Hilarious Quotes

[suzy1124]

"How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener."

[bookwrm22]

"Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues"

[suzy1124]

" Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"

[rssllue]

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

[suzy1124]

What's the difference between Al Gore and and a slab of Formica?.......nothing

[darkhuntress]

"I'm not staying here alone with a dead guy in the tub and that thing in the toilet" Stephen King's Dream Catcher.

[DATo]

"My father didn't like me either. He carried around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was in high school I almost got a girl pregnant. It's cost me a fortune to keep that rabbit on life support all these years."
- Woody Allen

"I got a sweater for Christmas. I would have preferred a moaner or a screamer but a sweater will have to do."
- Steven Wright

"My last girlfriend was in a beauty contest. Not only did she come in last but she was also punched in the mouth by Miss Congeniality."
- Woody Allen

'Vene, Vidi, VISA - I came, I saw, I went shopping."
- Joan Rivers

"San Francisco is a lot like granola. Take away the fruits and the nuts and all you have left are the flakes."
- Unknown

"In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."
- Graham Green

"Never eat more than you can lift."
- Miss Piggy

"Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?"
- Groucho Marx

"I'm in a phone booth at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'."
- Anonymous

'That restaurant is so crowded nobody goes there anymore."
- Yogi Berra

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions."
- Stephen Leacock

"'Shut up!', he explained."
- Ring Lardner

"Play an accordion - go to jail. That's the law."
- Bumper sticker

"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before taking a sh*t."
- Robert Benchly

"Retirement at 65 is just silly. When I was 65 I still had pimples."
- George Burns

[H0LD0Nthere]

Wish I could remember who this one was attributed to:

An author wrote to a critic who had given him a bad review,
"I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review in front of me.
Soon it will be behind me."

[DATo]

Wish I could remember who this one was attributed to:

An author wrote to a critic who had given him a bad review,
"I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review in front of me.
Soon it will be behind me."

Max Reger

[H0LD0Nthere]

Thanks. Wow, you are a walking encyclopedia.

[Alexavier-Taiga]

"Mr Jackpot turned his huge eyes on me in a kind of mute enquiry. A moment later he put his hand on my thigh.
Well, what was I to do? For the well-bred gentleman there was surely only one recourse. I f***ed him."
And
"Venus was untying her hair so that it fell in heavy, auburn loops about her neck. With a jerk of her hand, the hair flopped to the floor. A wig! She stared at me, grinning wildly, her dark, dark eyes ablaze with triumph, then hoisted up her crimson skirts, exposing bare, muscular legs and what we doctors call a cock and balls."

Both from Mark Gatiss' The Vesuvius Club

[suzy1124]

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.....................Woody Allen...

[DATo]

"I believe that if ever I had to practice cannibalism, I might manage if there were enough tarragon around.”
~ James Beard

[Doinita]

“But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment."
I've seen it. It's rubbish," said Zaphod,"nothing but a gnab gib."
A what?"
Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy.”

- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

[kimcormack]

That was not a toddler that was a rabies infested superhero
-- 16 Jun 2015, 09:52 --

We're so far up beep creek without a paddle, not even a motor could save us now.

-- 16 Jun 2015, 09:53 --

I had to censor that word. I hope you all know what the beep means or that quote doesn't make sense lol