Is this any good?

This is the place for readers of poetry. Discuss poetry and literary art. You can also discuss music here, including lyrics. Also, you can discuss poets themselves, in addition to poetry.

How do you rate this?

Excellent
4
18%
Good
11
50%
Ok
5
23%
Bad
2
9%
 
Total votes: 22

AmandaRose
Posts: 72
Joined: 12 Jul 2012, 12:17
Bookshelf Size: 0

Re: Is this any good?

Post by AmandaRose »

The idea is there, but it's lacking a sense of depth. I feel like the rhyming was more important to the writer than the poem itself. I urge you to take this solely as constructive criticism and build on it. There's talent in that poem; you just have to dig a little deeper.
User avatar
bknight47
Posts: 50
Joined: 16 Jul 2012, 14:32
Favorite Author: Dan Brown
Favorite Book: Red Dragon Thomas Harris
Currently Reading: It Worked For Me Colin Powell
Bookshelf Size: 0
fav_author_id: 2452

Post by bknight47 »

You have for sure captured the frustration that I'm sure many females feel. Now it's time to put your energies into finding that goldmine that exists within you, and fall in love with that, rather than wasting your energies on someone that obviously does not know you exist.
James Donovan
Posts: 39
Joined: 09 Jul 2012, 09:52
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by James Donovan »

Nice informative post and efforts by writer.
Garathnormanmtts
Posts: 100
Joined: 07 Jul 2011, 06:15
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by Garathnormanmtts »

Nice one.. i love it
[*]Drupal web design, Drupal web development, Drupal web Design Company, Drupal web Development Company
cobooboc
Posts: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2012, 04:13
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by cobooboc »

I think you are well-written, and I think this is when you're sad to write.
User avatar
cmjellison
Posts: 6
Joined: 07 Nov 2012, 21:55
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by cmjellison »

Hello Cath -

From my poetry experience i would say this poem needs more concrete details, let us know exactly what he did. That way it is unique and connects with events in our own life. Kudos on the rhyming, but here it gets in the way of the pain and moving on the speaker has to do.

Please feel free to send me any poems that you think need edited.

Christina
jorgea
Posts: 4
Joined: 26 Nov 2012, 15:07
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by jorgea »

Cath wrote:Trapped

I love him so much, but he’s never there,
I give him my all, but he doesn’t care.
We live in our house, but it doesn’t feel like home,
My hearts breaking inside, I feel so alone.
Tomorrow will be better; I promise I’ll change,
But nothing ever does, it’s always the same.
I can’t stand this anymore; something’s got to give,
We can’t stay like this; it is no way to live.
I try to leave, but he begs me to stay,
I know that I shouldn’t, but I can’t walk away.
I love him you see, and I always will,
Two hearts bound together, in a life with no thrill.


This has mixed of emotions and a bit too much of unrealistic hope.
User avatar
AKTuminello
Posts: 25
Joined: 04 Jan 2015, 20:27
Bookshelf Size: 6
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-aktuminello.html

Post by AKTuminello »

I'm not a big poetry fan but it makes me wish I had "her" phone number. Sounds like she could use a friend. :)
User avatar
ejcogan
Posts: 246
Joined: 26 Oct 2014, 21:19
Favorite Author: Jeaniene Frost
Favorite Book: Once Burned
Currently Reading: The Truth of all Flesh
Bookshelf Size: 31
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-ejcogan.html
Latest Review: "Dehumanized" by Michael Loring
fav_author_id: 3311

Post by ejcogan »

It was good. There are probably many people who can relate to this. Maybe follow up with something that says you can change the situation.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to be married to a psycho for the rest of your life.
Latest Review: "Dehumanized" by Michael Loring
Genaaa
Posts: 221
Joined: 09 Sep 2016, 21:51
Bookshelf Size: 18
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-genaaa.html
Latest Review: "A Messiahs Battle For The Human Realm" by Roberto Torres Rivera

Post by Genaaa »

I think this is wonderfully written and you really convey emotion through it. People can relate to it in one way. After all we all do things sometimes we know we shouldn't do but can't seem to stop.
Latest Review: "A Messiahs Battle For The Human Realm" by Roberto Torres Rivera
User avatar
Ashley 1820
Posts: 267
Joined: 15 Aug 2016, 05:23
Currently Reading: Rebecca
Bookshelf Size: 21
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-ashley-1820.html

Post by Ashley 1820 »

good effort. you need a little improvement but well done. Good luck!
User avatar
Mely918
Posts: 405
Joined: 14 May 2018, 19:15
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 39
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-mely918.html
Latest Review: I'm Going to Kill that Cat by F. Della Notte

Post by Mely918 »

It's pretty good. You can clearly see and feel the woman's pain at being in a loveless relationship. However, I would have liked it even more if she had shown some resolve at the end of the poem instead of accepting her current circumstances.
User avatar
jay_loquillano123
Posts: 1
Joined: 03 Jun 2018, 20:41
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by jay_loquillano123 »

a really good choice of words
User avatar
ladysparrow
Posts: 1
Joined: 03 Jun 2018, 22:58
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by ladysparrow »

:tiphat: it's good. many people can relate. it shows how much a woman suffer in this kind of relationship. love can make us crazy. you know the right thing to do but still your heart choose to love him no matter what. you have to endure it and wish for the best
User avatar
palilogy
Posts: 477
Joined: 05 Jun 2018, 16:24
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 39
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-palilogy.html
Latest Review: Mistress Suffragette by Diana Forbes

Post by palilogy »

I'm interested in the poem, but I want to know the reason beyond the feelings.
Why is the narrator trapped.
Specifics are always better over cliches.
Post Reply

Return to “Poetry & Music”