and external forgiveness. They re-parent themselves until their inner chaos and inner voices and fears are gradually replaced by a trust that they do have a place in the universe and in life ( nature).
Being alone helps as long as it does not turn into isolation. Spending a lot of time outdoors works incredibly well, though. Thank you for pointing this out.
"The madness of writing is the antidote to true madness." (Hanif Kureishi)

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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 02:59

kingstonew wrote:
28 Apr 2018, 02:49
The responsibility is not only with the father but also all the family members and relatives and other people who are aware of the abusive situation.The mother who has allowed it to continue.The neighbors are responsible to stop this abuse.The sellers of the alcohol are also responsible as well. The government officials are also responsible as part of government duty to safeguard rights of girls and women in society.The religious leaders and elders of the community are also to blame because it is their duty to ensure such abuses are eliminated from society.The teacher s of Natalie are also culpable as they should take action to protect the girl from her cruel father.Everyone who is ware f the crime and is silent is to blame for the perpetuation of the crime of child abuse.

The best means of responding to abuse and other traumatic experiences is not to fight back but to get rid of the situation with a solution that leaves the girl at peace. To fight is to waste energy in a futile exercise.The best way is to involve the neighbors, the Government, the relatives of the father, the religious leaders, and the inlaws to solve the problem once and for all.The government should charge the father with child abuse in a court of a law.The mother should also be charged as an accomplice to the crime of child abuse and neglecting her own daughter to undergo this heinous crime. In addition, the crime should be charged with an abuse of human rights.

It is not difficult for a writer to describe abusive situations. It is the work of the writer to describe these abusive situations and expose them for society to eliminate these bad practices in our communities and also bring on board the government departments and civil society to take restorative actions to make life better for all.
Thank you for this answer. I think we need more determined people like you. You are right. I absolutely agree with you that passivity and indifference are the greatest threats in these cases.
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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 03:05

anna1999 wrote:
29 Apr 2018, 02:17
To answer the question. Most commonly the abuser is never the only person responsible. Usually, abuse is often coupled by enablers. Those around for either fear or their own dilemmas relent to say or do anything. For whatever, reasons the victims will most often struggle with several types of emotional and/or cognitive issues through life. As an individual that works with children placed in the foster care system, trauma and abuse is something I see a lot of in the children I care for. As the 16-year old character in "Ironbark Hill" some of these children will never be the same, never be able to trust, or love appropriately. Perhaps, scared for life, which is something more than likely, very hard for the some writers to write about.
You must be doing an incredible job. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 03:09

Liz_Wright wrote:
29 Apr 2018, 11:59
cristinaro wrote:
02 Apr 2018, 05:33
I agree with most of the things you mentioned. I have only one small remark regarding the difficulty of describing abusive situations. I have in mind Toni Morrison's novels Beloved and The Bluest Eye. In Beloved, a mother prefers killing her child for fear of sharing her fate as a slave whereas in The Bluest Eye, a girl is abused and finally raped by her alcoholic father. I watched a video with an interview taken to Toni Morrison about Beloved. What she says is that it was incredibly hard to find the language to describe the story of a mother who was so desperate as to kill her child and that precise moment is so buried in the text that you have problems finding it. For me, Toni Morrison is an incredible writer and she did find the words to touch anyone to tears.
I definitely agree that finding the language to describe the experience verbally and in writing is extremely difficult. I worked as a trauma therapist for a few years and asking clients about their experiences many times led to them looking lost. How do you describe a sense of loss, loss of self, loss of feeling capable of action, loss of trust in others, but also of change in thinking and in behavior that was influenced by this experience that we have difficulty putting to words.

For many of my clients, writing about their experiences helped them to find a way to put to words, put to paper, their experiences. They could edit, they could add in, they could find better words to describe their experiences, but they could also review their past writings and see how their cognitions regarding their experiences had changed.
Thank you very much for what you wrote. It helps abused people to know they are not alone and that writing may be a solution to help them find some peace of mind.
"The madness of writing is the antidote to true madness." (Hanif Kureishi)

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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 03:16

freakkshowx wrote:
24 Apr 2018, 12:04
I was assaulted in middle school, and I have honestly found that controlled exposure therapy has helped me cope with my PTSD, especially books that deal moderately in my trigger areas. I find that I can heal along with the characters or author without having to feel like I'm oversharing in talking to friends or family, and I have real attempts to move forward that I can share with my therapist. Overall, reading certain books is a safe way to poke around in my own mind and determine where I stand threshold-wise. For anyone in my position, I would highly recommend Rupi Kaur's The Sun and Her Flowers for healing and Alice by Christina Henry for intense exposure. I would not recommend the newly diagnosed delve into Alice , however, because it is quite disturbing and should be saved for a challenge piece.
Thank you for sharing your story and for your recommendations. I think your suggestions may help others to consider therapy and to find a way to deal with their past.
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Post by Kihiu Dennoh » 30 Apr 2018, 03:25

I think silence would help. Self motivation i feel it would also help

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Post by cristinaro » 30 Apr 2018, 03:35

jaswill wrote:
26 Apr 2018, 15:43
Acknowledge and recognize the trauma for what it is. Victims of childhood trauma often spend years minimizing the event or dismissing it by pretending it didn’t happen or by succumbing to feelings of guilt or self-blame. The only way you can begin healing is to acknowledge that a traumatic event did occur and that you were not responsible for it.

2. Reclaim control. Feelings of helplessness can carry well over into adulthood and can make you feel and act like a perpetual victim, causing you to make choices based on your past pain. When you’re a victim, the past is in control of your present. But when you’ve conquered your pain, the present is controlled by you. There may always be a battle between past and present, but as long as you’re willing to let go of the old defenses and crutches you used as a child to navigate your trauma, you will be able to reclaim control of your life now and heal your pain.

3. Seek support and don’t isolate yourself. A natural instinct that many trauma survivors have is to withdraw from others, but this will only make things worse. A big part of the healing process is connecting to other people, so make the effort to maintain your relationships and seek support. Talk to a trusted family member, friend or counselor and consider joining a support group for survivors of childhood trauma.

4. Take care of your health. Your ability to cope with stress will increase if you are healthy. Establish a daily routine that allows you to get plenty of rest, eat a well-balanced diet and exercise regularly. Most importantly, stay away from alcohol and drugs. These might provide temporary relief but will inevitably increase your feelings of depression, anxiety and isolation and can worsen your trauma symptoms.

5. Learn the true meaning of acceptance and letting go. Just because you accept something doesn’t mean you’re embracing your trauma or that you like it or agree with it. Acceptance means you’ve decided what you’re going to do with it. You can decide to let it rule your life or you can decide to let it go. Letting go doesn’t mean “poof!” it’s magically gone. Letting go means no longer allowing your bad memories and feelings of a bad childhood to rob yourself of living a good life now.

6. Replace bad habits with good ones. Bad habits can take many forms, like negativity and always mistrusting others, or turning to alcohol or drugs when feelings become too hard to bear. Bad habits can be hard to break, especially when they’re used as crutches to help you avoid reliving the pain and trauma of your childhood. A support group or a therapist can help you learn the tools necessary to break your bad habits and replace them with good ones.

7. Be patient with yourself. When you’ve been seriously hurt as a child you develop out-of-control emotions, hopelessness, defense mechanisms and warped perceptions that are difficult to let go of. It will take a lot of time and hard work to let go of these feelings. Be patient with yourself and honor your progress, no matter how small it may seem. It’s the little victories in your recovery that will eventually help you win the battle of healing your childhood trauma.
Thank you very much. Everything you wrote is incredibly helpful.
"The madness of writing is the antidote to true madness." (Hanif Kureishi)

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Post by Colette emmy » 30 Apr 2018, 03:38

Abuse and trauma can best be overcome by:
1:seek support
2:clean up your diet
3:exercise
4:self regulation techniques and stress reductions
5:find a psychological evaluation
6:find a trauma specialist and
7:find a functional medical doctor.

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Post by BookObsessedJunkie » 30 Apr 2018, 10:41

@cristinaro Yes i agree, sometimes the attitude of the abuser can be rotten! Or they might not be remorseful... So its best to deal with by loving yourself and knowing that its not your fault!

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