And The Demons Weep

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
Post Reply
User avatar
Randomgold
Posts: 365
Joined: 29 Nov 2016, 11:31
Bookshelf Size: 22
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-randomgold.html
Latest Review: "A Kingdom Forgotten" by Charles W. McDonald Jr.

And The Demons Weep

Post by Randomgold »

Flashing lights. Pounding music. People talking. Laughing. Dancing. Smell of alcohol. Scent of smoke. Not from cigarettes. Nothing as mundane as those. Nobody says anything, even if they object. Why bother? Everyone is there to have fun, or else pretend to. Why take that away from someone else?

People fill the place. It's packed. People dance formlessly. They drink. They talk. They laugh. Some are there just for that. Some are there to get drunk. Still others just look for a quick thrill in a stranger's bed.

One man hates it. He wishes he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. But no. He has to be there. He may not like it, but he has reasons. He sits by himself and looks at the people who want to be there. He nurses a beer of questionable quality. He doesn't drink it. He never drinks it.

He needs to stay alert. Sharp. His target is still on the dance floor. Too many people around her. But he has time. He will wait as long as he needs to.

He is not waiting long. The girl leaves the floor to get a drink. He stands. Starts moving towards her. She's young. Probably got in with a fake ID. Doesn't matter to him. He has a job to do. He stops. The demons in his mind start acting up. The twin demons known as Morality and Conscience. They whisper to him. Telling him to leave. To walk away. She's too young. She's done nothing. He forces them back. Traps them. Cages them in the darkest corner of his mind.

He walks up to the girl. Talks to her. Plays the charming stranger. She acts friendly. But not enough. A secret hidden in his sleeve comes out. A fine mist. A potent blend of aphrodisiacs, pheromones and certain other choice chemicals. She doesn't notice. He talks. Waits.

Her cheeks grow flushed. Her breathing deepens. She wants him. Desires him. Needs him more than she's ever needed anyone. And she doesn't know why. He asks her to leave with him. She follows him like a dog. She is his. She will do anything for him now.

The demons try to break free. Talking to him. Telling him he can still leave. But he knows it's too late. He leads her outside. Walks until he passes an ally. Smell of rotting meat. Perfect. She doesn't mind the smell. She cares only for him. She doesn't even realize what happened to her. The demons growl. They rattle their cages. They remind him that they are still there. Still try to get him to stop. There is still time, they say. You haven't done anything yet.

He takes her into the ally. Spots the dumpster. The smell comes from there. He stops. She doesn't. She's all over him. Touching. Kissing. Trying to be with him. He only responds the minimum amount he needs to. The twin beasts rage. They rattle their cages and shake the bars. They shout at him. Beg him to stop. He shuts them out.
A flash of metal from his wrist. She stops. Looks up at him. Her eyes are confused. Pained. She doesn't know what happened. Just that something is wrong. Her clothes turn red.

He takes a cloth. Presses it to her stomach. It turns red too. He moves his arms up. Red comes faster. It drips out onto the ground. He doesn't care. Her eyes are wide. They plead with him almost as loud as the demons. But he can't stop. Not now. Not anymore.

His feet move. Hers follow mindlessly. He guides her to the dumpster. Opens the lid. He picks her up. Gently. As little pain as possible. Her eyes look at him. Passed him. At something unseen. He has seen those eyes before. The eyes that see beyond. He wonders what they see. Always has. He doesn't ask. Never has. Never will. She couldn't answer him anyway.

Her eyes focus. He's never seen that before. She looks at him. A different kind of pleading. He leans down and kisses her. Lightly. Gently. Like he loves her. She smiles weakly. She lifts her arm. Slow. Shaking. She strokes his face. Her touch is soft. Her fingers are cold.

He places her in the dumpster. Tucks the bags around her. Like she is sleeping. Resting. He closes the lid. One more piece of rotting meat for the next day.

He turns. Starts walking. He stops. The demons break free of their cages. They rush out. Possess him. Go into his eyes. And the demons weep.
Latest Review: "A Kingdom Forgotten" by Charles W. McDonald Jr.
User avatar
PuckADoodle
Posts: 6
Joined: 29 Nov 2016, 21:28
Bookshelf Size: 0
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-puckadoodle.html

Post by PuckADoodle »

Wow, this was a creative idea for a short story! I love the idea of conflicting demons inside, and you did a great job at grabbing my attention and entertaining me. This was short and sweet but so full of emotions and actions that it was a pleasure to read anyway.
User avatar
minderella
Posts: 3
Joined: 01 Dec 2016, 22:10
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by minderella »

That was both beautiful and beautifully terrifying! My only thing is I wish it was longer...you gave me a taste of such an interesting (albeit dark) villain protagonist and now I'm hungry for more.
User avatar
versetab
Posts: 21
Joined: 29 Nov 2016, 05:03
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by versetab »

I love how you ended it with the title. Would have preferred longer sentences to evoke more emotions. Brilliant writing nonetheless
Post Reply

Return to “Creative Original Works: Short Stories”