How to Win Friends and Influence People

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lemming
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How to Win Friends and Influence People

Post by lemming »

You will have heard most of this advice on people skills before - but since it was written in the 30's it's hard to say how much of this common sense is only common because this book made it so. And it's amazing how good writing can make common sense profound. Carnegie explains that everyone wants to feel appreciated; everyone thinks they are right and stops listening when we say they are wrong. So the only way to get anyone to do anything is to understand them and think about how they would feel important by doing it. It reminds me of a story Robert McKee tells in his book "Story" to make the point that believable villains believe they are doing good: a mafia assassin he meets in a gym in Manhattan asks Robert, "Are you one of the 'good' people?" as a way of asking him whether he belongs to the mob. And Carnegie points out that Al Capone viewed himself as "an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor". A warden in Sing Sing tells Dale Carnegie that very few of the prisoners regard themselves as bad men. Its full name is "Sing Sing Correctional Facility", but Carnegie's argument is that negative feedback rarely corrects - and everyone receiving punishment only holds tighter to a view of themselves as a misunderstood good guy. "We are all like that," says Carnegie.

So instead of punishment he advocates sincere empathy and encouragement, but cautions that it will only work if it is sincere - "I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life." And nothing will work on some people - it's telling that while several people skills examples in the book come from Abraham Lincoln, in a section on marriage Carnegie describes Lincoln's abusive wife and how the only solution Lincoln found was to try to keep physical distance from her. But as Carnegie says, "It is naive to believe that you will always get a favourable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles - and if you increase your success by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than you were before - and that is your benefit."
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Artemisia
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Post by Artemisia »

This book is forever old isn't it? Don't think I finished reading it at school age.
“If you don't turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else's story.”
― Terry Pratchett
lemming
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Post by lemming »

Artemisia wrote:This book is forever old isn't it? Don't think I finished reading it at school age.
Yes it's from the 30's but its advice still works. :)
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BookFever
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Post by BookFever »

There are points in this book that work every single time. I was skeptical at first but it has proven helpful more often than I had anticipated.
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freedomtosucceed
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Post by freedomtosucceed »

I have read this book multiple times. Great tips, sometimes you just need to go back to the basics and a lot of Carnegie's ideas in this book stand the test of time and remain true.
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Rkanatza
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Post by Rkanatza »

I agree. Even though it's an older book, it's very applicable today.

Has anyone read anything else by Carnegie?
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Post by amybo82 »

I think this book shows what a classic truly is. It's a book that withstands the test of time, and its contents ring true even decades later. I remember reading this book many years ago, and I remember it being very pertinent and meaningful.
A book is a dream that you hold in your hand. –Neil Gaiman
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tamato
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Post by tamato »

This book is a classic and is hard to beat. I just want to add that with its popularity, it's more difficult nowadays to be genuine thus making genuinity a huge value in society.
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Post by DATo »

I know this is a book which has had a huge readership and is therefore very popular. I am further aware that the techniques Carnegie expounds upon in order to "win friends and influence people" do work in many instances. My problem with this book is that many of these techniques require duplicity on the part of those who practice them and a bit of the snake oil salesman in their implementation.

It has been awhile since I read this book but I recall one instance where a salesman, who couldn't ever seem to make a sale with one particular customer, upon one visit began by admitting to the customer that he didn't expect to make a sale but just dropped in for a quick visit. The salesman, then using Carnegie's advice, began to schmooze the potential customer by admiring something in the office which spoke to an interest of the customer. I don't remember what it was. Maybe it was trophy fish mounted on the wall which the customer had caught, or something like that. The attitude of the customer immediately changed and he took great delight in the opportunity to talk about his hobby by engaging in a discussion of whatever his particular interest was. The seller patiently asked questions and allowed the man to pour out his heart ... the result .... the salesman makes his first sale with this guy.

The customer was actually subconsciously thanking the salesman for allowing him to talk about his interest even though he may not have wanted or needed the thing he purchased. Personally I find this type of tactic reprehensible. I see this type of tactic used from time to time, and not only by salesmen. My reaction is to put as great a distance between myself and these dispensers of dishonesty and manipulation as possible.

Now, in fairness to Carnegie I think I also remember him using terms like "genuine interest" on the salesman side of the story, but if the salesman were "genuinely" interested in whatever was being discussed the discussion would have taken place long ago.

Carnegie's philosophy can be summarized by the following: "Brown-nose everyone you meet." .... and yes, you will have many friends ... but are these the type of friends you would really want, knowing that their friendship was purchased in some cases with the equivalent of lies and insincere flattery? And are YOU the type of friend THEY would really want? Maybe - till they see through your smoke screen, and realize that you are a fraud as they surely will in time.
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright
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