Jokes!
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shokosugi
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Jokes!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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Limotek
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Haha very good. That reminds me of a similar joke.
An elderly lady walking down the street has her purse snatched. The police arrive and take a desciption. Later that day, the police find a man matching the description and explain to him they're going to take him to see the lady to try and get a positive ID. Upon meeting the lady; the man immediately states "Yes officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from".
An elderly lady walking down the street has her purse snatched. The police arrive and take a desciption. Later that day, the police find a man matching the description and explain to him they're going to take him to see the lady to try and get a positive ID. Upon meeting the lady; the man immediately states "Yes officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from".
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msbaby
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Those of you who don’t have a baby or two or three might not appreciate this joke. But those who do (such as myself) will probably see themselves in one of the following attitude comparisons.
1st baby: You can’t wait to wear your first maternity top.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes till your pants won’t zip.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes have become your regular clothes.
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THE BIRTH
1st baby: You and your partner practice your breathing every chance you get.
2nd baby: Why practice you remember that last time, breathing didn't help.
3rd baby: You start requesting an epidural starting in your 8th month.
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PREPARING THE BABY’S LAYETTE
1st baby: You take time to pre-wash and color-coordinate baby’s clothes and then neatly fold them in the baby's dresser drawers. Pink for a girl and blue for a boy.
2nd baby: You make sure that the outfits are clean and discard only the ones with the worst stains.
3rd baby: It won’t scar a boy for life if he wears pink, will it?
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FRETS AND WORRIES
1st baby: At the first whimper you rush to pick up the baby.
2nd baby: If the cries threaten to wake your firstborn, you pick the baby up.
3rd baby: You tell your toddler to rewind the swing for baby sister or brother.
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PACIFIERS
1st baby: If the pacifier hits the floor, you wash and perhaps boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt some juice from the baby's bottle and blow on it.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your pants leg and pop it back in.
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DIAPER CHANGES
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour on the hour wet or not.
2nd baby: You change the diaper every 2 to 3 hours if soggy.
3rd baby: Diapers are changed before others start to complain about the smell or the butt’s sagging.
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ACTIVITIES
1st baby: You book play dates for your infant at Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour at the local library.
2nd baby: You make Baby Gymnastics because they have good snacks.
3rd baby: You take your infant with you grocery shopping and to the dry cleaner.
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GOING OUT
1st baby: The first night out you call the sitter 5 times.
2nd baby: You remember to post a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You tell the sitter to call only if she can’t stop the bleeding.
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DAYS AT HOME
1st baby: You can’t get enough of gazing at the baby’s face.
2nd baby: You try to be sure your older child isn't squeezing or poking the baby.
3rd baby: You stay in the bathroom as long as possible to get a little time to yourself.
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MONEY DOWN THE HATCH
1st child: When first baby swallows a nickel or a dime, you rush the child to the hospital and demand an x-ray.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you watch the stools to see that coin passes.
3rd child: When 3rd child swallows money you make a mental to deduct it from his allowance!
1st baby: You can’t wait to wear your first maternity top.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes till your pants won’t zip.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes have become your regular clothes.
---------------
THE BIRTH
1st baby: You and your partner practice your breathing every chance you get.
2nd baby: Why practice you remember that last time, breathing didn't help.
3rd baby: You start requesting an epidural starting in your 8th month.
---------------
PREPARING THE BABY’S LAYETTE
1st baby: You take time to pre-wash and color-coordinate baby’s clothes and then neatly fold them in the baby's dresser drawers. Pink for a girl and blue for a boy.
2nd baby: You make sure that the outfits are clean and discard only the ones with the worst stains.
3rd baby: It won’t scar a boy for life if he wears pink, will it?
---------------
FRETS AND WORRIES
1st baby: At the first whimper you rush to pick up the baby.
2nd baby: If the cries threaten to wake your firstborn, you pick the baby up.
3rd baby: You tell your toddler to rewind the swing for baby sister or brother.
---------------
PACIFIERS
1st baby: If the pacifier hits the floor, you wash and perhaps boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt some juice from the baby's bottle and blow on it.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your pants leg and pop it back in.
---------------
DIAPER CHANGES
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour on the hour wet or not.
2nd baby: You change the diaper every 2 to 3 hours if soggy.
3rd baby: Diapers are changed before others start to complain about the smell or the butt’s sagging.
---------------
ACTIVITIES
1st baby: You book play dates for your infant at Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour at the local library.
2nd baby: You make Baby Gymnastics because they have good snacks.
3rd baby: You take your infant with you grocery shopping and to the dry cleaner.
---------------
GOING OUT
1st baby: The first night out you call the sitter 5 times.
2nd baby: You remember to post a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You tell the sitter to call only if she can’t stop the bleeding.
---------------
DAYS AT HOME
1st baby: You can’t get enough of gazing at the baby’s face.
2nd baby: You try to be sure your older child isn't squeezing or poking the baby.
3rd baby: You stay in the bathroom as long as possible to get a little time to yourself.
---------------
MONEY DOWN THE HATCH
1st child: When first baby swallows a nickel or a dime, you rush the child to the hospital and demand an x-ray.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you watch the stools to see that coin passes.
3rd child: When 3rd child swallows money you make a mental to deduct it from his allowance!
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UnsungHero
- Posts: 28
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The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it -- I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door -- cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it -- I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door -- cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet.
The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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chriscash01
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chriscash01
- Posts: 51
- Joined: 09 Jan 2009, 03:08
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Evrything abt u is perfect - ur lips, ur skin, ur eyes, ur body. Perfect! Ur lucky to be born beautiful, not like me, who was born to be a big liar.
We 'click' 2geder coz u tink im nice & i tink ur nice. U tink im cool & i tink ur cool. U tink im kind & i tink ur kind. u tink im cute & i tink ur RIGHT!
If Love cn b avoided by simply closing our eyes, den I wudnt blink at all 4 i dnt want 2 let a second pass having fallen out of love with you...
LaSt NiGhT i hUgGeD mY pIlLoW aNd DrEaMt oF yOu... I wIsH tHaT sOmEdAy I wOuLd DrEaM aBoUt My PiLlOw AnD i'D bE hUgGiNg YoU."
When I say gud morning, dat means I'm thinking of you. When I say take care, dat means I care for you. When I say and cute mo, antok lang ako.
wen u fil dat nodoby luvs u.. dat nobody cares.. wen all u can do is cry n walk away bcoz evryone is against u... then u are the weakest link! GOODBYE!!!
A KISS can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point... So don't dare 2 kiss me co'z I might get crazy!!!!
u sed pls dnt cry, i sed its olryt.. u sed pls dnt liv me, i sed wen did i? u sed il go nw, i ask wr wd u go? u sed m luving sme1, i ask hu? u sed - its not u.. kala ko ako.
Y do i txt u? It's my choice. It's my way f saying i rmmbr u. Y do i rmmbr u? It's my choice. It proves dat i care. Y do i care? Dnt knw. It's not my choice. It's my heart's.
sm1 once asked me,"hav u evr folen n luv?" den i answrd "of course..mny tyms" den dey gave me anoder qstion, "did it hurt?" i thot of u & told dem "yes..very mch".
gusto ko na benta cellfone ko... lam mo ba??? gusto ko hagis, durugin at tadyakan ang cellfone ko... lam mo ba??? gusto ko na panakaw ito... alam mo ba???? maloloka na ko sa pag-intay ng text mo... alam mo ba??? paano mo malalaman eh nakatingin ka sa iba!!!!!
I h8 u wen u smyl at me coz u make me crazy about u. i h8 u wen u talk 2 me coz u make me run out of words, i h8 u wen i c u coz u mke me luv u more,.....
It was a simple crush, done and over with, then you looked at me."
"The smell of a woman should stay with you. The smell of a man should come to you as you go to him and leave you with only a memory, not a headache."
How dare you come along this way and turn my hardened heart to clay?"
Falling in love is when he lays in your arms and wakes up in your dreams." What a joke!
We 'click' 2geder coz u tink im nice & i tink ur nice. U tink im cool & i tink ur cool. U tink im kind & i tink ur kind. u tink im cute & i tink ur RIGHT!
If Love cn b avoided by simply closing our eyes, den I wudnt blink at all 4 i dnt want 2 let a second pass having fallen out of love with you...
LaSt NiGhT i hUgGeD mY pIlLoW aNd DrEaMt oF yOu... I wIsH tHaT sOmEdAy I wOuLd DrEaM aBoUt My PiLlOw AnD i'D bE hUgGiNg YoU."
When I say gud morning, dat means I'm thinking of you. When I say take care, dat means I care for you. When I say and cute mo, antok lang ako.
wen u fil dat nodoby luvs u.. dat nobody cares.. wen all u can do is cry n walk away bcoz evryone is against u... then u are the weakest link! GOODBYE!!!
A KISS can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point... So don't dare 2 kiss me co'z I might get crazy!!!!
u sed pls dnt cry, i sed its olryt.. u sed pls dnt liv me, i sed wen did i? u sed il go nw, i ask wr wd u go? u sed m luving sme1, i ask hu? u sed - its not u.. kala ko ako.
Y do i txt u? It's my choice. It's my way f saying i rmmbr u. Y do i rmmbr u? It's my choice. It proves dat i care. Y do i care? Dnt knw. It's not my choice. It's my heart's.
sm1 once asked me,"hav u evr folen n luv?" den i answrd "of course..mny tyms" den dey gave me anoder qstion, "did it hurt?" i thot of u & told dem "yes..very mch".
gusto ko na benta cellfone ko... lam mo ba??? gusto ko hagis, durugin at tadyakan ang cellfone ko... lam mo ba??? gusto ko na panakaw ito... alam mo ba???? maloloka na ko sa pag-intay ng text mo... alam mo ba??? paano mo malalaman eh nakatingin ka sa iba!!!!!
I h8 u wen u smyl at me coz u make me crazy about u. i h8 u wen u talk 2 me coz u make me run out of words, i h8 u wen i c u coz u mke me luv u more,.....
It was a simple crush, done and over with, then you looked at me."
"The smell of a woman should stay with you. The smell of a man should come to you as you go to him and leave you with only a memory, not a headache."
How dare you come along this way and turn my hardened heart to clay?"
Falling in love is when he lays in your arms and wakes up in your dreams." What a joke!
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sharon.gmc
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