Love poem I wrote

[Cnc_theft_auto]

sorry but i did this on my ipod so had to screenshot it.

what does everyone think of it?

[Fran]

Ah you're an old softie at heart .... if it doesn't work she's a dam fool.

[Cnc_theft_auto]

Thanks Fran. I worked a bit more on it last night so I will post the second version here after school.

[Simworm]

Awww so sweet

[Cnc_theft_auto]

heres the second version. Which is better and how should i incorporate different bits

[Fran]

I love the way it comes up on screen like it's a page torn from a school jotter
.... I'm going all misty eyed thinking of my teenage loves.

I hope she likes it & takes you up on the date offer ... best of luck.

[Cnc_theft_auto]

Thanks Fran. You have the iPod Touch Notes app to thank for that misty-eyed feeling.

I'm not going to send it through to her just yet, as the friendship needs to build up just a bit more before it can advance to the next stage.

I was thinking of putting this in towards the end somewhere:

Now tell me do you feel the same?
Or do you just think I am lame?

Would those two lines help my cause or not?

[Fran]

My advice, for what it's worth, would be not to add those two lines.
The Do you want to go out with me strikes me as a question she is going to have to treat seriously whereas the 'do you just think I am lame' she might take as a bit flippant & react equally flippantly.

[Cnc_theft_auto]

My advice, for what it's worth, would be not to add those two lines.
The Do you want to go out with me strikes me as a question she is going to have to treat seriously whereas the 'do you just think I am lame' she might take as a bit flippant & react equally flippantly.

Thanks for your advice? I really like the "do you feel the same" line, because thats almost confronting, so what do you think I should have to rhyme with same? I've tried all i can think of but none of them work. maybe i could say "do you feel the same way?"

UPDATE: I changed it to

I want to be with you every day.
Please tell me if you feel that way.

I sent it through and she said no. She did say she loves me but theres another guy.

Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

[philipsteele]

i liked your writing styles...try to read as much as you can..then you can improve your writings a lot..

[Hannellene]

I really liked this poem. I think the tone works very well with the flow of the poem and the wording is something not seen as much lately. Great job!

[Luxon17]

It wasn't a really great poem. Keep it up.

[Timpane]

I'm not going to drive it through to her just yet, as the companionship desires to construct up just a bit more before it can accelerate to the next stage.

[twilightchick792]

awwww very sweet and beautiful

[Cnc_theft_auto]

thanks for the support you guys.