Beginning of a short story (graphic)

[aparsons]

Hello! So, I'm in college, and saw two cats lurking near the parking lot. How they looked inspired me to write a short story. It's not done, I am not sure if I should keep going with it or give it up. Warning, the purpose of this beginning is to be sad, and emotional, so please be warned and don't be mad at me. I don't condone this, and it makes me sad too.

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I woke up to screaming, and the nest full of paws and screams. I smelt something different, something that wasn't my brothers, mother or the nest. I twisted around, hurting, and I saw a huge nose poking into the nest. It was wet and almost as big as my head. The nose moved aside and revealed a huge mouth full of teeth, tongue and drool. The mouth moved forward and I turned to run away, and something clamped onto my tail. I began to yowl, and scratch frantically through the nest to get away, and something ripped. I was able to get away, but my balance was off and I fell forward onto my face. I couldn't stop meowing and looking for my mother.

I heard more crying from around me, and I saw my brother scrunched up at the very back of our nest, hissing and crying. Something was wrong...I couldn't tell. The nose was still at the front of our nest, and I could hear it chewing something. I smelt blood all around me. I kept crying, I couldn't sit down, it hurt my tail. I saw my mother crouched over my sister, her fur was standing up, her tail was puffed up. The mouth that invaded our nest snaked out a tongue and licked at the lips. I could hear a low growling from the mouth, it was a deeper sound than my mother's hissing. I felt my fur prickling along my back and my tail, oh but the pain from my tail! I kept wailing, I couldn't help it. The nose started inching closer to us, and I could hear scrabbling from above and around us, the nose was trying to dig into our nest.

Mother hissed and spat at the nose. The warning went unnoticed, and mother swiped at the nose. She sliced across the nose, and it retreated. I heard whining coming from outside, but a second later it came back and kept snapping at us. The teeth seemed even bigger, and every time the mouth forced itself closer to mother. She kept hissing and swiping frantically, but the nose was too determined. I saw that my sister was not moving much, there was blood on her head. I heard brother behind me crying and meowing, I leaned a little closer to him. I felt him trembling, and realized I was shaking too. Mother was in front of us standing over our sister, but she was being forced back by the nose. The nose by now was slashed in many places, but the tongue and droll kept coming. Mother was forced back a little more, and the mouth clamped down on sister. I saw the teeth sink into sister's neck and her limp head disappeared into the maw.

Mother's screaming took on a shriller pitch and she lunged forward; latching onto the nose. It did not seem to matter, the nose and mouth, along with sister retreated from the nest. Mother followed, and I could hear her hissing and screaming outside. I walked carefully to the entrance of our nest. Outside I saw the familiar sight of trees, dirt and piles of other hiding places. Past the trees was the straight black expanse of ground that mother never let us explore. Past the black ground were the huge squares that mother called “buildings”. Mother said “humans” lived in them. But right in front of me was mother, I saw she was clinging to the nose.

The nose, from farther up, was attached to a huge beast. It had four legs, like mother and us, a tail, but it was much bigger than it. The ears were all wrong, and the fur was all one color, not striped like us. I could hear growling coming from the body, I saw ribs through the solid fur. Mother was scratching its face and it pawed at her trying to shake her off. It refused to drop my sister, letting her body flop around as it shook its head trying to dislodge my mother. I felt my brother creep up beside me, he was still shaking and he was whimpering deep in his throat. He leaned against me and watched too as the beast shook his head back and forth.

The beast finally shook his way over to a tree and slammed mother into the trunk. She slipped off its head, and fell to the ground. The beast stood looking at her, sister's body still stuffed in his mouth. I could see blood dripping off her stomach and tail. The beast started towards mother, but hesitated. It finally turned and loped away. I saw it shake its head furiously a few times, and finally went out of sight through the trees. I tried to sit down, but my tail still hurt, it hurt so much I began to cry again. Brother began to wail as well, we both tried to lie down watching mother, waiting for her to come fix the hurt. We did not wait long. Mother rolled off her back and stood slowly, her head hanging. Brother and I began to cry louder, hoping she would hear us. Mother shook her head slowly and turned to look at us. We huddled together, crouched and trying to keep off our tails. Mother slowly walked towards us, she was quiet and slow. When she reached the hole to our nest, she began to nudge at our heads. We cried louder, but began to inch backwards. We kept hitting our tails against bits of our nest and we cried even louder and stopped. Mother sighed, and kept nudging us backwards.

[moderntimes]

Excellent! Superb description and first rate concepts, fresh and engaging. And yeah, scary, but you don't pull punches and this is the right way. If a story is nasty, either don't write it in the first place, or tell it as it is.

One small typo or omission, sentence "The nose, from farther up, was attached to a huge beast. It had four legs, like mother and us, a tail, but it was much bigger than it." the closing is wrong, should be "bigger than ours"?

I don't know how the story will turn out -- maybe the little girl kitty will be adopted by the mysterious humans? If so, it's going to be first rate, and something you should finish, absolutely, and then consider submitting to a pet magazine. Yes it's a bit graphic but not over the top and if the ending is a happy one, very very publishable. Honest.

Go with it!

[aparsons]

EEEE!!!! Thanks so much! Maybe when I finish it I'll submit it to a short story contest on the site. Where are you supposed to publish short stories? I feel like only established authors really publish books full of short stories. Have you published any?

[moderntimes]

Yes I've sold a couple of short stories, not a biggie thing, small magazines mostly. I think I've made, oh, $300 total for my stories over the years. Sure won't pay the rent, hey? ha ha

My magazine articles have sold the most -- tops was a national sale for $1000. That sure was celebration money, a couple of evenings ot with my girlfriend and so on. But most were, mmm, $100 or $200.

As far as a collection of short stories, nope, I really haven't written that many total, maybe 6-8 max, so a collection isn't in the mix. All my sales were individual to small magazines.

[aparsons]

Bah, I was hoping I would get home sooner so I could reply to you in depth. I see the typo you noticed, sorry about that. I can reword it to: "The nose was attached to a huge beast. It had four legs, like mother and us, a tail, but it was much bigger than us. I had never seen anything so large." I think the reason I stopped writing this story was because I don't know the middle. I know how it starts (of course), and I know how it ends, but I'm a little stuck in the middle.

[moderntimes]

The story is fine! A little trim here and there and you're on track. There's nothing organically wrong with the story. I think that it would be a fine submission to pet magazines that print short stories. Honest.

[aparsons]

What do you do when you get stuck on something? I tend to flare into interest with things quickly, then take a long break, then go back to my projects. I guess I'm curious about your writing style, I know everyone has a different one.

[moderntimes]

I have my own way to deal with being stuck.

Let's say that I'm starting chapter 14. Now I have a general plot outline for my novel:
Mitch (my private eye) sees murder scene, appalled. Has anger issues and regrets. Helps his employee with a bully ex boyfriend. Talks to the murder witness. Talks to his pal Tony for info. Meets girlfriend for dinner. (etc)

So let's say that ch 14 is where Mitch is meeting a former gang member for help. I put them in a restaurant or maybe a bar, then what does the gang guy tell Mitch? I dunno -- I'm stuck on the plot sequence -- is it a clue or a false lead? Is the gang guy being straight or lying? and so on... tick tick tick...

Here's how I fix being stuck. I quit trying to write ch 14 and instead, I go back a ways, say, to ch 9 and re-read from there forward. I find a typo, fix a sentence so it's more clear, adjust some dialogue so it's easier to understand, and as I proceed thru the earlier chapters, I regain energy and pick up on previous plot threads. By the time I get to ch 14 again I can charge forward because I am on a mission.

So my recommendation is that you take a brief break, but not too long, and go back over earlier passages or chapters, to regain the balance and drive of the narrative.

Works for me.

[aparsons]

I like the idea behind not taking too long a break. I will build up momentum, then stall for months. Do you recommend forcing some writing out every day just to get something out?

[moderntimes]

Not necessarily every day. We all have other things to do and the real world impinges. Just try to write on a regular basis, even if the "writing" involves re-reading earlier chapters and making revisions.

[aparsons]

Makes sense. Thanks so much!

[KBrown]

So unique and refreshing! I loved the perspective from a bird. You have many routes you could go with this. Don't be afraid to go dark or emotional. You have an unique opportunity to make the audience rethink how they see ordinary things and nature.

Keep going!

[DATo]

How did I miss this when it was first posted?

aparsons - I agree with KBrown, it is a good start and there are many directions this story can take. Keep writing!

[Kourtney Bradley]

Well done! Very descriptive and engaging! It reads well, very smooth. A little sad, but not all stories get to be happy, right? Keep going, you seem like you have great potential!