A Funeral 3 Ways

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Mannie913
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A Funeral 3 Ways

Post by Mannie913 »

I am new to the world of writing so this is just something I've thrown together. If anyone wouldn't mind taking the time to provide feedback, I would greatly appreciate it. I will not get upset at the criticism I receive because I understand it will only make me better. Thank you I honestly appreciate it!


The world hasn’t stopped spinning but my baby is gone. I hardly registered the people walking up and giving me hugs. All their faces blurred together behind my tear soaked eyes. I knew they were sincerely apologizing for the agonizing hell I was being pulled through but those would not bring my sunflower back. I’m still having a hard time processing that she will not be there when we get home today. Thankfully, my husband has taken the role of supporting me and being my rock through this whole thing...literally. My knees started to tremble and I felt I was going to slip but Greg was there to catch me. He was so fast about it, no one noticed my moment of weakness.

I was keeping myself composed until the pallbearers brought out Amber in her beautiful white and gold coffin. I knew if Amber had a choice, it would’ve been this one. Amber was such a happy person and she would not have wanted a black, dull coffin to lie in. Pastor Mark was speaking but I couldn’t hear him. My head was pounding from the number of tears I had shed over the past couple of days. I was completely and utterly lost. I knew I needed to be strong but at this point I had given it everything I had. If it wasn’t for my other daughter, Chelsea, I don’t think I could have gotten out of bed this morning.

“Amber was someone who will be missed greatly. She had a genuine need to make people smile. I remember her always volunteering to dance in our Vacation Bible School. She would always pick the quietest child in the group and dance with them, always tried to make them feel like a star.” Pastor Mark reminisced wiping a tear from his eye. He was right. I could feel the corners of my mouth turn upward slightly at the memories. A couple people around the room let out a little laugh. Probably remembering my silly, brilliant daughter. Laughing. My smile immediately left my face at the thought that I will never get to hear the obnoxious snort that always followed Amber’s laugh when she was truly tickled.

It was time to walk up and say our final goodbyes. I knew I would never truly say goodbye to my loving daughter. She would always be with me. Greg helped me get up and walk over to the coffin. Thank Heavens for this solid man! I laid down the most beautiful sunflower I was able to fine. I chose this one in particular because it reminded me of the tattoo she had on the back of her left shoulder blade. I remember arguing with her about getting it, saying it wouldn’t look good when she got older. That’s only one of the arguments I regret having with her. I already miss seeing it sticking out over the tank tops she wore.

“I’m sorry, baby, but I think it’s time” my faithful husband whispered beside me. By the deep tenor in his voice, I knew he was being tough for my sake. I looked into his eyes to find my exact pain reflected there. He didn’t know that I’ve heard him break down night after night in Amber’s room. Amber and Greg had a father-daughter relationship that people could have written a book about. She was the son he never got but the princess he always needed. He grasped my hand, tears streaking down his face. He led me off to the car so we could go to our shell of a home without our sunflower.

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God this was awkward. How in the hell did I always find myself in these odd situations? There were people crying everywhere and Haleigh, my girlfriend, beside me was no better off. This was one of her friend’s funerals. Haleigh had always talked about Amber but since we lived in China, I was never able to meet her. I knew Haleigh was hurting. It had been a while since Amber and her had talked. I couldn’t blame her for the ugly snot bubbles that gathered at the bottom of her nose. I just don’t know how to comfort her! What do you do when you can’t fix the problem?

I’ll give credit where credit is due. Mr. Burgner was doing a wonderful job consoling his wrecked wife. I could tell Mrs. Burgner was trying to keep herself together but clearly her heart was shattered. She was having a hard time holding onto reality. One minute she was there, the next she wasn’t. I couldn’t tell if it was the drugs the doctors put her on to help with the depression or if it was the depression itself. I was surprised at how well Amber’s longtime boyfriend was holding up. From what Haleigh had told me, Zack and Amber had been together for over 2 years. His role as one of the pallbearers is one that I hope I never have to play for Haleigh. His eyes were red-rimmed and it was clear he was in pain but he stood tall and carried the weight of the casket without one complaint. It was evident he was devoted to her, even in death.

The sudden shake from Haleigh’s sobs brought my attention back to her. I hugged her, kissed her forehead, but I didn’t feel like I was making any difference. I had googled earlier “How to comfort your girlfriend at her friend’s funeral”. It was much less than helpful. It told me to be aware of the grieving process, advise it’s ok to be sad, and reach out to them. I had followed all of the instructions but I still felt like I wasn’t helping at all. I patted her on the back, remembering tip 3, and told her I was here. It would pass. It was time to stand up and say the final goodbyes at the coffin. Usually most people brought roses or orchids to a funeral, but I love that Amber’s parents were putting a vibrant sunflower on top of the dazzling sarcophagus which was white with details of gold.

“Sunflowers were her favorite” Haleigh croaked out. Her voice obviously taking a toll from all the tears. I nodded, understanding immediately why everyone had brought her one. The canopy outside was covered in them. From the road, it probably looked like a celebration instead of a funeral. Each person in attendance had a sunflower in their hand ready to honor the notoriously happy Amber.



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The sunflowers were beautiful! Those were the only cheerful part of this entire ordeal. I was looking out over all my family and friends who came to lay me to rest. It was horrifying to have to watch my father practically carry my mother over to her seat. I was a little shocked seeing Haleigh and her boyfriend in the vast crowd. I hadn’t seen her in so long! I wish I could go over there and wipe her nose. All that snot was not becoming but I knew her boyfriend didn’t mind. He wasn’t her usual type which I guess is why he’s lasted longer than all the others. Good for her.

The music started playing and out came the pallbearers. I watched as my mother’s façade smashed to a thousand pieces. I think my parents did an outstanding job on picking it out. It was perfect. Not too dreary. It lightened everything a little bit. My father held my mother offering as much support as he could. I knew this was taking a greater toll on him than he let on. I was there all those nights he just laid on my bed and cried. Cried my name, holding my favorite stuffed giraffe. That had been the worst about this whole ‘being dead’ thing.

I was happy that my best friend, Nic, was one of my pallbearers. I was there when my parents asked him. I knew he would do it for me. He had been my best friend from birth to death. Literally. Then there of course was Zack, one of my other pallbearers. He had been my boyfriend while I was alive. He’s actually the reason today was happening. For now, Zack was playing the part of the emotionally wrecked boyfriend. His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed like he hadn’t gotten sleep in day. Truthfully, he hasn’t since that night he murdered me. I’ve been haunting his dreams since.

The police found me in my car with my head busted, the windshield smashed. It looked like I hit a light pole. “She must have been texting and driving” the police officer had told my parents. I hated thinking back to that day. My mother collapsed and my sister screamed her denial. My dad just stood there, eyes glazed over. Their worst nightmare come to life. By the way my dad watched Zack out of the corner of his eyes, I knew my dad was suspect of him. The fact that my father knew my so well made me beam with pride.

I was planning on finding a way to bring Zack to justice for what actually happened to me but right now I was too focused on my family. Looking out I saw all the important faces. I had my family but also my friends. Nic, Tessa, Leslie, Chris, Alexis. They were all there and accounted for. Each one with tissues in hand. It was odd seeing Tessa without any make up in public. I guess she didn’t want the ugly mascara lines what with all that crying.

“Do you see your killer here?” Mariah asked, floating next to me by the head of my coffin. She was talking over Pastor Mark but I could still hear her clearly. “Well, of course!” I nodded and smiled sarcastically. “He’s right over there playing the ever-devoted boyfriend.” I crossed my arms across my chest and lifted my chin in Zack’s direction. Mariah was a Seeker. She was sent here to help me cut my ties to Earth so I could move on to the other side. Mariah let out a big breath and said “Then let’s get started”.
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Jacque33
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Post by Jacque33 »

When I first started reading this I figured the 3rd part of the funeral would be the same as the other two. Just reporting on what everyone goes through at a funeral. The one through her eyes though, wow. It really has some potential if you have more. There were great questions to entice the readers. This should not be a stand alone story. There is little in the way of beginning, middle, end.
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Mannie913
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Post by Mannie913 »

Thank you for replying!! Yeah I felt a little more into the view of the deceased. Thanks again!
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Post by Tyrwhitt »

Just a couple of point of view things: when the mother refers to the dead daughter as her baby and then talks about what she would have wanted for a coffin i got an emotional disconnect (how does she know what a baby would want?), until, 2 paragraphs later, we got the pastor's speech; how does the boyfriend know the mother is on antidepressants (and, incidentally, why does he say i'll give credit where credit is due instead of credit where it's due - it's unnecessarily and distractingly formal) These are small things, but run the risk of breaking focus from the story itself to the mechanics of the relationships.
Other than that, i would echo the review that says the 3rd part is the strongest and could well be developed. do you need the first 2 parts? do they add or distract from the strengths of the third part?
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Mannie913
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Post by Mannie913 »

Thank you for your feedback! That's makes sense!!
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Post by Lincoln »

Jacque33 wrote:When I first started reading this I figured the 3rd part of the funeral would be the same as the other two. Just reporting on what everyone goes through at a funeral. The one through her eyes though, wow. It really has some potential if you have more. There were great questions to entice the readers. This should not be a stand alone story. There is little in the way of beginning, middle, end.
I agree. There is a lot of potential here but it needs a little bit of work to bring it up!
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Post by DATo »

@Mannie913 - Sorry I have not responded sooner. I must have missed this story when you first posted it.

First of all I really like the three-person point of view with which the story is told. It adds an interesting dimension to the construction. I also think you did a good job describing a funeral scene and the emotions of the participants - it had a very authentic feel to it. I am very much into twists in short stories and your final character, as well as the cause of her demise, was both surprising and well presented.

Whenever I write a short story I continue to go over it when I am finished looking for ways I could improve it. I never succeed. I continually write it over and rewrite it until finally, in frustration, I simply have to say it's done. There may be odds and ends which you could improve but overall I thought it was a good story and well written. I enjoyed reading it and thank you for sharing it with us!
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