Catherine's Book, Part 1: Chapter 1 (Book Saga Feedback)

[ChristianMB]

Hi, first of all i'll introduce myself.

My name is Christian, I'm from Spain, and I'm currently 21 years old.

Bearing that in mind, notice that english is not my main language, so please be patient with me if i make grammar mistakes.
Now, about me, i would like to point out that all my life i loved making up stories in my mind, and my goal (or dream) was always to get those stories on the cinema, but as time passes i see less odds of that happening, so instead i decided to try and write something down.

That is where this topic comes in, i would like to post something i write just today about a story that i have been thinking for years, obviously its not even close to being complete (not this piece i wrote today only, but the whole thing itself).

Also, please note that im not a regular reader, in my entire life i probably only read like 4 books, from whose 2 were in Spanish and 2 were in English.

With this i mean that i don't know how to write books and therefore there will be many many problems with it, so i want you all to kindly give me feedback both on the story and the writing side of the thing, to improve both things.

Having that said, thank you for reading and here i leave what i written today, notice that this is just a small part and does not have any kind of end, its just the beggining of the story.

Also, sorry if this post doesnt belong here, wasnt sure about where to put it.

Here it goes:

Above, a big moon in a night sky. Below, a little girl in a dark forest.
The moon, on its first quarter but growing. The girl, unconscious but awaking.
She blinks, sees the moon and the stars, incorpores herself on the grass that she's gently crushing with her body, and looks arround.
The trees surround her in the distance, as she lays still in a plain.
She looks back up to the sky, with the moonlight shining on her, showing off her features.
Pale skin, blue eyes and long blonde hair covering her childish face, that express nothing but
innocence. She's wearing a long white dress with her bare feet exposed alongside her whole arms, which apparently doesn't cover her enough from the cold wind as she starts to shiver, reaching with her hands to each one of her arms to cover herself as much as she can.
After inspecting the area for a bit, the cold starts to win the battle as she finally gets up
from the grass in a slow pace.
Her face as she spins arround from side to side is one of fear, as she doesnt decide what path
to take, if any. After a couple more glances at the forest all arround her, she hears distant noise
from one direction, and so makes that her path to follow, leading the way with the right foot first.
As she reaches the trees and finally leaves behind the grass from the plain, she
gets a look of a city in the distance, at the other side of the wood. Being night time, the city
really catches attention as its light makes even the brightest stars fade into oblivion with its
own corrupted light.
Apparently lost, she gets one last look arround between the trees from the forest as if she was looking for something, but the wind passing through the leaves and branches make strange noises that scare the poor little girl, and so she forgets about anything she could have been looking for and makes a rush to the city, starting to run and trying to not look back.
In that run she finally gets to the dark corners of the city which are surrounded by a highway.
She however does not notice the road and keeps running, only to get to a stop in the middle of it,
as a pair of lights come quickly to her from the horizon.
Confused and scared, she screams and covers her head in fright, and without knowing what was going on, the lights bordered her in the last second making a scratchy sound that scares the girl even further.
The thing suddenly stops a couple of meters away from her, and as she gets her sight back up again, she sees the now red lights that seem like evil, glowing eyes looking directly at her. She stares petrified for a bit until she hears a crack sound and starts to run after shouting a little scream of fear, heading deeper into the city. Behind her, a man peeks out of the car from the door that he just opened, and calls out for the girl to be more careful, but she does not listen.
Finally into the city, she lowers her rhythm and starts to walk slower, as she suspires from
tiredness, just realizing now how her feet are starting to ache from being bare, not to speak
about the cold street giving her even more tremblers. Still, having getting a bit hot with that exercise
has helped her to get in heat, and so before she gets colder again, she starts to run at a
slower pace than before, trying to not surpass her limit as she sighs with each step she gives,
making her breath visible in the cold wind that she is running against.
In her hurry and with the wind making her long hair wave in the air, she gets to the sidewalk just as a little air swirl gets her and tangles her with her own hair, blinding her sight for a brief moment. Without a stop, she tries to untangle herself from her hair, but just as she is finishing and gets a glance to the sidewalk, she notices a young man walking out from a dark alley, and inevitably stomps into him. The young man doesnt even react to the stomp, he just stands still and looks at the girl looking back at him with fear and confusion, on the edge of crying. His face doesnt help her either, as his expression is serious and unconcerned, he stares at her eyes without even blinking for a brief moment. Scared of the unkown young man, she dodges and gets in the dark alley from which he came. He just follows her with his eyes until the darkness swallows her, not even speaking or changing his expression, and then just keeps walking on the sidewalk, disappearing from the sight of the alley.

The girl runs and runs with no stop into the darkness until a wall steps in her way and hits her, making her fall down and forcing her to sit facing a wall. Everything arround her is dark, a streetlight flashes in and out above her, showing once again her face, now with her eyes red as silent tears stream down her cheeks. The streetlight that was coming and going decides to stop for a while, and surrounded by darkness, she sees a faint light in the distance.
She runs once again towards the light, hoping to not step into anything. She starts to cry as she gets closer and closer, gasping from the fear and exhaustion. She arrives, and as she does so, giant shadows are proyected in the building walls that form the alley. There are many, they giggle and move in strange ways, and the closer she gets, the bigger they get and the clearer the sounds become. She hears many men that seem to give voice to the shadows, so she gets shy and stops running, walking slowly instead, heading to the corner that hides the men.
She takes a peek arround the corner, and there it is the light of the source, a barrel that has been lighted with fire inside, and arround it, a bunch of seemingly homeless people, seven in total, taking advantage of the heat that the fire irradiates. They keep giggling in worn out tones, and hitting beer bottles between themselves as if celebrating something. The girl, even being unnoticed by them, its intimidated by their behavior and thinks twice before crossing the corner, but the cold she feels right now its too much for her, and so she gets arround the corner in a shy walk, looking at the floor, but then freezes there, next to the corner without doing or saying anything. After a little, one of the mans notices her, and advices the rest.
─Hey, kid! Watcha doing here? You lost, aren't ya? ─Said one of the old men, all wearing similar torn clothes that apparently had the same age as them, or even more─.
─Wanna join us kid? Come and heat ya'self, you tremblin' there! ─Said another one of them, while they kept giggling and drinking in turns, looking each other when not looking at the girl.
Meanwhile, the girl stood still looking at them with red eyes from crying, not knowing what to do, saying nothing. Still, a shiver crossed her spine, and after that and feeling the heat irradiating from the barrel in the distance, she finally gave in and started walking shyly towards the barrel.
─That's it kid! Come on guys, let her some space! ─Said one, and following his suggestion, the men that were gathered arround the barrel now left an open space for her to join them. She got closer and closer and as she did, like with the shadows, the men appeared to get taller and taller, forcing her to turn her neck up in order to keep track of their eyes. At last, she gets to the barrel and starts to heat her hands, waving them in front of the fire, closing again the circle arround the barrel.
─Attagirl, tell us, are you lost kid? ─Says one in front of her at the other side of the barrel, looking at her with a big grin on his face. She, focused on getting the cold out of her body, only answers with a shy, slow nod from her head.
─So? Are your parents here girl? Are they arround? Looking for you or somethin'? ─Asks one in a low tone that almosts sounds like a whisper. She then stares at the fire for a bit as if thinking, then cries a tear or two, and looking at the old man who asked, slowly shakes her head. All of them grin in creepy ways as she shakes her head, looking at each other as they do, drinking and giggling as if that was everything they knew to do.
─Then don't you worry "milady"... We'll take care of you... ─Says the one to her right as he gently places his left hand on her back caressing her. She then for the first time smiles still with tears on her face, and even giggles for a second. Then, the hand on her back proceeds to go lower and lower slowly─. We'll make sure you are very... hot, for the night... right, guys...? ─Says in a giggle as he proceeds to get his hand down to her waist, and still going down. But before he can get his hand further down, and just after the girl realices that something is wrong, someone kicks the man into his comrades, getting his hand out of her.
─Hey! W-What's up with that!? Who are you, his father?! W-We were just talking with the girl, we swear! ─Claims one of the lucky ones that are at the opposite side of the barrel and therefore are still standing, yet they are retreating a bit from the barrel alongside the mans on the left of the girl. The ones on her right are on the ground, three in total counting the one that landed his hand on her─. Allright allright, we don't want any trouble pal! We'll just leave, okay? Please, don't do anything stupid! ─Says the same one as they all start running off into the darkness of the alley, followed by the ones that got kicked to the ground. At last, only the girl and his savior remain, she turns arround slowly, seemingly scared as she catches with her eyes what appears to be a face, lit by the thin fire. Is the young man from before, the one she hitted while running into this alley. His face is still has the same neutral expression, not happines, not angriness, not sadness, nothing. He just looks at her again, staring with his serious, inexpresive face, as she stares back, scared.
Now she gets a better look at him, his hair is a black so dark that it gets blurred with the dark of the night, it's short but uneven, making it look longer on some parts. His eyes are clear blue, while his skin tone is not as pale as hers. His clothes like his hair seem to not fit him, having a black, worn out jacket over a white tank top, while below he has regular blue jeans, that dont seem to fit him just right, having many creases. Lastly, he wears white sneakers that dont even have the cords tied, giving him a careless look overall.
After a little bit of stare, he finally moves and she gets scared by the sudden move, and so she covers herself with her arms as if protecting herself. Much to her relief and surprise, after just a moment she hears him walk away at a slow pace, like nothing happened, not even caring about her.
He continues walking away from the light, while she just stands there looking at him go away, not understanding anything. At the end, she just gives up and sits there with her back to the barrel, flexing her legs and crossing her arms across them, sinking her head in her dress between her knees and arms, sobbing a bit.
Just before disappearing in the dark, the young man stops at her cries and turns arround just enough to see her, still with his serious face. He stares at her as she just stays there, doing nothing but sob and cry with her head covered on her dress, all alone. He stares and stares, not even blinking, and after a bit he sighs and starts walking towards her at the same careless pace than before. He stops just in front of her and flexes his kness and back just to get his head the closest possible to her level.
─Go home ─He says in a dry, cold tone, and after standing a bit as if waiting for an answer that never came, he got up again and started walking away again. Just when he was about to reach the darkness of the alley, she whispered.
─I can't... ─And kept sobbing against her dress. That got the attention of the young man that stopped inmediately and turned again.
─Are you lost? ─He asked, with his unchanging tone corresponding his unchanging face. He had to yet again wait a bit for her to answer, while she sobbed and cried a little bit.
─No... That's not it... ─She mutters getting a little bit more relaxed, finally conversating with someone.
─Then? ─He questions.
─I... I can't remember... ─She says in a shy, sad voice, finally getting her head up from her knees and arms to see the world again, slowly. He, however, sighs again and turns arround to leave the place, walking.
─N-No! W-Wait, please! I-I'm afraid... I-I don't want to be alone... P-Please dont leave me alone... I'm scared of the darkness... of everything here... I-I'm so scared... A-And... A-And I really don't remember...! ─She pleads while crying, but he is no longer seen in the alley, as the dark swallowed him whole. Still, his footsteps can be heard getting to a stop.
─What do you mean you don't remember? ─Says the cold, emotionless voice coming from the darkness in front of her. Even though she cant see his eyes, it feels as if the whole darkness was looking back at her. Even though she hears the same voice from the man before, it feels more fitting in the face of the darkness when it speaks.
─I-I mean that... I don't remember... I don't even remember my name or who i am... who my parents are... I don't remember where my home is... or if there is even a home for me... I don't remember anything... ─She whispers, getting her sobs to a stop bit by bit as she speaks. The darkness stays silent for a little while, staring at her.
─I can't help you. ─The darkness answers, and its footspets can be heard once again slowly fading away.
─P-Please! I can't stand being alone, i can't stand the darkness...! Please! I beg you, help me...! I don't know where i should go... What i'm supposed to do?! ─She screams in both anger and sadness, sobbing a little bit again. She feels his eyes again staring through the dark. After a bit of silence, it answered.
─What if the darkness was the one to make you company... would you want that? ─He said, in a tone even colder than before─. Or would you be too afraid? ─He asks, and she stares there for a while, thoughtful, putting her sobs to an end only to answer in a shy tone.
─Well.. I-I don't like the darkness... so... ─She starts, whispering─. If i had to stay in the darkness... I would bring my own light, so we both could make company to each other... ─She finishes, putting a gentle smile on her face as she cleans her tears off from her cheeks. If she was just a kid saying senseless things or if there was more to it, only she knew. Anyhow, that answer apparently got the attention of the dark, as it stood still for a while in silence.
─Very well ─It finally answered─. Then come. ─And as if inviting her, an arm spreading throught the dark with an open hand at the very end appeared in the middle of the alley, lit by the fire that was now fading from the cold wind.

[TheDarkFae]

Hello Christian. First of all, I'd like to tell you how much I appreciate your effort in putting down what you have in your mind. It is really important and I can relate, as I myself have written my fair share of short stories (or chapters as I like to call them - aspiring to compile a book sometime...). So, there are a bunch of things I could help you with here. There are some grammatical and syntax mistakes in your text (I could point them out in detail, if you want that, PM me). But, at this point, I'd like to stay to the general impact.
First of all, the beginning of the story reminded me a lot of a theatrical play-write, as if you are not writing, but directing a scene. Not a bad idea, but you should consider that the first few lines of a book are the most important ones, they are the ones that will capture your readers. The plot on its own is quite captivating, it keeps the interest levels high enough for me to want to know what is going on and what happens next. But, I feel that if you gave it a bit more attention in the language part (more adjectives, descriptions only where needed, focus on atmosphere etc.), this could really work out nicely, it has potential. I could tell you much more and even suggest a few things, so again, if you are interested, PM me.
PS. This is really funny but one of my own stories has a very similar beginning to yours! I could share it with you so you can get a sample and also see what I'm talking about! Let me know in a PM.

[DATo]

Hi ChristianMB,

It is an interesting story. Much of the interest is the result of the puzzling ending. I don't know if "the dark" is a real person or a metaphor for the girl's lost memory. It appears to be a real person at some points and a figment of the girls imagination at others. It could even mean a real person who intends to harm the girl. Perhaps the main thrust of the story is that you are intentionally leaving this mystery to the reader to interpret for themselves. If I am correct, and this is your intention, then I would give the story extra points for creativity; however, if it is a real person - and it CAN be inferred that it is a real person because he leaves and then comes back - then the story is left hanging without a proper ending. The "person" does not seem to be interested in the girl at first which does not seem to indicate a pedophile, in fact he seems to consider her a bother, then he somewhat (apparently) reluctantly decides to take her with him.

The hand appearing at the end could be meant to symbolize a real "rescue", or it could mean that the girl has accepted and become accepting of "the dark".

I would like to hear your own explanation of what your intention was when writing this story.

An interesting read, and thank you for sharing it with us; also, your English is fine. Though there are some grammatical errors I did clearly understand what you were writing ... just not exactly what you were trying to tell in the story.

[ChristianMB]

I didn't expect to get an answer to this post and moved on to another site.

There i already have a second chapter posted and i plan on getting more uploaded as i write them and they are critiqued.

If anyone is interested enough on my story to keep up with it then PM me. Any feedback would be apreciated.

My grammar has yet to improve in some ways, and my writting also was amateur in many ways. The second chapter I believe has some of that fixed, and the third that is writen but not uploaded, solves it even better, I believe atleast.

As for the story, i apparently didn't state it anywhere in this post, but this is just the first chapter of the first book of a whole saga of books, so that is why everything is kinda of a mistery.

So yes, i did it on purpose so it is very misterious so the readers get implied on the story, my plan is to never tell what is on the characters minds, so the readers can decide for themselves how they are, or how they think they are.

As for the man and the darkness, that is all some kind of poetry about the character itself, It's a way to describe the character using also its surroundings, to say something.

If that means he wants to harm her, or if she accepts the darkness or something else, that would be a mistery to discover. (that i already know).

So if you liked the story and want to know how it continues, you can PM me, and you can come back to this post to critique it if you wish.

Any feedback is always appreciated, good or bad. And I'm really glad that everyone seems to agree on the story being interesting, so that is a big achievement for me already.

Hope you all have a nice day, and thanks for your replies!

-- 09 Feb 2016, 11:22 --

How does one delete threads/posts on this forum? Apparently you can but I dont see to find a way to do so

I dont want to post my work in a site if i don't know that i can delete it afterwards if the moment comes, but if someone kindly tells me i can post the next chapters here as i write them.

[ChristianMB]

Hi! I've already posted the first chapter to this novel saga in another post, but since I can't post external links and there is no option to make clickable spoiler buttons so i don't fill the page with text with each chapter, I'll just make each chapter a different thread and will try to link all of them to the first one instead, if some mod agrees to post the links for me.

So if some mod is kindly enough, would be too much to ask to have a link to this thread posted in the other thread of mine at the first post, indicating that it's a link to the second chapter of the same novel, so It keeps some order? Thanks beforehand!

That said, I'll talk about the novel.
It's a fiction fantasy novel set in the real world. I plan to give it a dark tone, as dark as I think feels right, and will try to always keep things, both from plot and the characters, a mistery until they or I decide to show them.

Bear in mind I'm new to writing and that English is not my main language, so expect grammar errors.

That explained, here comes the second chapter of what would be the first book of the saga.

Chapter 2: The dark forest
Man and girl walk on the sidewalk, disappearing from one streetlight to reappear on the next. His longer legs make him walk a little bit ahead as she tries to mimic his rhythm, staring at the back of his head curiously, and worried.
“So… where are we going…?” She asks shyly, looking at the ground in front of her.
“To the forest.” He answers. “You said that the last thing you remember is waking up in the forest” He remarks, staring at the horizon ahead of him.
“Oh, right… ” She whispers as she looks down to the ground he is stepping into. She tries to get a glance of his expression, but only sees the edge of his face.
They walk with the only sound of their footsteps, until he hears her teeth chattering. He turns his head, seeing her holding her arms in cold as her soul escapes from between her teeth.
He turns again to the nothingness ahead of him, sighs and abruptly stops. She stops after a few more steps, looking at him in confusion.
He slowly turns putting one knee in the ground, so his head gets to the same level as hers. She steps back a bit, quickly rising her arm between them, while he stares at her eyes for a moment. His hands quickly go behind his back, and she closes her eyes raising her hand further.
She opens her eyes slowly after a moment of silence, and she only sees black. The black of the jacket that is now hanging from his hand in front of her face. She looks at the jacket and back at him, and after a moment she starts to put it on. He only stares at her eyes, and when she is done, she hugs the heated jacket tight into her cold skin.
“T-Thanks…” She says, with her shivers slowly fading. He stays there like a statue with his bare, tensed arms and neck making his not impressing muscles visible. Her gaze is fixed on his blue eyes, so close from her that she can almost see her own eyes reflected on them .“Are you going to… hurt me…?” She whispers in a shy voice, looking at him with sad eyes as she presses the jacket to her neck. His face doesn’t change as he stares at her expression. Saying nothing, he steps up and keeps walking. She doesn’t. “Aren’t you going to answer…?!” She shouts for everyone to hear, and he sighs, without stopping.
“No.” He answers coldly. His body doesn’t shiver from the cold as he walks, being pushed by the very same wind that the girl was struggling against moments before.
“W-Why?!” She pleads. He sighs yet once again, scratches his hair as he turns to face her, looking with just the side of one eye.
“Because It’s stupid.” He says, and then continues. “What do you want, to hear that I’m not going to hurt you? If I wanted to hurt you I’d lie, and if I said the truth, you wouldn’t trust me.” He remarks coldly in a low tone while getting his hair even more messy and irregular than before from the scratching. Turning to the horizon, he removes the hand from his head and walks. “It’s up to you” He finishes as she is standing still alone in the distance, thoughtful. Before he gets too far, she runs and reaches his side again, heading into the forest.
In the streets, a redheaded girl watches over them, peeking around a corner silently.
*
“This is the place” The girl says as she stands in the plain from before, only lit by the moon when the clouds don’t occlude the sky. “It was around here” She says, gently walking towards a spot where the grass is crushed. “So…? What do we do now…?” She asks as she turns to see him. He stares as usual with eyes that only blink when no one is there to notice it. He looks around to the trees in the distance, his look follows the whole horizon from start to end until it reaches her again. Only grass and trees surround them, and they are the only living things to be seen. He says nothing as he starts approaching her at a slow pace, soundly crushing the grass with each step he takes as his face turns down more with each step he is closer to her.
“Now, we-” “Freeze!” Someone interrupts him, the source of the voice is hard to spot as the sound is carried by the wild wind coming from different directions. He stops in front of her as she turns around looking for the person that spoke. He searches in the opposite direction, but notices the girl staring nervously at something behind him, so he slowly turns.
“Stand still I say! And get away from her!” A feminine voice says, as he reaches to see a gun waving in the air that is pointing at him. The wielder has long red hair that shines in the moonlight like the cannon of the weapon she is holding. The fingerless leather gloves she wears give her a firm grip at the trigger, but she nervously shakes it from her trembler.
“What’s happening?!” The kid asks, as her glance switches constantly from the redhead that appeared and the young man. He slowly walks away from the girl while staring at the gun with the same calmed expression.
“Don’t worry kid, I’m saving you, come over here.” She tells, and the girl listens carefully.
“Saving? F-From what?!” She questions in confusion, with her voice starting to become shaky.
“From him! My god kid, can’t you tell you are in danger?” She says angrily at the girl as she doesn’t move from her spot, looking again at the man in the eyes. He faces the redhead but slightly turns his face to the girl, looking at her still serious.
“W-What? What did he do?” She asks, with her voice shaking more each time, crumbling.
“Luckily nothing yet, but you don’t want to know what would have happened if I didn’t appear.” She says while aiming the sight of the gun at him, closing one eye so she can see through the metal of the cannon. He stays silent, not moving one inch, not blinking.
“B-But you don’t understand, he is helping me!” The girl begs as she runs to stand between the menacing cannon and him, but she does not reach the gun’s objective because of her stature. Achieving nothing, the redhead keeps the sight on him.
“Helping you? How? Is he from your family…? What’s his name? Do you even know him…? Tell me!” The redhead demands authoritatively. He switches his cold stare from one girl to the other as they take turns speaking. The little girl looks at his inexpressive face and rolls her eyes down to his body, seeing his bare arms. She looks down to her own body, checking the jacket that she is wearing, and hugs it tight into her skin as she slowly looks back up to the redhead.
“N-No… He is not my family… I don’t know him, and he didn’t tell me his name… B-But…! He is helping me to find my home!” She whispers, and continues after a brief pause. “Also, I didn’t ask for his name, so-!”
“Enough kid, don’t you see how suspicious is all of this? He is helping you to find your home in the woods? What a joke, you sure got an easy prey with this girl, you pig. But that ends now!” She yells, nervously shaking the gun with her finger dangerously tickling the trigger, making squeaky noises.
“Alright” He says as he calmly looks at the redhead’s eyes. “You take care of her now” And with that he starts to slowly turn to the forest in the opposite direction, giving her his back.
“Not so fast! I said don’t move!” The redhead intervenes, waving the gun in the air a bit as she aims the sight again to him. He stops suddenly, and only his head turns to look at her with one of his eyes. “You stay!” She insists.
“I already said that you can take care of her.” He mutters. “What do you want… ?” He whispers in a voice low and calm, as she gets a shiver all across her spine. “…to kill me?” He adds, as her tremblers become worse. The tip of the gun violently shakes in circles.
“S-Shut up! I didn’t say you could talk!” She shouts with trembling voice.
“Please, stop already!” The little girl begs, turning constantly from one to another as she follows the tense conversation. “He said you can take care of me, so don’t hurt him!” She pleads as they keep staring. Bushes being squashed behind the redhead at the distance get the little girl’s attention, she looks and sees for an instant a shadow getting cover behind a tree where the plain begins.
“Scum like him deserve the worse!” She angrily yells, as the girl peeks around the redhead’s body to try and get a glance of the shadow she saw, but now is nowhere to be seen. He curiously looks in the same direction the little girl does, and when he gets a glance of the forest behind the redhead, another bush is heard being squashed. His eyes open a little bit more and travel to the redhead’s eyes again, making his stare more intense. “But still… I’m taking you to the cops!” She dictates, as her breath materializes in the cold wind in front of her.
“Fine” He says. “But now… put that thing down…” He demands, with his stare waving slowly between her eyes and the forest behind her. The little girl turns to look at him curiously.
“You wish!” She angrily answers, raising the gun further in the air, proclaiming her authority. His eyebrows get closer and go down as he frowns, staring at her.
“Please, just-” “Shut up!” He gets interrupted again by the redhead. The girl turns again to face her, attracted by her loud shouts. “Now slowly walk towards me! Step away, kid!” She orders, as the kid and man stare at each other. He walks slowly towards the redhead and the girl steps out of the way, only the enough amount of space so he can pass. But before he reaches the side of the girl, bushes start to violently shake in the distance behind the redhead, and then quick, hard footsteps stomp the grass at a running pace towards them, getting louder.
“What the hell is that…?” The redhead murmurs as she quickly turns her body and head enough for her to get a glance behind her. The girl turns to face her, searching the source of the footsteps as well, but can’t see because of the redhead’s body covering her sight. He quickly reacts when the redhead turns, and gets his head down leaping forward before turning his whole body to face the little girl.
“No way…” The redhead whispers in shock as her eyes open wide and her arms go down slowly, with her gun now pointing to the ground. The little girl rolls her head up as the man stands in his way. She tries to peek around him and gets a glance of a big shadow rushing towards the redhead. Before she can react, he leans as he gets one knee to the ground, pressing the back of her head with one hand so her cheek is gently pressed into his chest, and getting the other hand on her back firmly grabbing her so she can’t get away.
The redhead’s eyes become sharp again and her arms start to quickly raise as she turns around to face the shadow. “You, you monst-!” She is interrupted by the quick shadow grabbing her by her throat and lifting her several inches from the ground. The sudden and violent move force her arms to shake and wave, making the gun slip from between her fingers and into the ground. She reaches for her throat with her hands as she feels a sharp pain from claws piercing slightly through her skin, making small trails of blood from where the claws and the flesh connect.
The little girl hears the redhead’s struggles and choking sounds. “W-What’s happening…?” She silently whispers, taking a firm grip on his tank top with her little hands. He keeps pressing her into his chest and stares into the ground behind the girl, before slowly closing his eyes.
While choking, the redhead grabs the shadows hand and tries to take it off her. At the same time, she shakes her legs that are hanging in the air, kicking the shadow. Her vision starts to get dizzy when she sees them. Big, glowing brown eyes that float in midst the shadow. And below them, a row of big sharp fangs appear as the darkness opens his mouth, growling.
Tears start to stream down the redheads cheeks as her consciousness slowly fades and closes her eyes, getting the struggle to an end. The dark figure releases her throat and lets her fall to the ground, making the sound of her body hitting the ground audible for the little girl and the man. The wind and an unending growl are the only sounds remaining in the plain.
“W-What is that noise…?” The little girl whispers, with her eyelids trembling, about to cry.
“Shh…” He answers as he presses his hands on her body further, calming her a bit as the growling stands still behind him. He turns his head around so he can see behind his back with the back of his eye, and gets a glance of the source of the growling. A beastly creature completely covered in a fur with a black so dark it doesn’t reflect the moonlight, making it a walking shadow. On top, a wolf’s head with big animal ears and a wolf snout that vibrates from the growling. The glowing of its brown eyes contrasts with its dark fur, attracting all the attention as it stares back at him intensely. Its body is that of a human except for the fur and his legs, that have the appearance of those of an animal, ending in very big paws, that like his hands, wield big sharp claws.
The creature, with its difficult breathing making constant growls, slowly walks towards them with echoing stomps as it stares at the blue dot below him that is the man’s eye. His animal legs make his stature above average and forces the man to push his neck to its limits in order to keep the stare. Its muscular frame occludes all of the moonlight from reaching them, darkening the bright that the moonlight was reflecting from his eyes.
For a brief moment that lasts long, the girl tightens her grip into his clothes, pressing her cheek deeper into his chest as both man and beast stare at each other without blinking.

[pallavi garg]

For an amateur with less experience about English I certainly would like to applaud ur effort...hats off... there might be a little grammatical misconstructiins but it didn't pose any difficulties in understanding the story...great effort. ..would like read the rest of the story. .

[ChristianMB]

For an amateur with less experience about English I certainly would like to applaud ur effort...hats off... there might be a little grammatical misconstructiins but it didn't pose any difficulties in understanding the story...great effort. ..would like read the rest of the story. .

Thanks. I do have many grammar errors, and there my writing was awful in many ways. I fixed some things on an updated version of the chapter 2, but I'll just post the chapter 3 since I believe it's better writen and can show my improvements.

It's kinda harder to read here as the format gets lost a bit, but whatever.

So here it goes, any feedback is nice as always:

Chapter 3: Presentations

10 Years Ago, a little girl sleeps in her bed.

There is only darkness and silence. A loud, sharp noise breaks the silence, and a bright flash fades away the darkness. The little girl awakes, hugging a small teddy bear against her pink pajama. Her glance travels from the ceiling to the open door in her room. She stares at the stairs through the door frame. Darkness and silence. She closes her eyes with a sigh, hugging her teddy bear tighter.
A second noise is heard, and a bright flash follows again. Then, screams.
“Dad…?” whispers the little girl, opening her eyes.
More screams are heard downstairs. The little girl slowly gets out of bed, scratching her eyes while holding the teddy bear. She walks towards the stairs, dragging the teddy bear’s foots across the floor.
“Mom…? Dad…? ” the girl calls, before yawning.
She walks down the stairs one step at a time, the teddy bear facing front on her chest. Slowly reaching the end of the stairs, a low, constant murmur is heard. It comes from the living room at the end of the corridor. A bluish light pierces through the door and taints the walls around her.
She stares at the open door from which the sounds come. Embracing tighter the bear, she lifts it up so her chin touches its head. Her expression starts to shake, standing still. The bluish light changes to an intense red. Her whole body trembles, walking towards the door.
“M-Mom…? Dad…? ” she whispers with a shaky voice.
No answer. Closing distances with the door, the murmuring sound gets clear. It’s the TV. A growling sound breaks the low volume from the TV. She shyly crosses the door and stands still in the corner, with the red light covering her. The whole living room is messy with bottles, cans and more things scattered around.
The light’s from the TV in the center of the room, only half visible because of the sofa in front of it. The image is not red, but it has a red layer of liquid over it. Her eyes are dragged towards her dad. He is lying in the upper edge of the sofa with his back awkwardly bending on it. His torso hangs along with his hands, which are reaching the floor. Below his head and between his hands, a pool of blood is being filled.
The girl’s pupils contract. The red light is covered by a big silhouette. Her eyes adapt to the dark and look to the shadow. It’s her mother. She’s hanging from her neck as blood drips down her legs to the floor. Tears build up in the little girl’s eyes, falling down her cheeks. Her mother is released and heavily lands on the floor head first, splattering blood nearby. Some blood reaches the little girl’s cheek, dirtying her tears with red.
She stands still, strangling the teddy bear as her whole body shakes. Her stare is fixed on her mother’s dead, open eyes. Her breath becomes heavy and loud, opening her mouth wide and drastically inflating her chest with each blow. A big paw stomps next to her mother’s head, with its sharp claws anchoring into the floor. She looks up at the shadow’s silhouette, fixing her gaze on its eyes. Big, brown eyes glowing in the dark, staring at her. The dark figure growls in undertone.
More tears stream down her cheeks as she hyperventilates. She freezes, looking at those big, round eyes. The shadow’s arms are loose on both of its sides. In its right hand, blood drips down to the floor from the tip of its shiny claws.
Its left hand slowly rises and firmly heads towards the little girl’s face, returning her to the darkness and silence from which she came.

Back to present, screams again.

“AAAAAAAH!” the redhead shouts.
She lifts her torso from a bed, covered in cold sweat. Breathing abruptly as her eyes look left and right, her chest swells with air. She crawls backwards to the corner of the bed, bringing along the thin bed sheets that are covering her.
“GO AWAY! GO AWAY!” she yells. She covers as much of her body as she can with the bed sheets, closing her eyes.
“Don’t worry! You’re safe now, calm down!” the little girl appears out of the darkness. With her white dress following her motion, she’s lit by the warm light of a candle standing on a nightstand. She stops in front of the bed.
“W-What happened!? What’s going on?! Where am I!?” the redhead asks with trembling voice. She stares in terror at the little girl, whose face is half shadowed by darkness due to the dim light.
“Relax! You are going to ruin your bandages!”
The redhead coughs. She lifts an arm to her throat, now covered in white bandages.
“Ow! Damnit, it hurts…! Right… THAT THING! WHERE IS THAT THING!?”
“It’s gone, don’t worry! Calm down, please!” the little girl pleads. The redhead takes deep breaths.
“I-I can’t believe that was real… I mean… It was real, right…? You saw it too, right…?” the redhead asks.
The redhead puts one hand on her forehead. Her eyes become red, about to cry. The bed sheets fall from her hand, revealing her sleeveless garnet down jacket, that is covering her long sleeved black top.
“Yeah… I saw something…” the little girl whispers.
She looks down to the bed sheets with an uneasy expression in her face. The redhead watches her, in a moment of silence.
“A-Anyway… I’m just thankful I’m alive… Guess not many people can say that after what happened…” the redhead conceals her own tears. “So… how did you bring me here…? What is this place…?”
“Oh, it wasn’t me! He carried you all the way here.” The little girl says. She turns to the end of the bed and raises a hand, pointing a finger into the darkness. The redhead narrows her eyes looking for someone, but it’s pitch black.
“He…? Who…? I don’t see-”
“You shouldn’t speak,” a male voice interrupts. “Your throat is wounded.”
“You..? Oh, yeah… YOU…! I totally forgot about you…! Where…?” the redhead nervously mutters. She turns her head right and left, looking in the nightstand, in the bed, and every place that dares reflect the light of the candle. “Where is my gun?!” she yells, then coughs.
“I told you to not-”
“Screw you! I’m fine! Just tell me where my gun is!”
The man sighs. An arm covered in a black jacket extends from the dark. Its hand is holding the pistol with the handle on the far end, pointing the cannon at itself. She stares at the gun and looks back to the dark.
“What is this… you are giving it back just like that…?” the redhead asks with sharp eyes.
“Do you want it or not?”
He stays in the dark, keeping the gun in the air with a firm grip. She stares for a moment and raises her hand to reach the gun’s handle. She’s not looking at the gun. She stares at the darkness that is offering it. Getting her fingers around the handle, one of them slides above the trigger and gently squeezes it. A ‘click’ is heard.
“Boom. You are dead,” she says. No bullet comes out. “Trust a stranger and you are sure to end up dead, didn’t anybody teach that to the both of you?”
The redhead brings the gun closer to her. She leaves it on the bed sheet between her legs, which are covered with tight blue jeans. The darkness remains silent, staring back. The little girl shifts her glance from one to another. The redhead sighs.
“So why did you trust me? Did you know the gun was empty? Huh?” the redhead asks calmly. “You had plenty of time to check, I bet.”
“I don’t trust you,” he says. “But I don’t distrust you either.”
“That logic will get you killed,” she watches the gun in silence for a moment. “So? Why did you save me? After all the trouble that I gave you…”
“You can thank her for that,” he answers. The little girl looks at the redhead with a smile. “She insisted.”
The redhead sees her smile and giggles a bit.
“What do we have here…? So you are my real savior…? And to whom I owe the pleasure…?” the redhead jokes, smiling. “Well, well… Where are my manners…? My name is Amber…” she raises her open hand to greet the little kid. She doesn’t correspond, getting her gaze back to the ground, losing her smile.
“I… I can’t remember my name…” the little girl says coldly, caressing her arms.
“What do you mean you don’t remember? Is it hard to spell or something?”
“She lost her memory,” he interferes. “That’s why we were in the forest, It’s the last thing she remembers. She doesn’t know where her family is.”
“My god… Is that true…? You don’t remember anything…?” Amber mutters. She slowly nods. “I’m so sorry for before, I thought that-”
“It doesn’t matter.” He says. Silence fills the dark room.
“And… Who are you again…? You aren’t from her family…” Amber asks.
“That doesn’t matter”
“Oh yeah, it does! How I’m supposed to call you otherwise? Or is it that you are someone dangerous or something?”
He sighs.
“Yes please! I want to know your name too! Please tell us!” the little girl begs with a cute voice. She feels the darkness stare back at her eyes.
“Kyle” He whispers.
“Kyle? That’s it? With you not wanting to say it, I expected a way stranger name,” Amber jokes. The little girl giggles with a smile.
“I like it! Kyle sounds nice!” she says. Amber takes her glare back to the girl.
“But, what about her? We can’t just call her ‘Kid’ or ‘Girl’ or whatever, she should have a proper name,” Amber proposes. She smiles.
“Yes, that would be so nice! It’s… sad to not remember my name, so…” the little girl murmurs, looking down.
“Then we definitely are going to name you!” Amber says happily. “Let me think of some name…” she looks up, thoughtful.
“You said you were Amber, right? Then, that’s it,” Kyle proposes.
“Yeah… Wait, what? You say that we name her Amber? Hell no, that would be confusing!” Amber shouts.
“Yeah, I don’t like that name!” the little girl says, getting a killer stare from Amber.
“Hey! What’s wrong with my name you little brat!?” Amber jokes, softly hitting the girl’s shoulders with an unserious expression on her face. Kyle sighs, thinking. He stares at the ceiling while the girls laugh in the light.
“Catherine.”
Both girls turn to face him, ending their laughter.
“What was that?” the little girl whispers.
“Catherine… Do you like it?” Kyle asks in a warm voice. The little girl turns to face Amber with a smile, giggling on her spot.
“I like it! I like Catherine!” she says.
“Then Catherine it is,” Kyle names her. Amber looks at the darkness.
“What was that, first you want to name her with my own name, and then suddenly you come up with that name?” she asks.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s not a very common name. Do you know someone named like that?”
“It’s just a name,” he sighs.
“Catherine, Catherine!” the little girl sings happily. “I like it!” she says in a cute voice. Amber turns her glance to Catherine and sighs.
“Then Catherine it is,” Amber turns to face Kyle. “And… What exactly happened after that thing came out after me? Did you kill it… or something?” She asks, serious.
“No,” Kyle answers. “It just left.”
“Really? Just like that…?”
“We stood still and it couldn’t see us! It’s dumb, duuumb!” Catherine jokes.
“But then, why didn’t it kill me or… eat me... or whatever, what was all that about then….?” Amber stares at Kyle.
“Who knows,” he answers coldly. Amber sighs, tired.
“Anyways… where are we again?”
“He found a cabin in the woods! This place is amazing, isn’t it?” Catherine smiles.
Amber takes a closer look at the place. The bed is uncomfortable and squeaky, the walls are made out of wood that seems about to break at any moment. Everything else she reaches to see is made out of old, rotten wood too.
“Yeah… Very cool… We better head to my house, it will be safer. That thing may still be out there after all,” Amber suggests. “Plus, I live with a cop. He may have a clue on where your parents are, Catherine,” both girls smile. “If someone placed a ‘lost child’ notification he should know.”
“Yes, please! That is great, thank you very much Amber!” Catherine giggles jumping on her spot, excited. “You heard that, Kyle?! I may find my family soon!”
“Yes, that is nice,” Kyle answers calmed. Catherine rushes towards him in the dark. She grabs his arm by the jacket and tries to pull him into the light.
“Come on, let’s go Kyle! I can’t wait to meet my parents!” Catherine keeps pulling.
“Hey kid, relax, remember that there is still… that thing out there, we have to be careful, alright? And silent…” Amber says calmed, smiling at Catherine.
“Alright, alright! I promise I’ll be quiet! Let’s go Kyle!” Catherine yells.
“I’m not going,” Kyle coldly answers. Both girls stare at him. Catherine loosens her grip on its jacket for a moment, pulling stronger in the next.
“What?! Why?! You said you would help me!” Catherine shouts.
“And I did, I helped you find her. She will help you now.”
The light in Catherine’s eyes slowly fades away.
“Hey man, I don’t know who you are or who she is for you, but this girl here has lost her memory!” Amber frowns at Kyle “She doesn’t remember her family or friends. Do you imagine how painful that must be? Right now for her, you must be like half her family! You can’t just treat her like that!” she screams angrily “Also, have you forgotten about the monster thingy? You are not safe here, you should totally come with us to my house, it will be safe there! Or are you going to allow two defenseless girls to walk out into that dangerous wood on their own?”
“I’ll be fine,” Kyle says calmly. “And so will you. It’s better for you if I don’t go.”
“Why is that? I can tell that you are not the life and soul of the party, but I don’t see the problem.”
“Please… Please just come with us… I like you… You helped me…And I want to help you too… Just, please…” Catherine begs with a shaky voice. On the edge of crying, she stares at him while slowly building up tears. Amber looks at her in silence. Catherine feels Kyle’s gaze in her teary eyes. His face appears in the dim light after a moment of silence.
“Alright,” He sighs. “Just… don’t cry.”